Simplicity

An invitiation

2010-02-15T10:11:00.002Z

Come to him

When you are ugly,
Broken and messy.
Without cover up or make up.
Head down, hair down
Undone

With your rage
Hidden under a small stone heart
Or erupting in volcanic flashes

With your failed perfectionism
and messy failures
With your corrosive addictions and compulsions
With loathing and frustration
With your inability to be
Even vaguely who you hope to be.

Don't try to tame your dangerous dislike
Of who you think you are
Or make yourself who you think you should be.

Bring your need to be known
Your longing for approval
Your disbelief with love
Bring your selfish hope
And small dreams.
Bring your guilt laden religion
and lack of faith.

He's not asking you to be perfect
He's inviting you to come.

Be loved.

you'll never know until you try....

2009-06-09T16:30:00.002+01:00

why are you so elusive?
why do you want to pin me down?
why are you so messy?
why are there so many boxes?

is there an answer
or is it all shades of grey?
is this chaos
or merely beautiful fractals?

have you got me
shall we run
the road seems hidden
or is it just undiscovered?

fear is overpowering
and cramping my style
but freedom seems terrifying
yet so dangerously attractive

can i step out?
what's holding us back?
things in my head.
exactly.

2009-06-03T10:58:00.002+01:00

I can't believe this is my first '09 blog. Gosh - where is the year going??

Following the theme of my previous post, I've been thinking about Big Vision vs daily living....

Although it's relatively easy for me to have an idea, a big vision to chase and dream about, I'm realising the character building challenge is to consistently do the small things.

It's exciting to have a big idea to talk about, a dream to sketch out and embellish. But it draws me away from here, from now and from the people around me. It is here, now, that Jesus has put me and here that he wants to meet me.
To do the dirty dishes day after day, to remember people's birthdays and find Jesus in the commute is no small task (esp on the tube or london traffic). Its the challenge for it not to be about my vision, but about His Family, His Kingdom.

So I thought I would make a list of things/values/practices that I would aim to do consistently whenever, wherever I happen to be. Two that leap to mind are hospitality and creativity - not too hard I thought, surely I can do that. Perhaps my list should be longer??

But then I went into the kitchen, to dirty dishes and two people round for dinner. and I was grumpy, fed up with community living and all out of patience.

Suddenly it's not so easy.

and I haven't had a creative thought, brush stroke or guitar cord in ages......

So maybe I'll just start with those two and patiently allow patience grow in the shadow of His love and grace.
and the Big Vision.? Well, I haven't given it up, but I'll entrust it to His Big Hands. It seems my little hands are full for now.

I have a vision, alteration

2008-12-12T15:10:00.003Z

I had a vision

It was a big one, it covered continents and would last a lifetime. At its center was a longing to do what was right; to help the poor and marginalized and to be a radical peace maker, to be about Kingdom business and not church busy-ness, to bypass the normal and walk along the roads less travelled, to reject mediocrity and embrace the radical Jesus I met nine years ago.

However I was recently shocked to discover that for me it was all based on a rocky foundation. One of striving, of proving my love to God, of earning his acceptance, of letting him know how much i would do for him. But also of assuming to know what that meant, what it might look like, to serve him and love him. Obviously it meant doing BIG things for him

On return from Ch. that was all undone. The idols of what I could do for God had to go.

He wanted to be my vision. He wants to fill my line of sight, so that all I see is Him.

I may, or may not, go and do all of the above. I hope to live them for sure. But it may well be in the small and unseen ways of just living life as an ordinary radical, resting in His love.

If he calls me away, it will be as friends, not as the master shouting at the striving servant. If he doesn't call, then I will have lost nothing, but gained him.
So as i staple the 100th booklet of carols together and wonder what it is all about I remember not what I can do for God, but what he has done for me. For now, that's enough.

2008-12-05T15:12:00.002Z

Something I heard recently...

"Deconstructionism.

Its destruction(ism) with a con at its centre."

Discuss.
Wha'dya think.....

2008-11-24T11:37:00.002Z

I would rather be a nobody, living nowhere special, doing a nothing job and know His love, than go to some far flung place to do some big ass thing and know nothing.

trains

2008-08-29T17:11:00.002+01:00

I feel like I am sat on a train which is passing by a fence or forest or something. It causes the light to flash if its a sunny day - from overwhelmingly bright to deep gloomy grey, all of a sudden. In and out, light and dark.

Thats how I'm feeling. Either feeling fine and cheery, as per the past few months, or really not. Its disorientating, exhausting and I don't know where I am half the time. Its has also led to what some might see as a productive cleaning streak. Its true, I have cleaned a lot, my hands now stink of bleach and the house is cleaner than it has been in decades (who knew that dust could sit on walls?). But it has been more of a manic, must keep busy, type action than a determined effort to be domestic.

And so the trouble comes when I sit still, when thoughts collide in my head and sprinkle shrapnel over my heart.
I'm hoping its just a being bored, end of august thing.

I'm hoping the train stops soon, its hurting my head.

2008-05-14T19:53:00.003+01:00

feeling pulled between two different worlds and lives and ways of doing things currently. It seems to be how things will go for me here - and thats cool i guess, but just a bit uncomfortable....

and it leads me to an ever constant reminder to walk my own walk, with integrity and a judgment free heart; neither totally dismissing one and fully embracing the other, or vice verca, but seeing the good and the God in both, how ever contradictory!

2008-04-25T18:53:00.002+01:00

i had a long chat with a friend recently. We got chatting about possible jobs for me down here in london.....

It was a good chat. She spoke, I listened, cried and tried to work out this muddlesome world. A week later its still going round my head, but not about the choice to be made (job or not), but about what we were really talking about.

Its been bugging me and I only realised today - we were talking about living from the heart. about being real and having integrity, even when asked to be in odd places and be an unfamiliar shape.

I have to be honest - part of me doesn't want to live from the heart. It seems to be the bit that gets rejected, ignored and broken the most. Its easier without it. Then it can be about what I know. I never have to make any real choices because I never know it all. I can sit on the fence til I have heard all sides of the story.....

But am I actually living?
These last few months I have been really happy, read lots of good books and had lots of great conversations. But nothing really moved me. I may be alive, but I may be lacking integrity.

I am not sure how to do that here. I don't know that I have the courage, to face those fears, to be that person.

But thank you for the reminder. I appreciate it.

2008-02-28T21:56:00.001Z

"In solitude we can come to the realisation that we are not driven together but brought together. In solitude we come to know our fellow human beings not as partners who can satisfy our deepest needs, but as brothers and sisters with whom we are called to give visibility to God's all-embracing love.
In solitude we discover that community is not a common ideology, but a response to a common call.
In solitude we indeed realise that community is not made but given."

Henri Nouwen, Clowning in Rome

2008-02-25T18:15:00.002Z

you spend enough time in a place and it'll either eat you up or spit you out.

and the scary thing is you don't realise until its almost too late. Its not like being eaten by a shark, with teeth and thrashing etc... no, much more deadly like sleep walking off a pier or something (don't laugh, for some its a possibility....ask the editor for details).

I got woken up this weekend and was shocked to realise how far down a throat I was.

It starts slowly with small bends and compromises in thoughts and expectations, nothing major, but it'll make life easier.

Then you're dreaming different dreams, big house, big dog, steady pay packet.

Dreams start influencing choices and you let go off the excess, the in the way bit (like chopping off grissle if we want to continue the eating picture). and thoughts you swore would not dominate your head, begin to seep in like mold (so if i want to live here, with house prices as they are I need a wage so large to pay the mortage, so better go find me a HUGE wage....).

the bit of you thats awake and not sleep walking, gets quieter but sits stubbornly in the corner and cries. Thank goodness for that!!

Because after a while, as your toes hit the tonsils, you wake up and realise this is not what you were made for - to try and fit in other peoples boxes, their dreams, or the ones you thought would make you happy. all that will happen is that you get eaten and have a bit of you quietly crying.

So, I guess I'll pick up my grissle, be an awkward shape and get spat out of here.....

2008-02-02T17:38:00.000Z

There's dirt on the window
Rubbish on the street
Narrow roads limit the sky
And silence has not been heard
Since we started here.

Yet as I climb
With creaks
And close myself in
I begin to soar.
My hair scrapes the ceiling
But I could run for miles.

There's only one star
In the orange tinted dusk
But it's enough
A reminder.

As I close my eyes,
Expanse opens ahead.
The traffic roar
Is turned to a dull drone
As stillness rushes on me
Like a crowd.

I rest
Yet intrigued
I long to tred deeper
Where do you end?
Where do you lead?

This foolish mind restricts
Your limitlessness.
I stumble
Like a blind senseless brute,
Desperate to be free
Of those restraining lines.

Unused to space
To freedom
My steps unsteady
But courage grows
As those voices quieten,

And soon I'm running.
No idea where
Forwards, sideways
Onwards,
And joy rises
As the unseen
Becomes the explored.

Note to self

2007-11-29T19:28:00.000Z

coming out of the cold induced fuzz that was my brain i discover some things...

firstly; my room is a total mess. A week of living in PJ's has not been good for the laundry and tidying prospects. never mind. life is bigger.

secondly; when did i last feel alive. what last moved me?? when did i last need to sing my heart out in order to express something of what was going on inside. when did i last have a conversation that had me thinking for days after. when did i really really laugh. when did i really cry. when did i pray beyond words. when did i view god afresh and it take my breathe away. when was i last really grateful to be alive and thankful for this life i lead?

or have i just been moaning. have i just been dashing through, one pay check to the next. have i been silencing thoughts in order to have space to eat and sleep and work. have i been surrounded by crowds, noise, i-pod drone, tv static, soul static, traffic jams and washing machines, deadlines, obligations, life draining compulsions, fast food friendships and coffee froth faith.

when did i last dream and see it as a possibility rather than an escape from reality. When did i last see mighty walls of injustice and shout them down. When did i last see the walls?
When did i last do an random act of kindness. when did i last pray for someone and mean it more for them than for me. When did i last smile at a stranger, or go out of my way to help someone without that begrudging, this is such a nuisance vibe, coming out of my every pore. When did i last sit on a park bench without looking at my watch. when did i sit in a coffee shop and waste a few hours in books, in conversation, in being.

when did i last notice i was breathing?

Only now I notice I haven't been fully alive.

that same old theme

2007-11-17T11:41:00.000Z

can you believe I am still trying to learn this lesson...... its not about what I do!

been really wrestling with my job recently (until I have 2 days of filing and I realise kids screaming in your face is better by far haha!!)

anyway...... its slowly dawning on me that as ever it is not about what I do, but rather continuing to discover who I am. I first thought this was horribly selfish, but I realise that in London its quite a shocker.

I don't work to earn lots of money or to climb that far off ladder to some unknown destination. But instead, this job gives me a chance to read lots of books, find out what I think of things, learn what I enjoy, dream and love people around me with a bit more energy than I might otherwise have.

I am released from that pressure to perform, to win, to get the next biggest, best whatever. Not to say that I don't do my job well, or look to learn and improve, or that seeking those things are bad in themselves.......

So many people spend years dashing about earning lots of dosh but never quite having the time to enjoy it or enjoy life. I am not saying life should be one big knees up. Not at all. But as Howies say..... there are only 5 people in your life you get to know really well. Shouldn't one of them be you??

I always thought I should know myself by now - but clearly the learning has only just begun.
But I don't think its cool to be self indulgent or selfish - however what if by knowing yourself and walking in the freedom from pressure that that brings, you free others. What if by loving life and walking with light steps you help people realise there are other ways to walk instead of dashing, or plodding with ever increasing heaviness.

I don't want to become a late 20 something who is cynical and narked that life is not full of the promise that I saw ten years before.

But amongst all the rushing and worry I feel around this town, I want to walk with eyes seeing even more promise and adventure ahead of me, not less. Not just work, mortgage payments and a pension......these are all good but not it. Not life, not me.

Finally I see He is letting me be me, but I had not heard him for all the other voices. But now what I hear most clearly amongst the rabble is "further up and further in".

maybe the adventure has only just begun.......

2007-11-12T22:08:00.000Z

Life seems really full of lots of different things right now - it seems hard to know where to start. the art course continues to be a real release and an eye opener. It seems that my problem is not ideas so much as the application of said ideas onto paper. But that is just skill and I guess will come with time.

Am reading and thinking a lot about fundamentalism, in all its forms at the mo, and what I would do if i was faced with it. A challenge to love and radical peacemaking...... but am I that chilled out in the heat of the moment? A stressful day at school shows me up as not being there yet, when I would rather shout at a girl for what she is doing, than deal with it 'kingdom style'.

On a different note however I am journeying with some of the CG guys here, through the beatitudes and that whole chunk of Matthew. Its amazing what God is doing in all of us as we take ourselves back to the root of this gospel and look at its building blocks. I find myself looking at the bible differently, at God with new eyes and seeing the goggles I put on. Its refreshing and painfully challenging. But I am relishing moving forward with a random bunch of people on a common path.

In all of this though I find London has been forcing me to rush through life and book my diary two weeks ahead. That is not who I want to be, and an exhausting week shows me why. So the plan for November is to get back to basics, back to what this blog is all about - simplicity.

In Life, in God and in Love.

2007-10-24T12:47:00.000+01:00

happy half term!!!! hurrah!!!

Some people might say that the teaching establishment is plain old lazy for having so much holiday. A few years ago I might have even agreed with them. But then I entered it, had a term of work and slept for 3 days!!! So to those of you questioning our holidays..... its blooming exhausting!

Ok preach over. Yes I am enjoying my holiday thanks.

But i figure I should catch up with my life.....

Loving school, but teaching jobs remain elusive, so i am going to focus on working with physically disadvantged kids instead...... it is super rewarding anyway. so no worries there.

Loving my new house and the community of city gates..... lots of thinking and talking and doing re community and all that. Learning so much from these guys and how they work and love and live.... its a great challenge. But i love it.

Going to Art classes.... creative painting for beginners. Loving it. The first time I went I felt so totally free and weirdly courageous. loved being able to experiment and try new things and colours etc. Last week though was more of a challenge. I feel like I paint like I am in primary school. Its not at all representing what I feel. Also we are painting lots of still life etc - think I am more abstract than that - still it is good to learn the techniques etc. who knows where it might lead me!!!

Having read a book and an article sent to me (thanks) re women in the middle east who are risking life and limb to stand up for the rights of women in Afganistan and Iran, I have been really challenged and inspired. The life of Nobel peace prize winner Shrin Ebadi (her book is Iran Awakening) is amazing...... but what struck me most was not the cases she took to court, the people she represents or the injustice she brings to light (although all these are in themselves amazing), it is the tiny choices she makes every day to stand in integrity to what she believes. She is civil, holy and compassionate, even when dealing with the most monstrous of evils. She has failed and sees change at only snail pace. But through her life and those she represents she has sown seeds of the idea of rights and justice into the people of her country, which will no doubt reap a crop long after she has left us.

Both her and a woman MP from Afganistan realise that their life is as nothing in comparison to what they are fighting for. It has become and is bigger than themselves, but is impacted so strongly by how they live, the choices they make, the words they speak and the actions they live out.

My question - am I willing to do the same??

2007-09-17T21:36:00.000+01:00

community is yet again challenging and humbling me. I really love it, however scary it might feel.

The guys here are great, for so many different reasons. But the main being they just love.

I turn up here and they just open their arms and love me.
But what strikes me is that it is not hinged on approval. I think I have been looking for approval in some shape, way or form. So i get here and get scared because they don't need to approve me to love me. they just do. and freely.

its almost shocking.

well for me anyway.

Cause i realise that this is how God loves. With no check list, no conditions, no certificate or anything...... he just does.
Its not like applying for a bank loan..."excuse me Lord, I would quite like you to pay off my debts please". At which point he checks your previous behavior and likely ability to reoffend. Oh sorry, it looks like you screwed up too much in the past and your current career is not suitable for the life of a Holy Joe. Approval denied.

Nope. Not him......

huh.

other than that life is quite good. bed is big and muscles are aching from first round of basketball in years....

2007-09-03T17:48:00.000+01:00

apologies for my last blog...... don't get me wrong. I am excited about my new room, it is a real gift and i know it.

but i am fairly sure i was not created to get excited about a new bedroom! I, we, all of us, were made for more important things.... it is frustrating that life in london forces you to down size in so many ways.

Today in a training day at school I was struck by the futility of it all.... my whole dept was sat round the table trying to work out how to help the life of this one young girl..... to put things in perspective..... over half my school is poor enough to be able to receive free lunches (and even breakfasts) and most of that half live in the worst 30% of housing in Britain. So life is not great for them even before they reach the school gates.

I don't want to bring a wrong comparison or belittle the poverty of those I am about to mention, but merely to say that hearing about some of the situations today reminded me a bit of the IDP camps in northern uganda. Now in so many ways they are not even on the same scale....... but in terms of childrens lives being screwed over and me just sitting there and trying, in vain, to lift the sheer weight of oppression off them. thats where they are the same....

But it is so frustrating because there is so little i can do.

We spent a brief while flicking through the exam results today (not that relevant in our dept), only to find some the girls had exceeded our expectations.... they managed a couple of low level grades between them. A 'great success'.

for who i ask? for us, because we "added value"? For them, because now they fit the mold a little bit, even if badly. (they make everyone else feel better, so lets force them in the mold).

Would it not be better, rather than force them on a track which will only belittle them, make them feel worthless, not pay them enough to live on and leave them struggling..... would it not be better to help them carve out a new shape, a new path..... one that leaves them growing in a the sun rather than left to rot in the shadows. One that encourages dignity and esteem based on who one is rather than what one does.

Not that it will be free of struggles - but ones that they know they can overcome, rather than struggles that they know will only end in an 'F' (which we then falsely tell them is great!!).

..... i know, i know. a first frustrated day back.
and a rant. just had to get it out. was and still is, giving me a head ache.

answers on a postcard.

little green street, a new home

2007-09-01T18:58:00.000+01:00

sometimes there are just no words.......

when you have your own double room with your duvet out and aired and your stuff littering the room. when you lie on your pillows and are able to stretch easily in every direction. When you have a window and a desk, a garden and roses, and even space for a window box of your own.

back in london, another room (my 5th i think) but the same odd assortment of things. Unpacking them however i realise life has been good in London. For a start my wardrobe has increased (not that hard really) and i have not found this city to be the isolating, lonely place people tell me. It may be lacking some of my more favorite nutters...... but it makes up for it in so many other ways. the NLC, a funny bunch, but so lovable and so loving.

So i know not what is coming up - but some readers will be excited to know the next 4 months will include...... some art school classes and no doubt a few parties. so please pop on down for the 15th, its the house warming of the lovely little green street!!! Hurrah!!!
(not the whole street i hasten to add, just no 6).

2007-08-24T11:54:00.000+01:00

so it appears the long holidays are drawing to a close.....

I can't say I have done anything too exciting with them. No great adventure to the great unknown or unscaled mountain peaks climbed or anything.
But I have sat here with my crumblies (as my folks are affectionately known), done some gardening, made copious amounts of jam and otherwise got a little bored. Not in a bad way I don't think. In a way that is very hard to do in the middle of London. There are always things to do so having nothing to do is perhaps a good way to rest.

So next week is London, a new house, old job and perhaps a new hobby or two......beyond that I can't really tell. My heart is beginning to yearn for adventure again..... but perhaps this year it is adventure of a different sort. Discovering the unknown inside as opposed to out there, somewhere. The time for that will come too.......

A book making me v excited at the mo... the life of Gertude Bell (great name)... a Victoiran woman who defied tradition and went off into the desert looking for and finding an adventure her gender could only dream off..... (she then went on to help establish modern Iraq and was the source of many of todays problems.... but no ones perfect hey!!)

still, the idea of riding solo into the desert..... oh it still entrances me, just as it did her 100 years ago.

Holey buckets

2007-08-10T23:17:00.000+01:00

Its funny how small things build up to something more enormous, like a cm a day of earth movements at plate boundaries can lead to giant earthquakes (or more minor ones in manchester! which is still amazing considering....anyway, back to the point)

So quantum leap by quantum leap.... its not like its anything major; short shorts that i said i would never wear, hair a different way, more writing and creative ideas springing off the walls. But its what these things represent that is important....

I realise as i step back from destructive things around me and draw a line, good must be the result.

Its like Liberty is being etched into my heart.... not marked in a bloody or sore way but a creative one, like the word is showing off or something.
Like a break in the surface of the earth can only create new land
or a new course for a river
or, like a red bucket being punctured with a nail, to give it holes all over. Now a useless bucket. We had lots of buckets already. But one where water flows out and catches the light - its beautiful

Useless and totally beautiful.
Thats liberty in me.
and its only just begun to put holes in my bucket.

2007-07-19T13:40:00.001+01:00

i was speaking to two people who work in the middle of the middle of nowhere. you find a map and they are the furthest from the sea, blighty and cream teas anywhere... (this is not a fact, but they really do live v far away.).

Anyway, i asked them if they enjoyed it, living over there..... as I am thinking of doing something similar sometime and they said "why would we want to do anything else."

now that is my sort of answer... its not about socks and sandals, or any other poor preconceptions i might have - but about living life fully, even if you're hearts desire is to be somewhere completely inaccessible surrounded by people who speak a language few others do.

because anywhere else would just be compromise.

2007-07-09T15:47:00.001+01:00

so this is my new back garden. Lush isn't it.

I sat there this avo after a day in school and watched a wee spider start to make a web, a butterfly fluttering everywhere and a small toad, which had leapt into a candle glass full of water.... it was so chilled. I love it.

it then started to rain, so i trotted inside. But it is nice to know its out there just waiting for me.

School is beginning to rub, I realised over the last week or so. It could be I am tired and need a holiday, the same with the girls. Or it could be that I am finding things about the way school happens which don't quite sit with me. I know people need to be taught, and they need to have someone to teach them. But do the need someone to tell them stuff, or should they discover it for themselves..... I find myself increasingly frustrated by girls not wishing to learn, only just willing to be told. It sucks. What happened to creative learning and initiative.....

No answers...... just an observation.

For now however I have a pot full of dreams brewing, with all their associated problems, and my lovely garden. I guess I just have to keep on hoping and stop being so old or som'it.

2007-07-04T17:27:00.000+01:00

after a long rest I feel like I have started running again. and its ace - the wind through my hair and sun on my face (metaphorically speaking, physically it is just raining!)....

As i look to the future and where I would love to go, I find myself finding things out about me - and when I do, even if i don't see them yet, I am grabbing them tight with both hands. God is letting me know who he wants me to be and I am not turning him down in this!!!

Had a bit of a journey in respect to men recently - and unlike normal it did not end with a big soggy mess. I put my heart out there just a little, only to find it a little late in arriving (someone else got there first)..... my initial reaction was - Right, thats it, I am a NUN!!!!I shall go and hide away and never, ever have to be scared again.

But then i realise what a load of tosh that was - you can't truely live, inside a cacoon of your own fashioning where nothing ever impacts you. God made me to feel things, to know joy and sorrow, fear and courage.... so why hide from them. they add colour where otherwise there would be only shades of grey.

as it says in the book the prophet (paraphrased) - joy and sorrow are totally balanced - you are able to receive one only in as much as you have experienced the other.... or something like that.

So bring it on........

2007-05-21T17:11:00.001+01:00

ok so i did something to my blog which means that it is meant to be easier to use. and i guess it is cause now i haven't got to look through lots of code stuff to add something on.

but it seems all my friends feel of the edge of the page and i have these horrid black arrows next to me..... look. they are big and not v nice. urgggghhhhhh.

but otherwise life is pretty much great thanks.
yes it is raining a lot, the sun has not shone yet today.

but am not that fussed.
life is still good.

reason for a slightly repetititve blog (see below) is that I am slightly shocked it still is. not that I am expecting a tree to fall on my toe or anything, but am unaccustomed to it thats all.

2007-05-17T21:11:00.000+01:00

so after an evening of shopping (well attempting to anyway), dancing around the kitchen cooking and listening to music (generally bad but essential girly), i thought i would sit and blog.

hello.

Lots going on in my head currently but not in a bad way.

After a weekend with some new friends in oxford, I am currently pondering what this whole missionary thing is, and why i am initially so opposed to it. Why is it that something rises in me to say, don't do it........ I figure there is that bit in me that wants fame and christian celeb-ness. However much I don't agree with it, me flesh still loves it! Missionaries can be so far from that, living in a yurt in the middle of nowhere with a small, unknown tribe.....

Or maybe its the ex-colonialist thing, where the gospel and the empire are so tied, with the gospel ultimately loosing out.

Maybe its the feeling of restriction, of being expected to fit a certain mould or walk a missionary middle ground or something.I dunno. I am just typing out now.
But the people I met so challenged so much of that in me - they are going to live in war zones or mud huts simply to tell people about Jesus and to have his name lifted up.

that isn't the middle ground to me.
But i guess the question i find myself asking is, after all my dreaming and wondering, is it a path I am willing to wait for and then to walk.

-----------------

Yet in the midst of all that, He keeps showing me things he wants to do. And they are great and I want to be there to help them happen..... No question i guess.

I feel more like me with every day. I am writing and seeing unnoticed things more. I am knowing Joy, unexpectedly. Like a friend coming up and giving you a hug from behind.
I love my job, with all its chair throwing, hormone filled, teenage angst driven drama. Love it.

not much else to report.

2007-05-06T18:35:00.000+01:00

well I have in fact been proved wrong re facebook.....

After loosing contact with a great friend at uni, knowing she was off travelling and working abroad, but otherwise wondering about her existance.....

i discover her on facebook and we have a merry, poke induced, reunion!!!

oh happy days.
so it has all been worth it. and when i say all i mean filling in like 5 boxes to sign up for facebook.
please pass me the humble pie.

thanks for being so patient with me

xx

2007-04-30T17:33:00.000+01:00

so i have totally folded to peer pressure and got into the world of facebook.....

i can feel it happening now, my world being sucked right out
into the large and bottomless void that is a life lost on facebook.

otherwise i am looking forward and hopeful to the whole thing.....

otherwise i have no life

its all gone the way of facebook.

jokes, jokes.

haha

Announcement

2007-04-14T23:40:00.000+01:00

......i am writing to confirm or deny some horrid romours that are going round causing many of my friends much mirth and generally a good laugh at me (which obviously, having not happened before, needs to be stopped before it becomes a habit on their part!!).

These rumours involve me training and then practising as a teacher of geography.

I hereby confirm these rumours.

Pants - they were right all along! Yes I know, you told me so.... I am just slower on the uptake.

It just so happens, to my great surprise, that I love teaching kids. And teaching geography (the geek in me is screaming for some output!!!).

And so i shall....

I think i will also try for this sept, although this is very late in the day to be applying. But He has shocked me this far, so he can keep on shocking me all the way to the gate!!!

you can stop laughing now....

isn't he rude, pulling a fast one on me like that! Humph (sort of - i love it really, the unexpected and unpredictable. who knows what could happen??!!)

Holiday Joy

2007-04-05T12:31:00.000+01:00

in days of holiday, after a mad last few weeks of term where your feet ache from running around all day and you can't take any more internal politics and moaning, you realise the pure bliss of being able to sit quietly and complete a full train of thought. There is the added joy of spring time sun, amazon ordered 2nd hand books and hot cross buns at any time of the day!

Am loving having a chance to read books, esp about my current topic and focus for the future, central Asia.... the geopolitics over the last 200 years are amazing - a complete mush!!(which yes, we did have a hand in unfortunately).

Another fun, slightly surprising thought from this week is - I had not realised that I had this fear that one day the Lord was going to decide that I was in fact a total plonker and obliterate me completely. This meant that I had vague fearful ideas whenever i entered into his presence, but never entirely sure from whence they came.

This week however, being able to have some quality time with the Lord, he kindly informed me that has never been his plan to blast me from the face of the planet with a wave of his mighty hand, but he is infact quite fond of me, and enjoys my company.

And it is quite fun to realise all this - brings a great rush of freedom with it...

Who would have thought, after 7 years with the Lord, finally discovering I am forgiven.

A few of the people i miss....

2007-03-22T20:37:00.000Z

......in that i don't have photos on my computer of the others.

oh..... hope you guys don't mind tehe

serves you right for filling my computer with your piccies

love u, love mexx

2007-03-10T11:12:00.000Z

realising in the business of London that its not about asking God to come and be in the midst of everything,

but being still and quiet enough inside to see Him there

its not like he ever left in the first place

we are sometimes just not looking

So now I am trying to learn, amongst the screaming, noisey ladies who I spend my time with, to quiet that bit inside of me, and hear what the Father is saying, to see what He is doing

and how I might be able to help in that.
Or just watch it unfold.

Tricky but great.

2007-03-03T15:41:00.000Z

oh my - its been agaes. sorry dear readers.... poor form on my part.

well its saturday, sunny outside and i am sat here doing my emails and blog..... all because i have a stinker of a cold!! I got it 2 weeks ago when i took a girl from school to hospital, and caught what she had on the way. But after a week of being ill it went, so i did my normal anna thing - oh a week of half term, lets run around and see lots of people, rather than rest and chill out!!!

and so the cold returned to bite me bum! pants!! literally...

so not much to report. but i now have a permenant job, being a teaching assitant!! Sweet, 8 weeks paid leave!!!!
I do really love it but sometimes is so hard. Take friday for example. It started with me feeling ill anyway, but by second lesson stuff was not going well for one particular girl. Lets call her, Her.

I have a real soft spot for Her. She has a messed up home life, and some fairly complex emotional probs.... but i have soft spot for Her none the less. But then she punches a girl in class and continues with bad behaviour til she is taken away by a duty teacher.... she has only just got back from a break from school, and the time away has not helped her education or intergration with the other girls.

it just really sucks. and what i have to keep rememebering is that its not my job to try and help her with her problems. Just with her Maths. I couldn't even though I want to - she needs people with skills and training that i don't have.
maybe i'm not communicating this very well - it was frustrating not being able help more, not being able to communicate the potential that i see in her, beneath all the other stuff. when other people, so many times, have just wanted her out, somewhere else... its sucky.

also i have a fuzzy, cold head, so words aren't quite making sense.

on a different note - anyone seen any of the planet earth series - amazing!! How they do some of the shots i just don't know. But also - its just amazing to see the amazing earth God made, totally extravagant and seemingly ridiculous (pigmy sea-horses!! Who knew!!).

Perhaps they should do something like that for the wildlife of London. Was in the tube with a pidgeon a few days ago - it was in the train!!! Quite happy to knick a lift, it had lost its claws after all.

anyway I am going to watch some more now, while drinking smoothie and eating chocolate raisins..... i am ill after all.

2007-02-04T19:26:00.000Z

have you ever tried to describe water to a man living in a desert?

or light to a person born blind?

Whatever words you use, you can't fully describe what it is like; that first drop as it splashes on the lips; the first ray to illunimate the world.

thats what it felt like when people tried to describe Joy to me, and i think the same applies to the journey I am taking with knowing God's unconditional Love for me. Not there yet, but the clouds are brewing.

But its not just people struggling to communicate but God too. He does his best, with creation, Jesus' life and death and all that is entailed in that beautiful love story, with friends and family...

But our minds are so darkened, we really do see through a mirror darkly. He is trying to communicate his very essence, in all its freedom, beauty and simplicity, and yet we just don't get it. even when we do, and want to share it, it gets lost in translation between hearts and minds.

How his heart must break as we fumble around in the dark, clueless to it all.

I am staggered at his patience. And amazed at my inability to communicate the little specks of light that i have seen, to those i love most.

efforts seem to be like the dust, floating in the rays of light sneaking through the cracks.

and then I realise i don't really know how to love.

Not like Him.

Keep showing us Jesus, we need your help.

2007-01-22T17:29:00.000Z

hello 2007!!!

sorry its been a while but what with the 'tinternet down and lots of running round, i only just got the chance.

generally v much looking forward to this coming year - one of fun, rest, vision and enjoying having a wage....

and so far i have seen much of the above. I went shopping - for clothes, real clothes that i chose and like with no holes and in a style that i like. lush!!!!

i have also been to the ballet - the male version of swan lake at sadlers wells in london. totally amazing. never seen a ballet before, but it was beautiful - the combo between the music and the visual dancing/movement thing - great!!!

so I look to 2007 with hopes and an increasing sense of joy. It feels blank, but not in a bad way, in a surprise me, sort of fashion.

I think my reflection of 2006 could be "failure is an under-rated success".

So many times in the last year i have felt like i failed, falling flat on my face.

But failed in what - generally nothing other than my own high expectations, or one i falsely think other people have. Even if they did - should i be that worried abouot them??

For me, my "failure" helped me see where my aim was not Jesus, or my expectations wrong. It also helped me realise, its not fatal.... if anything i know more now then i did then.

And in London we do a good job of defining people by their successes or failures - i don't want to see things that way. But if i have to be seen that way then maybe it should be as someone who did fail and fall, but was forever trying to get back up.

I also realised Jesus never sees failure the way we do..... when Lazurus was dead in his grave - Mary and martha saw it as failure and massive dissapointment, Jesus saw it as opportunity.

When people saw the cross they saw failure, even Peter. But now we see eternal Hope.

funny old world.
Nice to be in you 2007. sorry for the belated welcome... xxx

finger tips only

2006-12-17T19:43:00.000Z

i have a picture that used to be on my dream wall. it was of a man free climbing (ie no ropes and helmets etc), hanging by his hands from a overhang, legs swinging in the air. I really like the picture; the look of the the challenge, the seemingly insane activity and the remoteness of his success.

On reflection, a silly thing to pin on a wall where pictures are like prayers.

I took it down a few weeks ago after realising it described my situation with God quite well - ie barely holding on by my fingertips.
Now though, thankfully, it seems like i made it up and over.... am lying on the top of the rockface, panting for breath as my arm muscles scream at me and my legs wobble.

But the bit that surprises me most - is the exhiliration i feel having got this far! I would expect to feel it in real life, after something so challenging, but it seems silly to feel it when describing my 'journey'.

But i really do.

I think the last few weeks have happened by grace alone. Jesus asked me to walk down a previsouly unwalked path, named 'Doubt, Disbelief and Dissapointment', which had previsouly been out of bounds due to fear of never returning.
So with much trembling and not much of a clue, off i wandered to face some of the above.... hence why i ended up, what felt like, just hanging on.

yet here i am - surprised because at the end of it all I still want to know Jesus as my Friend and Lord. There were parts when i didn't at all - and thats why so much of it was by grace. I didn't get me here. it wasn't my arm muscles that lifted me up, but God's grace. I wasn't able to face those fears and overcome them, without some divine hope of something bigger, something more to live for, rather than just being trapped by all the above.

Its not even that I have answered all the questions or doubts, but i know i have walked to the edge i feared to see and God has not let me go. I have faced the cliff face and he has kept me safe, even when it felt he had left me alone.

Part of me, as ever, in such a moment of exhiliration after sheer terror, shouts "let's do it again, again!!". while the rest of me wants to just sit here and take in the view. But at least now i know there is a view to be had, that it wasn't mindless struggle for nothing.

and more importantly i know He carried me and is truely faithful.

Pink house festivities

2006-12-16T11:51:00.000Z

the turkey is cooked,
its only 11 am
the bread sauce is burnt
and the cranberry jelly is done

but the sproats are pilled high
(URG)
and potatoes are going soggy
we have a fire place
made of cardboard
and an 8ft inflatable santa
who is taking over the kitchen

the tree is squint
the piano is out of tune
the mulled wine a bit too hot
we have lost the mince pies
and run out of pans

we can't all fit round the table
and there is no snow. boo.

But we are singing a 4 part harmony
about a sheep
and making melodies on a kazoo

we are laughing and having fun
singing
eating food
and havig afternoon naps

Perfect.

Merry Pink House Christmas everyone!!!

ps sorry to the manchester crew - but i wouldn't miss this for the world!!

2006-11-23T14:40:00.001Z

So this week has been a bit bonkers. fairly major house upsets ..... but through all of this God has just done the most amazing things (as is His want).

I have been here in London a year almost exactly. I am still not sure why - but I have fallen on my feet again. When the poo hit the fan this week community here just sprung into life in the most amazing way..... its not that it wasn't there before, i just didn't realise they were there for me. I haven't done anything to earn it, or been here long enough to deserve such genuine offers of help. Being friends with people over time is great, and i do really love and appreciate all my long standing friendships. But there is something quite amazing when people you hardly know, but are connected to through a bunch of friendly people (aka known as church/community), go out of their way to help and be supportive. really great.

in all the upset, somehow i feel more settled.

But it was also a challenge to the independant streak in me - i could have tried to do all the coping and crying by myself. Instead it was about learning how to let others support me and love me without trying to give it back or feeling like i owe them something.

As someone said this week, community is not about 'you scratch my back' etc..... but about serving each other out of worship to Christ. and this week i was pleasently taken aback by its beauty and simplicity.

It wasn't planned. It already was.

did you know....

2006-11-15T15:15:00.000Z

a pigeon at full flight goes at 30 mph.

who knew....

positively dangerous at eye height.

2006-11-14T18:17:00.000Z

so its been a while but life has just been ticking over really.

reading lots of history.
Random factoid: richard 2nd, enthroned in 1370 something, was the first guy, in recorded english history, to request a handkerchief to wipe his nose with.
bonkers... we have had a lot of monarchs, so after a while its just a bit confusing. Elizabeth was pretty cool, but james and charles sucked really.

there you have it - english history, by anna. hehe

also i disocvered an shop that sells tropical fish etc on great portland st... i don't ness agree with lots of little nemo's swimming around. but from a totally shelfish (get it!!) point of view, it was a really peaceful place to be. just wandering around, looking at the weird and wonderful world that God created, just because... in the hope that one day we would see it (preferably in nature not in glass).

and fish are just chilled out. I need to go diving.

went to see the Blue Man Group last night - for free. winner!! They were so so good. the best thing i have seen in ages. one good thing about doing something totally new and cutting edge - old rules don't apply. traditions don't hold you back.

other than that life is a bit of a head mess.... when a relationship becomes a desperate list of requests, it makes me really sad. Where has the passion gone?Its not even that the passion has gone, but been smothered by rubbish, by worry, by not understanding, by feeling sqeezed.
6 years in - does it remain like this all the time??

I know it doesn't - as so many friends attest to (nice one ozza), and i am not going to give up. But where do the things growing in my heart lie with the small but somehow suffocating things of life.

At the same time though i am learning lots, reading heaps and meeting lots of great new people. I may not understand what is going on - but i'm not going to stop and be suffocated. But try, even when i don't know how, to trust in that Hope and know Goodness in the land of the living - cause it is here.
Even though I have only had the vaguest scent of heaven - its too good to give up just because i don't fully get it.

so there

tea anyone?

still reading

2006-10-30T16:04:00.000Z

although winston churchill is now finished. the end is sad - he dies. just incase you were left wondering, or have i just ruined it for you haha
but his life was amaizing - PM at 79, seeing things that other people where too blind or naive to see. People say he was not a good peace time PM - true his best work was during the wars....but before both the wars he had thought about minimum wage, the NHS and social security. so far ahead of the pack....

and v inspiring. It also showed me some good sides in our history and culture which are so easily blasted because of the bad things that came from them, such as colonialistion. But things like when he was voted out of power after WW2, his response was "its what we have been fighting for all along"....

(it could be said that WW2 came out of WW1, which has v doubtful motives - ie prob not for democracy, but empire building)

but a simple view of the start of ww2 is that Poland had been invaded by a tyrannt and not allowed to hold votes to get him in or out - so we wanted to help them. So when he was voted out in a demcratic process he could only rejoice that the process could still happen - when so many were behind the iron curtain without that right. (this in turn got me thinking about politics today - where do we fit into them today - dunno)

anyway, am getting distracted - i think i jsut learnt a lot. and stopped being quite so cynical about it all. Yes we are fallen, not v nice people, but behind so much there is a hint of the purer version that God had intended. I think it has reinspired that hope. We, well me anyway, are so quick to shout at the bad stuff, without making a good hard search for the good stuff, even if it is well hidden.

am also thinking a lot about lots of other things - like politics and the church etc. did you know that in the 1st century - the kiss of peace was full on the lips, so outsiders thought we were a sex cult, because they loved each other so much. (I might add this was not just shown in the kiss, as they could only do it once, but in general lifestyle choices).....

so lots of questions and interesting thoughts, but other than that life is really normal for once. and i am quite enjoying that. i can't say how long it will last though.

reading

2006-10-20T18:26:00.000+01:00

so i have been reading some really great stuff recently. Winston churchill is on going and as inspiring as ever.

but just started a study group re church history and read this great quote from a first century christian......

"We do not talk about great things; we live them."

my preference exactly.

life as it is

2006-10-09T16:52:00.000+01:00

man - time is flying by and suddenly we are in mid october (soon be christmas i hear you shout!!)

life is wonderfully full of colour, diversions and lots of laughter, with a healthy dose of brain sqeezing and muscle pulling!!

The colour and diversions have come in the form of my housemates and various free tickets to west-end shows. If you ever get the chance you should try very very hard to NOT go and see 'Daddy Cool'.... its music taken from ronnie m (whoever he is - clearly an historically famous singer). The plot is as thin as a thin piece of paper, (although they do make camden market quite realistically), singing quite bad, acting slightly better. But the show truely finds its own "special' form 20 minutess before the end. clearly the writer was getting bored with his own ideas, took some 'exotic herbs' and then continued to jazz it up a bit. the adjustments include a giant parrot being suspended from the ceiling, lowered and lifted up again, followed by a giant mechanical snake where you can almost see the guys working the winch in the background....

they did manage to recieve a standing ovation, but only by the fact that they had everyone up dancing and singing to the last song where the most hiddeous costumes were worn. suddenly it was the end of the show and the audience were clapping and standing - cheeky me thinks....

anyway, don't bother.

did go see some comedy though, david o'doherty was great.

Brain sqeezing is coming through meeting people who totally disagree with many aspects of church/God (or rather totally don't think he exists)...... love the challenge of learning to communicate clearly and making sense of ideas i thought i really knew. the most interesting so far being with a sheik mystic.

Muscle twanging has come from dancing, prob quite badly on various occasions, and walking really quite far shopping or in parks. it autumn and lush outside!!!

Other news is that i am now the owner of a lush red, bright red, dress. can you believe it - the pastels have gone, long live all the others!!!

so life is god and full. although sadly the flipflops have been put away. I will miss them, but i do love the seasons....

as the one and only fleetwood mac sing "I don't care for sunny weather, I like the change of seasons better". amen to that sister.

2006-09-26T13:59:00.000+01:00

is it totally ridiculous that i have just had my first mince pie?

or that i am still wearing flipflops??

upside down world

2006-09-23T12:09:00.000+01:00

since my last post a lot has happened.....

hooked up with 4 crazy international friends for an evening of laughter, chinese, beer, tears and prayer - perfect, but defo not often enough. This happened after a shock visit to gatwick to pick up the lovely oria dale, and then travel to the middle of nowhere, to meet the others and laugh at thier totally shocked faces. 10 points to ozza for shock potential!!!

It was then onto Uganda, via a miracle last minute ticket, to see the people i am going to be working with and the children i will be working for. They are amazing - after enough trauma for a life time, are only just beginning to live. But when they laugh and smile - its amazing..... especially when you see the context from which they come, the slums or the north.

The combination of bad news from home and seeing such back breaking and shocking poverty, made it an emotional week. But all the way through God was successfully turning my world upside down.

What does it look like to be prophetic amoung countries which are so well labelled as "diseased, dying, starving, war ravaged, corrupt" etc. Everyone knows what a bad state the third world is in, even if it can't imagine the scale or depth of depravity. And i don't want to be someone who denies the level of human suffering. But as part fo the church, surely we should be speaking words of life and hope, not just confirmation of what is already there. Jesus so often called things by what they would become, not by what they were. and i think that is where my heart lies....

anything we do in partnership with 'the thrid world', should not be about last ditch effort to maybe save some lives, although that is so needed... but it shoudl be about unlocking potential that is there.

i realise i say this with no study of development, no practicl outworking, nothing really to say this is it - the answer.... it was just an observation and thought. might be totally wrong.... i have no idea, but i look forward to finding out.

2006-08-27T15:34:00.000+01:00

just a quick one - to say welcome to my sister (v on rhs), she has joined the bloggin world with "rantings of a political pulse" (nick name is chickpea, amoung others....)

also a quote which i found

"we are all worms, but i do believe i am a glow worm."
Winston Churchill, 1906

His biography is really great by the way. its my current book and its amazing to see that before he was this great war leader, he stood for the poor and really led the way in terms of social security, miniumum wage etc..... he had some crazy adventures, went through uganda and most of north eastern africa. He really stood for what he believed in even if it meant he was at odds with his party and his friends.

v inspiring.....

its great discovering a good, fruitful outlet for passion, when it comes from a solid source. I think i have realised that 2 years ago it came from insecurity and other rubbish, like trying to prove myself or something. now hopefully the source and reason for it is purer, from God's heart, as opposed to mine.

anyay a slight queue for the computer so will sign off, xxxx

my 90th blog entry

2006-08-25T11:34:00.000+01:00

.... well done me. never figured i would have stuck at it so long!

Why is it that when britain decides to go on holiday, either camping or away on the bank holiday one of two things happen. either it rains like there is no tomorrow and people walk around saying "drought, what drought?", or the government decides to rip up all the major roads!! - heyho - life on the little island continues as normal!!

the camping trip of this week was indeed more of a swimming expedition than camping. on the first day sharon and i had to set up our tent inside someone elses and then dragged it outside such was the downpour - by the end of it i had realised my waterproof coat was perhaps only shower proof (am not going to test it again to check mind you!!), and i had soaked through a third of my clothes for the few days - let the fun begin!!!

but we did laugh lots, and the week continued in much the same vein. crazy dancing to cheesy beats, crazy God times and great worship - there is nothing quite like it when there are thousands of you together - blows my mind a bit!! We realise our insignificance in the light of the body, individualism has to die, and God gets v big indeed!

i then returned to the parents house to join my siblings in some diy decorating. i forget how much fun it can be - deep down i think i might be a bit of a decorating genius - it is fairly deep down though hehe. the cunning plan is to then miss the holiday traffic and head back to london and normal life (if there is such a thing) for a week before i fly out to Uganda and my new job!!!

I am so excited and also a little scared. One thing that i was reminded of lots this week while camping in sunny (or not) shepton mallet, was how much God loves the poor and forgotten, how His favour is totally directed toward them. And i have the privilege of serving them..... i just hope i don't mess up. Well, even if I do He has got it covered, but when other people are involved i would rather not!!

I think i was also reminded of the things which make me tick most, the stuff that gets me fired up - and it is the poor, the lost and injustice. At the same time though i was shocked at my total lack of commitment, prayer or action toward them uptil now. Yes there maybe valid reasons (or vague attempts) for that but now i am all out of excuses. How can i have been a christian for 6 or so years, and not led anyone to Him...... basically that bit in James (if you read these things and don't do them youre faith is foolish, or words to that effect)..... i could keep on making excuses, getting leasons in how to.... or i could just do it and trust that he is able to help me in everything.

He spent his whole life in action and word, for the poor, the lost and the oppressed. He served, he washed feet..... now me thinks it is about time i did the same.

It feels like this new part of my journey is like the blind man healed in John.... his eyes were covered in mud, and he had to walk to the well to wash, before he could see and know he was healed. It feels like there is so much i don't yet see or understand about God's love or the kingdom, but He is telling me to walk forward. and i will, in faith that as i do, i will see more of His love... not just for me but the world.

I can't just have faith for me anymore - my healing, my money, my future - its too me focused if nothing else. I need to have faith that Uganda can be healed and brought to peace, that lives can be transformed, and the oppressed go free.....That is the sort of God worth telling people about!!! amen...

ok rant over. realising me fires have been relit. oh my....

2006-08-08T12:43:00.000+01:00

so its hot and funny here again. september get back you fiend - winter shall not be here just yet!!!!

so have almost moved house, v exciting, although quite sad. this week have laughed sooo much i have a new flat tummy!!! discovered the more theatrical side of me coming out as well as the dancer inside - the kitchen dancing is improving all the time!!!!
so life is lots of fun.

it seems like the 'season' of the last 2.5 years is coming to an end and god is giving me hints about what is coming up next. as ever it is a bit like a tube map for a pedestrian - everything is on there, but it looks much more simple than it is above ground! So i look forward to the unexpected. even the stuff he is talking about is great, and i just can't stop laughing when i think about it. life is, and will no doubt continue to be good..... better even!!!

so not much to report. well done to anna p, who has an amazing job. basically written for her personally - isn't he good. well done my sister who is soon to be living in tooting, nice.
me, i will be living in the pink house..... it has a pink fence!

2006-07-29T15:47:00.000+01:00

not much happening on the anna front right now.....

reading Romans like it is going out of fashion - what a great book!!!

About to move house
about to start a job with arnold..... v excited!!!!

my suntan has improved

as have my dancing-round-the-kitchen skills!!!
oh, and someone thinks i am funny!!! what is the world coming too hehe

my housemate thinks i am like mary poppins - i appear, cause some well needed chaos, and then go again! How cool is that - but i do lack in the cool shoes and carpet bag dept!! Wind from the east anyone???

so all is good. laughing lots!

nothing else to report....

oh otherthan the film 'sideways' is totally rubbish, don't even bother!

2006-07-21T12:24:00.000+01:00

after a few days of grrrrrrr and not really understanding much i have just had a bit of an ohhhhhhhh moment, you know when things just fall into place. Learnt what the word justified meant, in a biblical context - i.e. God sees me as perfect, 'cause i believe in Jesus dying for me - how cool is that!!!..... and this was only 3 chaptrs into the book!!!

i love it when words you have heard for ages just suddenly make sense - having a dictionary helps!!

had a great morning this morning in true anna styleee - listening to a cd, dancing round the kitchen and cleaning all at the same time. my ide of fun - sad i know. but satisfying.

got locked into regents park yesterday - had to do a break out. hehe.

settled - perhaps not

2006-07-18T18:33:00.000+01:00

on returning home from a weeks travelling around with the family, i realised i must have 'settled' here - simply because i was so joyful on my return. I do really love living here and hanging out with sharon, the garden and the park posse. This feeling means only one thing - i am soon to be moving! which is infact right, end of this month i shall pitch my tent 1 min from here - but in a v different house. life is never boring when you ask to be moved on from any comfy zones!!!

The last week though has been family filled. My lil' sis got a 2;1, as well as being 21 the day before - so this called for much eating, drinking and general family merriment. was execllent. although i always eat too much and don't have to eat for a week! But there was much driving up and down the nation, long train journeys and a large horse fly bite - so i am glad to be back.

Victoria has said she has only been mentioned once before in my blog, so at this point i would like to say something more about her. (at this point she is blushing and getting mad at me.... hehe, its what big sistrs are for). She is my height, normally has curly brown hair (these 2 factors are variable), and is beautiful. She is also v funny, cheeky and is about to start being an accountant in london, while also wishing to go into politics. She also has a thing for news readers on the bbc, esp the welsh one whose name i forget. She likes to carpe deim - seize the carpe ;) and can be v fiesty if injustice or tickling is about. She is the opposite of me in so many ways - except that we both want to save the world (just in different ways).

Basiclly she is amazing and i love her to pieces. so there. (no escaping it now titch, its in the public domain)....

On a different note - london is hot. but wifi works in my shady garden so its job hunting in the shade. nice.

Other than that life is good. am reading lots of the good book - named because surely it is good, as i am finding.

Someone said this week that our generation is unique in that we are likely to have 4 careers - 3 of which haven't even been invented yet. And suddenly the limiting lid of possibilities is blown right off, again. Its happening a lot recently, to my surprise and joy!!!

i love community

2006-07-06T23:53:00.000+01:00

I love community for many reasons

big bbq's when you get given more food than you bought, and your fridge ends up full of scrummy things

interesting kitchens to have t in

when its 10.55 pm and all the shops are shut, even the dodgy corner one which is perhaps a front for, i dunno, m-and-m smuggling.... you can call the pink house and ask for a spare loo role, so you don't pee your pants before bed.

laughing about totally inane things, and going purple in the face, not being able to speak, and people not thinking you are totally weird at the end of it all.

borrowing most of the ingredients for cake, but then having people to share it with.

....... guess what i did today. lovely.

2006-07-04T22:14:00.000+01:00

He who binds himself to joy
Does a winged life destroy
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternities sunrise

William Blake

2006-06-27T11:25:00.000+01:00

I love walking in parks in the rain. They are always empty and its great to feel like you have a place all to yourself here in London. I also love the sound of rain on the leaves and puddles, and the fact i have to be quiet to hear it. I enjoy the slightly farcical sight of tourists looking like huge marshmallows in their white bin bag rain poncho things - why do they wear them, when i am sure in their own country they wear v sensible clothes.

This weekend was my sister's 21st birthday party - it was lots and lots of fun. Got to wear a gorg dress my mum made and heals that may have caused some damage - but totally worth it. Victoria looked stunning (yes you did) and mum and dad loved being hospitible with so many of their old friends from all over and all of v's as well. It was great seeing family friends from times and places past - i forget that sometimes it is relationships like these which see years and seasons change, who remind me where i come from.

I am currently enjoying a quiet week after a busy one last week. It was all great stuff and i enjoyed seeing friends, but i forget the introvert in me needs time to touch base with Jesus, or i become this horrible monster person, who is really not very nice at all!!!
Outside of Him things loose perspective and i loose energy and any real ability to love. I can do the actions, but just simmer inside with impatience. I am currently reading another great book (must be a fluke - so many at once) and its just reminding me that its totally acceptable, no essential, for me to live from the heart. To live for who and what i believe in - not to try and water it down, or become all religious so its more acceptable to people. But actually be who He has called me to be, even if i have no idea who that is or what it looks like.
But I am realising more and more that I just need to let go and trust. I can trust him with money, relationships, future etc - but the challenge i am finding is to trust him with me, with my heart. This might sound all soppy and overly emotional, but maybe thats me. i dunno. but when its been broken and emptied, it makes the choice a bit harder.

But somehow in Him,now I am laughing about it, when in the past i cried. And there is the freedom to be able to trust and then just run in faith, hope and further into Love.

And then as if to prove His point, I saw a great poster this week - "Well behaved women rarely make history!" Oh, Amen to that!!

fun in the sun

2006-06-17T18:19:00.000+01:00

had a great few days with my mum last week - eating good food and wandering around shops and parts of london that you only go with your parents, and only if you are very good.

The tan is coming on nicely, as is my general aquantience with the parks of london. they are all v good - i esp like the green stripped deck chairs and the cute ducklings. Yesterday had a feeling of the ridiculous about it when in the space of one shopping day (about 9 hours for you guys) mum and i saw 3 different instances of skirts being trapped in knickers.... v v funny. although slightly unfortunate for the ladies involved, although one ( had a touch too much pimms me thinks) thought it was hilarious when brought to her attention.

clearly us girls, after a winter of jeans and long coats are slightly out of practise of checking that everything is where it should be when exiting the powdering room. If nothing else - it was a good giggle!! and a good mental note (must check skirt)

2006-06-13T12:02:00.000+01:00

i can't believe i have not blogged in a month. ops, sorry. Life has certainly taken on a fuller dimension over the last wee while. its just full of good stuff, so full in fact i hardly know what to do with it all. Its just such a contrast to a few months ago that it feels like they can't be part of the same journey... somehow though they are!

Life in London is good i think, although i have not spent much time here thus far. I am loving getting to know the guys on regents park, where relationships just seem to be lots of fun with few boxes or expectations. Time away from London has been good - road trips with the girls have been great. lots of prayer and cake - a great combo! Watched the film confetti while away - never laughed so hard all the way through a film, sooo funny.

Last week i was in a 24/7 prayer room in sale and have been reminded of the thing that makes me tick - just being with God, just because. Loved it - but felt the uncomfortable challenge that things should change when i return to london..... i guess i just feel a bit out of practise. Not that he counts that, i just need to rediscover that place again.

the journey with work continues - feel for the first time that i am seeing myself, in terms of position, more clearly than ever. Realising, probably slightly slowly, that i am not meant to sit in a small grey office for the rest of my life. whereas before part of me would say, oh thats just pride, now i realise it just not me. and thats ok. so as the possible oppertunities get whittled down, the space in my head to work on just sems to get bigger - i guess the phrase, nothing is impossible for God comes ino effect now. where i see me going is not anywhere i can take me - so lets jsut wait and see what doors are opened.

has anyone else noticed the SUN!!! its been shining. really, its true. Its june and I have a tan!!! (although one shoulder decided this morning to give up trying - its gone to peeling mode, boo). So i am enjoying much time in my garden and the park with friends and good icecream. Mangos are in season too which makes for many a comic moment. Yesterday i ate one for b'fast. it was ever so slightly past its best - but i did not realise this meant it would become mainly just juice. so i sat there, having peeled it v genteely, sucking it. Juice was everwhere, face, arms, floor, table.... but i just loved it. soo tasty and fun. i sat there laughing at myself trying to be all 'delicate' while just making a big mess...... a good way to start the day.

but then it rained on my bed sheets. after a day of super quick washing via sun drying, the last wash was pee-ed upon. boo.

do you ever have days where your typing is so bad, it looks like you are writing in welsh. thats me today.

2006-05-15T14:03:00.000+01:00

i am having such a lot of fun right now - its great. HAd quite a random week.... at started out very very boring, filling in applications and not saying anything. But then they were done and i randomly decided to go to b'ham for the 24-7 network day. lots of old and new friends, fun and a eat as much as you want chinese. thanks 24-7.

i think all the e-numbers and colouring set me off on one - so i was a bit hyper in the avo. but it was great to see people again. On saturday i slept in and hdc missed her train, ops. but then with her safely homeward, i went for an epic walk to catch up with a birthday party walking between camden and hyde park. We went along the regents canal with all this house boats. It felt like a totally different side of london, v v cute! This was then followed, after a slight bread fight, with the long walk home - but the company was great. On the way friends invited me to a last minute bbq in oxfordshire, so get home, shower and jump on the bus....

on arriving in ox, the heavens opened and we all shelter under a v large gazebo (sp??), while sitting on hay bales - fun. Met lots of fun new people and some old uni friends. Next morning after not enough sleep i get a lift back in a nice car, to go and join a tea party on the estate - much cake and tea and fake grass. a long story.....

this was then followed by a lovely mexican coming to stay, but leaving at silly o'clock to fly home. tonight the lovely Kay isstaying and on wed its beautiful anna.

It feels like life is suddenly very full and colourful. Just like i had always hoped.

Noise

2006-05-08T11:58:00.000+01:00

Reading more good books at the mo - I would suggest 'Nickel and Dimed' by Barbara Ehrenreich to anyone looking for a wider perspective on poverty. It is american, and so it is slightly different over here, having state welfare etc, but Polly Toynbee of the Guardian has written a british equivalent, i just don't know what the name is.

One thing i was struck by was the underreporting of this side of our society. One third of british children are born into poverty, but we are meant to be "developed'. I totally agree that the levels of poverty here are not comparable with those in the third world, which do totally deserve our attention, as we are helping to precipitate it. But in our "helping" of those people far away, are we pacifying our guilty concinence - rather than facing the challenge that our neighbours, people like us, are in dire need of help. Its easy to send of a cheque, or go on a trip to see those impacted by poverty and disease. But the challenge I face is making that a reality in my life. The good samaritan did what he could right there and then, he did not travel half way round the world to go and 'find it'.

This is not to poo poo efforts in the third world, some of my closest friend are right in there - and i want to be there to. Using all my skills and talents where ever i can.... it just happens that right now I am here and not there. So this is not a rant, more of a note to self.....

Being really challenged at the moment about the power of words. In a world which is full of spin and half truths, have we become cynical about their power and the power of truth? Can we even discern the truth when we find it, or do we chuck it out straight away. In our pleasure focused society do we easily throw away words which challenge and provoke a response, in the hope of something 'nicer'.

At the same time, am i willing to be someone who doesn't fall into the trap of speaking half truths, or talking about things which i have no idea about? Am i willing to shut up in order that the quieter voices have a chance to speak, or will it be a afront to my pride, my very precious (?) opinions, and need to be heard, if i stay quiet.

Alternatively, will i speak truth when everyne else is happy hearing lies? Am i willing to seek out painful, but lifegiving truth, rather than pacify myself with comfortable, easy falsehood.

Tricky.... i know where i want to go, but as James said, taming the tongue is tricky. or words to that effect.

So - that was nice and light hearted then wasn't it - just a bit of verbal processing.

but other than all that - life is gooooooood.

no ducks in a row

2006-04-25T16:30:00.000+01:00

just when you think you have everything together, God thinks that it is getting boring and decides to shake things up (but i just realised that i did ask him to, opps)....

so April is bringing with it a sense of instability (jobs, flats, and other steady pegs moving). After initial freak out I am reminded that if it as not changing i would get bored, and 2) something else more exciting is round the corner.....So perhaps instability is the wrong word. Maybe unpredictability is better.

Realising more and more what a poobum fear is - and am enjoying coming out from under it. It totally kills joy and laughter and beauty. boo to fear.
But yeah to free Ben and Jerry's - it was their birthday today and so i wandered down to the tower of london for two free scoops (strawb cheese cake and choco fudge brownie... yum). Weirdly the walk through the city is one i really like - somehow it inspires me with beauty. But then i get lost when at a crucial junction i find a camera shop and get totally distracted!

The job hunt continues, swinging from excitement and relishing the challenge to "oh my i am totally unemployable" (which is obviously not true, i just haven't yet found where i am). But i am enjoying London and learning to see its beauty and funny side... like small dogs (rats some might say) wearing jackets (why?)being walked on regents park. If the wind is blowing they just get pushed about as they try to walk in a straight line... v funny. and a good reason not to get such silly small dog. big dogs are good.

anyway, crashing on...

so in the words of Manwell ' i know nothing' about what might or might not be happening this end of the world, other than right now, life is quite good really. but the holes in my jeans are really quite indecent......

a good book - the time traveller's wife

2006-04-03T14:37:00.001+01:00

April is here and so is spring..... hurrah for sunshine and blossom!

Having got over jet lag ( realised i become a not v nice person when tired and all out of sync.) I discovered i was back in London! But was able to see it with much more positive eyes than before vc. I have now also moved house to a place just off regents park - it sounds posh but it is still an estate with lots of bored kids in it. love 'em.

My new house is lovely and i am enjoying being a mere 25 mins walking from covent garden and all things central. I also have a garden - so bring on bbq's and smoothies this summer. please tell me there will be more sunshine....

on reflection of my time away, i do feel much better for it. I think most places, not just london, can just sit on you after a while and sometimes its good just to get away. I was fortunate that it was the oher side of the world! Vancouver is a good city - everything you need, all those wierd random little corners and quaters that make it intersting but not too spread out. with lush views of mts and the pacific too. always wonderful. lovely company (i miss you oz.), but shame about the weather. And as i am discovering with lots of journeys and travels, its not just about where you go but where you return to. If london was still the same then i was slightly different - and maybe that made all the difference.

So now i am back, in a new house in a new part of town. I am meeting new people, and walking new streets - life feels like it may well be getting better. and its not just 'cause its sunny til later! although that does help.
Sharon my housemate and i are laughing lots - esp at my attempts to ice skate and bowl (not at the same time!) - our main aim is to have muchos silliness and fun. bring it on.

Other than that I am job hunting and feeling quite inspired about the whole thing actually. Also discovering lots of random dreams that i have, are already being done! So i am hoping to go and join some of them. One in particular is exciting - a bunch of people in an old warehouse just off brick lane - rehersal space, office space and other random creative space - but a main focus of community! Bring it on.... so am helping to paint there tomorrow and meet lots of other random dreamers. what an answer to prayer!
find them at www.ragfactory.org.uk

It feels like London, The Introduction, is over.
Now begins London, Chapter 1.
bring on the london adventures!

2006-03-23T20:53:00.000Z

this holiday i have (in no particular order)........

- travelled further west than ever before
- seen the pacific for the first time
- read 3 new books
- drank 4 huge cocktails (beleni's in a goldfish bowl and a french kiss!!)
- eaten new types of mexican food, and lots of it
- drank copious amounts of red wine and coffee (nothing new there!)
- skied harder and faster than ever before
- got v lost
- spent heaps of time with ozza
- had more muscle pain than at any other point in my life
- laughed hard
- dreamer bigger

.... and generally felt totally spoilt by God.

isn't he good.

a few canadian pics

2006-03-22T21:39:00.000Z

great days

2006-03-21T01:47:00.000Z

what can i say - have just had the best few days in ages....

went up to whistler to ski, its totally amazing up there. clear air, huge mountains and forests.... i could try and describe it but it totally would not do it justice - suffice to say God was having a good day when he made the rockies!!!!

My ski-ing was not great but soooo much fun. laughed a lot when wiping out. Enjoyed the amazing silence, pushed myself hard in terms of speed and challenging my own fear - felt so exhilerated by it all...... now i ache. all over.

I am all up for more adventures and my body goes 'on your own mate, i'm done!!" so its going to be a few days of mind over muscle pain... but it was soo worth it!!!

Ozza and i hitched back last night with a guy who had the most amazing blue eyes. we then walked over lions gate bridge for sun set, then sat on English bay looking at the stars and the sea - where else can you go from opuntain top to see level in a day!!!! on the way back we picked up a great falafel and stopped into ER for her stitchs - she had 3 from 10 days ago. A meat chopping blade... ouch! But a bit silly though, it wasn't even on or moving.... in true oz style!

so a great weekend. now i have a few days enjoying the sun of vc - it is v sunny here. yipeeee. am not even thinnking about england yet - the local beauty and body pain have got my attenion for now.

hobbling

2006-03-17T23:50:00.000Z

today felt truely felt like a holiday - i was noticebly more chilled than the last few.... horrah!

The sun has come out, which is great, but most of the mounts are still in clouds. but the water and bits of hill that i can see from the roof, look amazing in the light. Not doing much, just hanging out and hobbling everywhere... somehow, and i have no idea how, i hurt the arches in my foot, so its seriously sore to walk. but its kinda good - an exercise in slowing right down. not so good a am meant to be ski-ing tom - so out with the tigerbalm and on with the prayer!!!

Remembering that north americans only tend to eat carbs and MEAT!!! (what would atkins say).... and it feels like they nly serve tea to be polite, but not because they like it! SO bring on some fresh fruit. saying that though i went to grenville island market yesterday - its great and huge and i would sooo shop there if i lioved here. its got loads of diff stuff, all local and from the farmers - so there wal mart!

Being over here is also showing me what an english person i am (the good and bad). but also that somehow i have allowed it to seep into my relationship with God. He is many things - but a polite english gent is not one of them (although, for the picky of you out there He does have traits found in a polite english man...)

I find myself craving, to His relief i suspect, a real relationship with Him. Not something oh so polite and english - but real and raw and if needs be, noisey, messy and rude!!! So far its been a bit scary but refreshing all the same.

As i discovered afresh thihs morning, and in the words of bridget jones diary (the film) - He loves me, just the way I am.... even if that means stinking of tiger balm ( as i currently am) and eating way too many muffins - cause they are v good over here....

other than all that life is good. ozza is well but looking forward to getting out of here and her job. We are enjoying many glasses of fine red wine and just catching up..... sometimes its just better face to face.

today the roof garden - tomorrow the mountains!!!!!

hols in the rain

2006-03-15T19:32:00.000Z

so i have inherited the 'twitchy traveller syndrome' from my dad - give yourself at least 3 times the amount of prep time before travel in order that you don't miss your plane - but are left waiting for agggggggessssss!!!

so packed my bag and room on monday morning - with lots of time to spare. then caught the plane to vancouver..... yipeee. but who should be getting on the plane at the same time as me - the one and only Colin Firth!!!! I stood 5 feet from Mr Darcy!!

I am not normally a celeb spotter - in fact the whole idea of it is a bit wierd to me..... but knowing that quite so many of my friends fully appreicated the bbc addaption of P and P - i figured you would all be exicted by this rare spotting! I also saw ant and dec on the way back from Manchester - but bothered!

So Vancouver is mostly rainy!!!! there rae mountains, so i have been told... but they are currently hiding behind said rain clouds. But if its raining here then its snowing in Whistler - where i shall be heading on fri night for a day of pure bliss - ski-ing!! oh my i just can't wait!!!

Ozza and i are eating like kings and drinking lots of lovely redwine - happy days!! while she works I wonder about, generally getting lost and soaked in the huge forest which to hard canadians is just a small park. today though i am just staying in a bit longer til the rain has passed its worst!!

Manchester this weekend was great - lots of firm friends all in one place. I realise now that when i was there i totally took for granted the amazing gift that was my life there. I spent sunday cooking and chatting with 2 friends - haven't done that for ages. really missed it - felt sooooo loved after! But made me realsie what an exceptional time i had there - being able to do that all the time - its just not possible so much in london. or here in VC according to ozza.....

so we are both missing life in manchester but defo looking forward to the next thing. for oz is brazil, for me - london?? but different i hope. we shall see. for now its mainly muffins and hot chocolate, even though it feels warmer here than england....

2006-03-08T15:25:00.000Z

so realised that i have spent the last few weeks in a worry induced fog..... totally not good. wrecks my perspective and peace, joy and general fun-ness. boo to worry.

but - i had a lady bird in my bedroom. totally surprised me and then i got totally lost watching it... it was like a little 4x4 going over my bobbly carpet. so cute, and v condusive to all round sense of well being and peace.

but why are they called lady birds? and not lady bugs?? perhaps the namer thought it was more polite or something. i wonder how the male lady birds feel about it?

maybe i need to get out more....

booked travel insurance, beginning to get v excited about general holiday vibe. although i do have to sqeeze my bedroom into a few boxes over the next two days..... but with the airport and oria waiting i think i'll manage!!!

2006-03-06T17:26:00.000Z

you know its been a long time when....

there is a layer of dust on your camera bag and you have no idea where you put your charcoals.....

after what can only be described as a heavy week i had a great weekend starting with wagga mamma's with jude, south bank with my camera and great light, hanging out with zanna, walking through parks and eating pizza with hatts....

great.

guitar playing going well, now have 6 cords.... still confused about the right hand rythmn thing, but no doubt i have my own style in this!
london is cold but with a dissapointing lack of snow - 5 flakes on last count! but no doubt vancouver will have more - whistler for sure. oh my - skiing. really can't wait......
but before that manchester and baby josh's dedication... horay. haven't seen those guys for ages. but missing the global family who seem quite far away at the mo.... thinking of y'all xxxx

2006-03-02T20:55:00.000Z

so since i last wrote things have been a bit busy...

Helped out at soundcheck, SPEAK's national conference. it was great to get back into the speak family, and realsie just how much i love it and how much i believe in what they do, even if i am not the conference type. But seeing old friends and making new ones,while hearing some amazing people wrestle with the issues of power and the church.... great. a real chllenge. why should we, the church be looking to have power when the v guy we worship gave all his up in order to win after all.....

a paradox i just don't understand.

since then i have had two batches of pancakes (!!!) v scrummy, walked down the banks of the thames - really pretty, and been given tickets to go on holiday- to VANCOVER!!! so i am off to see the lovely ozza, who i miss heaps!!! horray for random God provision - who ever said he was stingy!!

So amlifting my eyes to what is coming, feel like a new thing is about to unfold,interms of work and vision. Am moving soon hopefully, and feel like after a few months of being introduced to London, i will soon be right in there, living life more fully than i am now.

Boiler stuff is going well, family being built. Am continuing to drink large volumes of tea and talk lots with jude - but feel that its a good time. in fact today we discussed that some of the most 'kingdom' things we have ever done have been while drinking a cup of tea. the stuff we think is great history shaping stuff is maybe not so important in this bonkers upside down kingdom that we are trying to find/build/usher in or someting.....

other than that life is good, if not v v cold. am loving the guitar at the mo - just a great new creative medium for me. and ejoying dreaming, without London squishing all thoughts of a different life.

a new month...... a new view.... and hopefully a bit more sun, cause i'm cold!

runied tea....

2006-02-10T10:30:00.000Z

So got some new housemates this week -but we are not getting on well. They smell, use my room when I am in it, eat little corners off my food and scare us all - not my normal choice.

But i didn't have any - they invaded us. We have mice!!! urghhhhh
found one this week red handed. Was coming home after a long day when i thought i would have tea, crumpets and cake - a winner combo. As i open the bread bin i notice little bits of foil by my nice foil wrapped, italien cake. On opneing it i see that it has in fact been nibbled on by the little bliters. So i sigh i go for the crumpets..... only to discover they too have been munched on. A perfect tea time in ruins!!!

So as i stand there and have a well earned sulk, i notice from the back of the bread bin two little black eyes peering out at me - the little thief is still in the bread bin!!! I didn't quite know what to do - shout at it in righteous, cake stolen rage, or scream and run a mile, 'cause well its a mouse and they scare me!!
So i did a combination - of screaming, and slamming down the front of said bread bin in frustration and anger. That showed him!! Well not really - now i was in said kitchen with a mouse still able to eat my cake and crumpets in my bread bin. Oh the injustcie of it all!!! So my house mate (a welcome one) and i decide to take action - by taking the breadbin and emptying it out onto the street in the hope the mouse will follow. Its not my normal way of things, emptying out bread and crumpets onto an urban street, but thats how they do rubbish here in hackney, and it does in fact get removed, which is a tribute to our council!
ANyway - we troop downstairs, and onto our strret. With the bread bin open, i chuck the contents out. As i do so, the slide door thing on the bin slams down, and i disocver to my horror that the uninvited guest is left there dangling by his tail, trapped in the breadbin door!!! At this poiunt i scream in a oh this is just horrid sort of way, drop the bin and give a bit of a shudder. Thew mouse runs away round the corner - no doubt straight back into the house, and the whole street stops to stare at the white girl who is screaming at bread!

If i had any street cred it would be gone by now. i don't so im not worried!
since then no mouse has been seen - they have perhaps taken pity on me and decided not to tourment me any more. But they should know that it is now war - you eat my crumpets, and you cross a line!
in the words of winston churchill - we will fight them on the breadbins, we will fight them in the kitchen corners...

perhaps i'm taking this too far. maybe i just need to get out, of london that is!!! Am off to oxford this wekend to see good old friends from uni, can't wait. fresh air and fun... nice!
and it finally seems that spring has sprung - still cold, but now sunny and not that awful grey hanging everywhere!

2006-01-30T18:32:00.000Z

Anonimous amoung a heavy throng,
The forgotten and never seen
Theirs is the side street
Strewn with rubbish
Theirs the rotten park bench.

Not so the rich
With regents street
And oxford circus
Ever seen faces in venues plenty.

With two pennies between them
And a long walk home
Despair creeps in
Laying heavy hands
On stooping shoulders

Why hold a head high
When there is nothing to look for
Nothing coming on the horizon
Coppers are only found
At your feet

And even these tokens
Of light relief
Taste like gravel
In your parched mouth
They serve only as a reminder
Of your bitter position
The reality you facee
Of paving slab
And the frozen bites of wind

Light relief though
To those shedding weight
Of loose change and heavy conscience
Ever aware of your horrid state
They try to forget their own
throught world dulled senses

Paralysed by fear
And safe little cacoons
They limp past you
Expressing rigid helplessness
UNable to free themselves
From such binding comfort
They resist reaching out
Lest they come face to face
With themselves.

buses

2006-01-26T12:22:00.000Z

i love them... they never fail top surprise or entertain me. Yesterday some kids broke open a stink bomb just as they got off the bus, in rush hour, leaving the rest of us to breathe in slightly rotten air. SOme of us found it quite funny, but the more serious minded thought it v immature - thats right, but they are Kids!!!!

another one this week had a not nice pong from a slight puddle of baby vom. so everyone out and cram onto the next one! a few days ago though, at quite an early hour of the morning, one guy was left asleep by his friend... so no doubt ended by in watford or somewhere, rather than at home in his bed! But people tend to talk more at 2am then 2 pm..... funny that you can spend so many hours of your life with random people and never talk to them. seems a bit rude.... oh how we love the british reserve!!

learning to play the guitar, even wrote a song today... but now my fingers really hurt and i have had to stop. boo. but i am surprised i never did it before, feels like the most natural thing in the world for me to do.

found an amazing house just off brick lane (london equiv of curry mile) that we would love to make a bit of a community house.
so am currently dreaming lots. and dreaming bigger.....

2006-01-24T16:08:00.000Z

went to sleep last night and then woke up again this morning (usual i know) with the thought - dream bigger!!!

and so i shall....

a big lush, community, boiler, many roomed, huge kitchened house perhaps

a job, but bigger than i am seeing at the mo...

note to self - there are no limits to God, other than those we chose to put on Him!

this week...

2006-01-23T13:43:00.000Z

so its ben an interesting week....

last weekend was one long chill time with hatts inc a great film, good food and lots of laughs.
There was then the setting off of the fire alarm in the boiler - pork kebabs! This would have been ok if it wasn't for the office upstairs working, or the fire brigade NOT coming, till we called them saying "don't come", at which point they have to!! Oh dear. But they were lovely and, well fire men!!!! ohhh.

Met up with an good firned from Manchester - always good. Had a phone crisis, not good. only then for the Lord to interviene in His timing - always good. if not a touch confusing at times!

Friday night was contempary dance - not me i might add. I just watched the performance. Was v cool... esp the one about violence against women. v v powerful!
Saturday was chilling with g and c
sunday was more chilling with friends and then going home with a huge bunch of flowers - left overs from a party! They are lush.

In all this has been the on-going 'find a job, career, life thing'..... which has been hard and frustrating at times. But more importantly than that I know there is something about knowing me in Him which He is doing.... which is way more important for now. Everything else will no doubt follow - but what would be the point if it wasn't going to Glofiy Him? and someone once said I most Gloify God when He is most Alive in Me!

So i think i am just finding out what that actually means.....

Dreams and reality

2006-01-16T12:43:00.000Z

the dream - to somehow speak into global structures, in a constructive way, and call for justice....

the reality - there are mice in our house!!! oh and i live on a street called the murder mile (please don't tell my mum!)

so life is beginning to be filled with dreams. they are still quite shaky, and v out of focus but the are there none the less. now i just need to find a road to start to walk there....

London, other than its sky (perpetual grey), continues to give life in multi-colour and surround sound (not always good i might add!!). am loving finding the new creative side of me. well not new, just v well hidden. and really enjoying meeting new poeple and laughing v hard.
Job hunting continues
East london is v cool, although there is a real violence in the streets here (well in the spirit anyway) that i have not totally learnt to deal with yet. But at the same point i am beginning to see why..... the desperate poverty and harshness of reality here - not exactly the 1st world eutopia!!! But in the midst of it all generous community and pushing on through whatever.....

Its just such a contrast from the streets of Kensington and other such lovely places!! Not sure which one i prefer - maybe neither. maybe just something else.

But life is Good and am learning heaps at the mo....

currently reading - in Priase of Slow. v good.

Little presents

2006-01-10T13:49:00.000Z

Last night i was lying in bed and just trying to let my mind calm down from the days busy-ness, when i became aware that for some reason the main road next to my house became still and silent. So for the first time in days i just lay there listening to nothing, it was amazing, like taking a deep deep drink....

Been doing more exploring and getting lost and things recently. The city is quite amazing (in the shocking sense) at points, esp the square mile. the east side of the city sits next to the borough of tower hamlets. As we walked the boundry between the two i was just shocked at such a contrast - beautufil marble offices and expensive bollards next to tenaments, boarded up buildings and one of the poorest neighbourhoods in London. The richest square mile in the world next to the most deprived, urban dwellings to be found.

THis is the sort of stuff you expect to see in the middle east or the third world - but bobbins, we are meant to be one of the wealthiest nations on earth!! Someone, can't recall who but they were very good, once said that a measure of a nation is how they treat their poor. So we suck.
I have no idea how, but know that the poor is one of the main reasons i am here. but it is increasingly grabbing hold of my heart as i walk around.

oh and i am hopefully soon to start working for a cleaning company. Why climb a ladder when the people i want to meet can't even reach the bottom rung, but are stuck in the pit of minimum wage.

2006

2006-01-05T18:22:00.000Z

Happy 2006 everyone...... had a chilled new year in the hills. loved it, although the local killer cows did put me on edge a little. haha. can't quite work out if i am a townie (ie being scared of farm animals and struggling with large wooden gates), or a country girl (who crosses roads without looking and can't understand why so many people live so far from something green.)

perhaps i just belong in the subburbs.... arhggggg noooooo.

crashing on...

So been trying to think of top 5 of 2005, could think of a few

1. being in New York, they let me into the UN!!! how bonkers is that!
2. claire and george's wedding, tissues please.
3. the little kitchen in blair road with ben and drago

.... other than that i realised that the highlights of 2005 where not ness what i did or where i went, but the people i was with and the friendships that developed from it. So thanks heaps for being part of my journey, its been bonkers so far and i look forward to more craziness this year.

I am seriously happy at the mo but not entirely sure why. Hope has totally appeared in an unsurpressiable balloon inside me, bringing unexpected joy with it. Just realising that God totally loves me and that it brings total freedom. Am also excited about the open doors in London...

so i am seriously looking forward to 2006.
not much else to report. ALthough have discovered a new liking of ironing.....

Home at last

2005-12-26T14:22:00.000Z

so for the first time in 10 years my parents are home..... great! We gave them flowers and a great surprise party - much bubbly flowing, was wonderful. Christmas has been great - much food and hanging out with family before we all part ways again. well until 351 boxes arrive and we are summoned home to unpack! oh dear.

But it has been a wonderful old time - i have been on very long walks over green hills and finally it feels like the rush and chaos of london has left me to be replaced by the stillness i find here. Its like soaking a sponge, trying to get as much in as possible in the next week before i head back. But i have also been rereading narnia - everytime i do i see something different and love God more, its just really beautifully written yet powerfully simple. It also leaves me saying things like, golly gosh. and 'thats just beastly' haha....

But at points this time has been strange. I am aware that God really loves all the feasting and family and celebration, but is really mourned by the fact that few see the reality of what it is we celebrate. But i have Hope afresh and can't be down hearted too long.
Its also been strange because i catch myself in the mirror and suddenly don't recongnise the person looking back. I think its more than a new hair cut, i think this last 12 months, although hard, has changed me in ways that at the mo i just can't quite pin down. But i do really like them, the little hints and glimpses that i catch....
I am also more and more aware of what a beautiful and precious thing a relationship with Jesus is, or perhaps closer to the point - Him.

So like lovely Oz, who i miss heaps, i am also looking forward to 2006. I know it will be fuller, more different and unexpected than this last year and i can't wait. I don't know how, but it will - maybe its 2006, maybe i have got my eyes open further and am more willing to see it - or maybe both. Either way it smells good.

So Merry Christmas and all the unexpected things God can throw at you in a year, for 2006.......!!!!!

2005-12-14T16:32:00.000Z

got my stuff from manchester this weekend - happy days. my room is now my own, and even though i don't have huge buckets of stuff, the more personal touch can totally change a room!!

The dream wall is still under construction, but am looking forward to seeing it form. new wall, new year new dreams!!!! come on!!!

Am currently spending time at boiler. In true boiler style this involves much tea drinking, nattering and chilling out... oh and some prayer too. out for curry down brick lane tonight with random boiler people - much fun to be had.

other than that life is good. going home to the sea and hills of dorset on friday so am v excited. meeting parents at the airport - tissues at the ready.

Feels like i have been given a gentle intro to life in london before the new year and all that it holds in store. But loving london and all its london-ness......

nothing else to report.
wanting snow.

its a bit rough, but my thoughts for today

2005-12-06T19:49:00.000Z

The bus drives past
I count my change
Not a ride or a sandwich
For 27p, not a crumb
And so I stow it
And plod on

My feet ache
The sreet continues
Buses fly past
Houses stand tall
Warm and smug

Other days i have sat
On bus tall
Or cafe warm
To turn to see a walker
Plodding ever on
Or sitting, exhausted
With blankets wrapped around
Sodden, dirty.

Pity rose, compassion flooded
The gangle of coins
Yet warm, dry and moving
I continued
On my speedy way
Not so them.

Now however I am one
Little keeps me from that fate
Only faith andpatient Grace.
We are the same
Only flesh and bones
Yet simple paper and coins
Changes everything

PLatforms are made,
To distinguish or remove
Some from the biting reality
Of an empty purse
And sore feet
Humanity at its most human
Yet most hidden
But why hide
Who we truely are
Naked, shivering and broke
Only then can we not
Hide who He
Truely is.

reality bites

2005-12-06T19:27:00.000Z

so been here just over 2 weeks and it is starting to hit me a bit. So many people. bobins!!! Its like walking down market st in manchester, on a saturday, all the time!!!!

Hackney has character, quite the same feel as heald place - ghetto one might say. but its good, i love the feel of it.
Am currently sat in the boiler after having a fun time with jude and george. It seems that crazy boiler ideas are being sent from heaven to all 3 of us, seperately. fun. so we shall see where it goes, but there is space for me to do some stuff here, help out.

Missing manchester a lot today. being able to see people with ease, walk places with ease as opposed to walking for miles. cozy places. my room is not quite yet my own, need to get my stuff from manchester.

Learning lots about the poor at the mo, and what it means to be on the other side of the city. not the side seen on the postcard. the hidden side. Just really impacting me, mainly because i have about 27p. Am really peaceful about it, but know that there are somethings you can't learn or see or feel when you have a bus fare or food for a coffee.

So there are many more challenges but in a really good amazing way. God is being super as normal (a great english word that, super). Life feels colourful and hidden but growing all at the same time. Not found a green place in hackney, but the suggestion of churches sounds good - thanks, (although i don't actually recogn who you are...)

oh and congrats to paul and penny for the arrival of Lucy Hope. beautiful.

london

2005-12-01T09:58:00.000Z

so i am here at last......

its good. am enjoying the change, but it is so big i can't seem to get my head round it fully. so many people, so many faces...... can get a bit much. but there is a v cool vibe, and i love it.

am staying in pimlico for the next few days before i move into a new house in hackney. been to camden town - love it. seems to be a totally bonkers place where people from all over the world just come and do their thing.

am not making much sense, but it is 10 am and i am having to rush. soz.

but am learning to get about, even without the use of my a-z. well done me! trying to find still or even vaguely quiet places here is clearly my challenge for the next wee while. or finding something green and living.... the city parks and i are already becoming firm friends!!

Have met Jude, who runs the city boiler - what a raondom but great idea. a boiler room on the edge of the square mile!! Hoping to help out there..... even though it is a v hard place to buy milk and bread on a sunday!! (have tried, the only thing open is McD's)

Saw the constant gardner last night - a v good movie in every way i can imagine! Great acting, photography - all good. but made me realsie how much i love africa and long for it to be free.....

anyway time is short so must dash. hope some of the above makes sense....

Its beautiful here, but freezing!!!!!

2005-11-20T14:14:00.000Z

It's high noon
As the far sun
Barely streaches over rooftops,
Causing long winter shadows.

Grey skies
Interupted with flash
And springs of colour
As trees,
In autumn splendor
Shake off last year
In hope of greater things.

In nakedness they stand
Tall and proud
Disregarding such mortal offspring
Which, like pages of time
Fall, one by one.
Their final act.
From treetop heights,
Withstanding gale and rain,
To gentle descent
Amoung comrades,

Where they become
Canvas to frosty
Morning dew,
Outlining their delicate frame.

Birds, their waters transfixed
By winters sudden arrival,
Skate over watery depths
As icey creaks
Join bird song.

Coming here
As leaves fall
And frost nips
Calls to remembrance
Times steady passing,
Whiich all our innovation
Cannot cease.

And so we pause,
Soaking up nature's wealth,
In the hope
That we too
Could be so effortlessly sublime.

holiness?

2005-11-19T15:19:00.000Z

been reading a book called "The challenge of Jesus". I may have mentioned it before because I am loving reading it. In it the author, Tom Wright, discussing, amoung other things, the fact that Jesus was totally subversive (i think thats the right word for it) in everything He did. Always challenging the status quo. But in both obvious and really sublte ways that would only make sense if you were a first century Jew living under occupation.

As a bunch of friends who want more of God, we have been thinking about consecration and holiness. So there has been prayer and talking and challenge. All good. But what does holiness mean in this culture?

In Jesus' time the Pharisees thought they had holiness down to a T - all the outward signs said they had. So in todays day and age it would look like a bunch of people not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, sleeping around and defo staying away from non Christians - ie 'sinners'.

But Jesus came along and asked for a holiness which was not like that. He asked us to get in with the sinners and remember mercy and love - which clearly the P's had totally forgotten. But Jesus also challenged, not only the religous culture of the day, but also the regime of the day - the Romans.

What is the regime of today? What are we, the general people (not just the church, but that too) being opprressed by. What is it that is dominating the way we think, talk and live. What is it that is imposing its ideas about life, culture and civilisation on us. What gods are we being forced to worship and what ceasars do we have to bow to??

I am beginning to realise that there are all the really obvious ones - materialism, wealth and celebrity. These were also around at the time of Jesus - and are signs of an empire just about to decline (so say historians). But what about the more sublte ones - the ones which are bigger than us and our cities. The ones that are so big that they streach across countries and continents...

Because if i am to be consecrated to God, I want to be aware of them, challenge them and hopfully in the process, allow others to get free of them to.

I realised that when I first came to Manchester i was introduced to this whole idea through friends and things like Adbusters. But for some reason it just fell of my mental map. I can't work out if it was me being lazy or if it was a lack of space for it in life and relationships in general. But i want to carve out that space again, learn how to live this life out of a heart of love for God and people, not one of militancy (as seen in the anarchists) and destruction.

Holiness can't just be internal, it must have manifestations in my everyday life that reveals to people that I do not serve the same god or system. That I am free from it.

All this would be much easier if I lived in a cave. Or not.... 1)i would be on my billy tod, so making no impact, just more of a statement to people who once knew me. 2)i guess much of this stuff is just residing in my mind through mindsets and ideas. So i could be in a cave, but still servant to someting other than God.

all this was inspired, along with other things, by a quick trip to the Howies clothing web page (www.howies.co.uk). I want to discover holiness that liberates and revolutionises continents.

So should be pretty straight forward then...... haha

Notes

2005-11-12T16:29:00.000Z

I was shopping in boots recently while trying to buy shower gel. Not complicated I know. So i picked up one bottle and, wanting to have a quick smell, i gave the bottle a v gentle squeeze, at which point a huge blob came out and splattered me on the nose, and then down my jacket...... i could feel the lady behind the cash desk giggling at me. So trying to recompose myself I realise i have no tissue and have to try to clean myself by other means.

so in the ensuing flurry, trying to maintain any last trace of respect, I choose a different type of shower gel and go to a different cash desk. So imagine my continued embarressment when using the newly purchased shower gel, i step out of the shower surprised by the pong of alpine-toilet duck aromas.......Not good.

Green "refresh" radox - false advertising if there ever was!!!!

Also a new helpful hint - storing tea bags of any desctription (esp Mint ones) above the kitchen sink is a receipe for a soggy disaster!

Other random things worthy of note from this week
- I have discovered quite a wide selection of hankies in my undies draw. Anyone who even thinks about a lifestyle of prayer should have one or be sponsered by Kleenex!! I have Santa and my Dad to thank.....
- why would anyone have 5 bra straps? Not even connnected to bras, just the straps. and 5 (a disconcerting number for such things). Well me - the secrets of my undies draw laid bare..... weird i say!

- also found an undeveloped film from goodness know when - so am looking forward to seeing the pics.
- was in Liverpools boiler room this weekend. Well I say boiler room. Its more rooms, or complex even. One could go so far as to say a hotel that just happened to enjoy praying people coming to stay. Us manchester people came a touch over prepared - many layers of clothing and sleeping bags. They have beds and heating!!!

Its a boiler - but not as we know it!! So we had much fun and tea, hopefully even the dead batteries got started.

As for manchester - could it be dreamers are dreaming again?

As for me - I'm still here.

congrats

2005-11-08T23:04:00.000Z

realsied on bonfire night that i was not here in Manchester last year... took me a while to work out why. But i was in Greece chilling out at Resa and Krister's wedding. Congrats on your first year.

Also congrats to tony drago who as of tomorrow is 25!!!! oh my, happy birthday beautiful

yup, still in manchester. and i forgot just how much it rains here. it really does.

But since i last wrote i have realised i have been pushing out of old manchester boxes and looking for a new space. (a bit like the slightly overused catapiller - butterfly analogy). so its been hard, but feel like maybe something is shifting. The boxes you're in never feel small till you try to get out.

Also feel challenged to let go of the good i know of God in order to recieve the best. Exciting but am finding it hard, mainly down to lack of trust that He will give me the best rather than just leave me empty handed. But i am realising the way he fills our hands isn't ness what or how we would have guessed.
sneeky, but good.

oh and sorry for all the typos in the last entry. dyslexic typing.....

2005-11-05T19:59:00.000Z

I am trying to leave, honest! It just seems that i often pick dates which clash with the almighty's calender. And I defo don't want to be doing that.

So after a week of getting a tad frustrated in the effort of pushing against His hands, I then realsied what on earth I was doing, decided against it and chilled out.

Now feeling much more peaceful. As anna h said - just wait for the green man!!

so sometime in the next wee while i shall be off - but am no longer rushing or pushing. Just sat here as the night sky is lit with pops and colours and things. off for fire and food soon......

happy days

for all the sun babies

2005-11-01T23:28:00.000Z

this post is lovingly dedicated to all my friends who moan about the cold wet british winter when africa or a small tropical island is much more suitable!!!!

In the Observer mag this sat one of the columns was talking about "reverse SADo's" - ie people who LOVE the winter.

The writer in question (Barbara Ellen) is taling about the change of season from summer to autumn

"now, though, things are v different - the world is so beautiful it takes your breathe away. Leaves falling from the trees, puddles as permenant fixtures, fresh chilly mornings, face slapping breezes, lots of excuses to wear coats, boots and plum red scarfs........And, day or night you can walk around without worrying that the heat is going to melt the nose straight off your face! (at this point i wondered if she had a real nose!)

But i still agree - i love the heat, but there is something about winter. Lying in bed with ONE toe (big one on left foot) freezing cold, air so cold inside your nose hurts, getting up while its dark, being inside when its dark in big jumpers with hot tea, going out in said coat and scarf, only to find that the sun comes out, you roast alive and arrive at destination looking hot and bothered - not fresh and wind swept as hoped!!!

So not so much that last one.... but still i love it.

This time of year also brings about a Watson tradition - Bonfire treacle toffee!!! I got a huge bag full of it this morning. Thanks mum (there go my teeth!)

So to all my frineds all over the planet, just to say i hope you are loving the sun. I am loving the cold and not at all jealous (well, not much haha).

Who said chivalry?

2005-10-30T11:21:00.000Z

Before anyone decides to start rumours about me (HDC) i thought i would step in with my quote of the week....

" I have a real thing about men " - which taken out of context could be a bit tricky!!!!

What i actually meant by the above is I have a real thing about men being Men. I am not even sure what that means or looks like. But I do get frustrated when I see guys being prevented from (or in some cases just not bothering) being the Men they are meant to be.

Last week I had a really good conversation in which a friend and i discussed the old fashioned notion of 'chivalry' - does it still apply in our post modern, empowered women world?? Do we want men to treat us well, opening doors, paying for drinks, buying us roses etc..... or do we want to be seen as equals with them, splitting everything by half and stuffing old traditions as crushing to the "weaker sex".

Tricky..... I don't know any woman who wants to be seen as weak, but then again i don't know many who don't like being treated really nicely, treated like they are worth something to the guy in question.
I think a whole lot of good came out of feminism (i say at this point that i know v little about the movement so may have picked up the wrong end of the stick!!), we got to vote, equal pay and rights which expanded our world to go beyond the school run and the kitchen. We have so many things that so many women in the world do not have - and that is something i am really grateful for.

But did it maybe go a bit too far?? Did we, in saying that we can do anything a man can, make men a bit redundant. Or at least feel like they are easily expendable - who needs a man when we can multi-task to such an incredible degree? Perhaps that is why so few men feel empowered to be who they really are - either there is no space for them to do that (due to multi-tasking, all powerful woman in their lives) or that even if they did try, a woman would come and do it anyway, so why bother!!

So somehow I want to encourage the men in my life (Dad, brothers, in Christ) to be all they can. Does that mean me being weak? the damsel in distress looking for a knight to come and save me - only from the dishes!! No. well not totoally i don't think.

I think it means recognising that neither me or the men, can be all we are meant to be without the other sex. We both need to partner, together, to get to the end. That means me trusting him, and not taking control, while he values what I have to bring to the partnership and allowing our gifts to compliment each other.

That will look so different in every relationship, friendship etc - but its defo something i am out to encourage in those i have the privaledge to be in.....This is defo not new thoughts, but just thought i would share mine. although the above is not complete or fixed. am open to suggestions!

Other exciting news includes I got a new camera bag (for xmas). Its Crumpler and ruby red..... it makes me smile a whole lot. It has v useful but ingenious pockets and velcro in all the right places. Has given me a great level of satisfaction. Thanks cate for leading the way!!! (and yes i probably need to get out more if i get so giddy about a camera bag. but i think cate will understand!)

Next week - packing and london........

my new motto - be realistic. Demand the impossible.

London seems like a good place to start living that one out!

2005-10-23T12:02:00.000+01:00

moss side is strangely beautiful at 7 in the morning when the sun is only just starting to rise behind the clouds. It makes the sky a funny blue purple colour which somehow sits well with the bright orange street lights. everyone is asleep save for a baby crying, and two kids on bikes going down the middle of the road. why not - its empty!!!!

Its really peaceful and the birds are starting to twitter - its almost like its not moss side or something.

You know weekends are good when you see faveorite people, chill out in lovely ways (like reading in trof when surrounded by friends, noise and drinking a great hot chocolate), and then stay up half the night nattering about everything under the sun and drinking lots of t.

I have been trying to find a new winter coat - to no avail. They ar either grey and black (boring and far too london) or not really coats at all, not much thicker than a summer coat. boo.

but i did find a great bottle green one - thinking on that one. A friend of mine has some great winter coats though, perhaps i should ask her.

Mum is flying over this week to do the christmas shopping - she's the most organised santa i have ever known, sometimes she starts in febuary.
More exciting than christmas shopping and the christmas market here (which i will miss, boo!) - my parents are returning to LIVE, in britain, after 10 long years in the desert. (now come on - there must be a prophetic word in there somewhere - how much biblical imagery does one need!!! they are even coming back from Egypt!)

I am v excited for them - they get to do normal things and remain in the same place for years on end, not needing to jump on a plane. Trust me - it can get reaaaally boring!!! So this christmas we will have even more reason to celebrate and eat lots of amazing mum food for days on end!!!! not only that but we will be in the hills and by the sea - oh my.

2005-10-18T22:01:00.000+01:00

welcome to the newly updated blog..... the orange stripe had it coming!

new city, new season..... new blog.

almost finished....

2005-10-18T21:11:00.000+01:00

my time here in manchester. phew i hear some of you say. me too. I have been talking of leaving for about 6 months, so its good to finally see the door out.
Am off to london in pilgrim style. back pack on back and a place to stay for a few weeks. no "proper job" (whatever that is) and a few pounds. i can't wait. it feels like the adventure has been a little static these last 12 months, so am looking forward to being more mobile.

the leaves are b-e-a-utiful at the mo.
I have discovered that canadian geese are not the brightest birds in the sky . yesterday while in a cleaning frezy in the local pond one decided to do the head down - bum up pose, only to tip a bit too far and end up on his back, legs flapping and all!!!!! He quickly righted himself only then to fly around swarking at the seaguls in an embarressed, i've just ruined my rep sort of way. defo kept me chuckling.

also reminded me of another type of canadian, prone to random acts of silliness, like putting knickers in the deep freezer! miss u lots - bring on the harley!

Having seen so many friends leave here, it feels a bit late to do the "last things to do in the city" thing, but I am enjoying seeing manchester with fresh eyes - taking notice of the little things which for the past 2 years i have walked past. But moe than that, I have realised more and more what an amazing bunch of people i have known here.
Every time i go to the park i find myself talking to strangers, who are generally lonely and just looking for a bit of company. But in my time here i have been really fortunate to have people about, who although did not always get me, at least wanted to try.

Soon however i will join the "they used to live here" group, who seem splattered all over the world. I look forward to that, but for now i'm really thankful that i live here.

Running nowhere

2005-09-26T19:40:00.000+01:00

Today i tried running, really hard from God. Only to find He is obviously there at the otherside of my little sprint - because he is that big!!

Its not even that I meant to, or tired to but, as He showed me later, I so seriously scared and thought that Scotland would be a good place to try and hide from it. Nice try!!!

So, for now I am not going anywhere - why pay the money when He wants me here in the first place!!

But its all really good actually. He is v cool - showing me that I was running and stopping me from ensuing dash, because it was not right, and because He loves me. Thanks.

So Blair road it is - but I do love it so thats ok. The leaves have started falling and its turned a bit cold and grey - one of my faveorite times of year.

Also today I met this great Irish man by the name of Jerimiah Oliver O'Brian (Job for short). We sat and spoke for a good hour, while he sang me songs and made up poetry about flowers and trees and things. He was not a drunk, although it took me a while to realise. So we laughed and had a good time. He told me some fun things about God and informed me that to improve poetry I need to try rhyming and read the psalms!

So i shall endevour to read more of the psalms qwith my poems in mind.

I would also like to welcome Sally W to the page - her blog (to the right) is so v funny, if you're having a bad day go there!!!

N.B.

2005-09-23T23:56:00.000+01:00

I love blogs, they make me laugh after a pooey week.

stops me taking myself too seriously.

think i need to think about the title of this blog..... simplicity.

not confusion.

huh.

No 2 - cars

2005-09-23T23:41:00.000+01:00

So the second of these revelations (as you can see, its been a busy week)

He showed me that all this time, ie the last 18 months or so, He has been removing my engine from within me. (nice)

basically it goes like this - beforehand i was driven and motivated by fears, doubt and serious levels of insercurity, so that even when i was doing 'good' stuff, for God, it was all for the wrong reasons. I am a big believer in ghandi and MLKjr and their thoughts on the means being just as importany as the end reached. Therefore if the means, ie the fears etc, were naff, then the ends were not so great.

i hope that made a little sense!

anyway, back to cars. so He has systematically taken away my previous engine of the above fears etc, and left a hole, mentioned previously,in which one would hope He is going to place a better, God sort of engine, probably focused on Love.

So that is how things are currently - although i freely admit that with all this time on my hands to think, the above my change/develop or otherwise not fit with my life at the next blog!

Sorry for any ensuing confusion. Such is my life. But I am trying to learn to trust, not in what I know but In God.

.... cause He is good, and I have no engine!

No 1 - helpless but hopeful

2005-09-23T23:27:00.000+01:00

this week has been a bit of a weird one - crashing from being fine to grumpy and shouting, to crying to rejoicing.

Feel a little messed up.

Am bored of waiting and as such a little frustrated.
My head hurts from too much thinking

But two interesting revelations i thought i would share.

in the mess that was my head this week, i thought i would stuff all this and go and save the world! (go me!). But then i realised that people were already trying that and failing so why should i bother. and even if i wanted to i couldn't without God, or even know where to begin for that matter. phew

At which point God pipes up informing me that He can save the world, so I don't need to try. Then it hit me. I have nothing to offer Him at all. nothing that he can't do already, and probably much better.

man that sucks - when we like to think we are good people by what we can offer others. there is nothing to offer here that he has not given.
Instead, i realised, that all He is asking for is this cracked, and slightly confused, shell into which and through which He might choose to pour some of His spirit which could then help to bring in the Kingdom. but only if He wanted to. Not even essential. He could do it without me.

pants.

why on earth am i here?

I guess at this point i should jump up and say "to worship Him", and that is true and i totally believe it and love it. I just figured it would be through what i do rather than not.
tricky... and yet in that helpless place before Him, when you have nothing but to plead mercy, Hope rises from the ashes.

Things can only get better from here!! If there is something empty - He (i say this tentitavely) may fill it with Joy and Love and His fab Spirit, who I love!

tissues please

2005-09-19T23:17:00.000+01:00

so the wedding - was LUSH!!!! absolutely perfect in so many different ways. below are but a few -

a great couple, who i love dearly ( i don't use that word enough i just realised). Both of them looked great.
fab friends and therefore many laughs and much wine
great food, including a chocolate fountain thing (going on my christmas list!!)
random meeting with a girl i went to school with
great music and bad dancing (the latter by yours truely!!)
much crying (joy and wonder at God) BUT no running eye makeup (10 points to me!!)

oh and i got to wear lovely clothes and a hat - go figure for the girl who is rarely seen out of a pair of jeans!!

So was fab, really felt like the last year has been so worth it for those guys. It reminded me that actually He has got it all covered even when we don't believe it.

And Hope was rekindled.....

nice.

New York etc

2005-09-16T20:44:00.000+01:00

so the last few days have beena little mental but really fun.

So New York.....

is mostly BIG. the only descriptive word i could find for it for 2 days. But i really love it and was surprised that i even really loved the people. Americans don't seem quite so, you know, American when they are on home Turf. Me, I was an english person in New York, and i knew it!!!

Observations include
- clearly in the 80's the city decided to print lots of postcards, so many in fact they have lasted 25 years, so there is not a nice postcard in the city!! sorry for anyone hoping for one but i could not force myself to buy one!

- the road system is so easy, i did not get lost once (except inside the UN and that is a warren!). why did we not think of it - mainly because we have been going for much much longer!!

- strangely I much prefer the american muffins sold in the uk, than those sold in america, just nicer really. as to whether they are still american if there are here - well tricky!

So anyway, i loved it. The UN was big and full of people trying very hard, in very tricky places, to save the world. I felt so inspired just listening to some of their stories, amazing. But at the same time you look at this huge machine, which is the UN, full of people who want things to be better, but they are totally resticted and limited by the machine and the people who control it. It sucks!

But hey, my thought is that if people are as determined as say Ghandi or Martin Luther King, Jnr, to see a change - then it will happen. and it really felt like there is just this huge ground swell, this masss people movement rising up and saying NO MORE - about a lot of things, but esp about the third world and war etc.

So, lots to chew over, but v inspiring. Oh and if you ever have the chance to meet, hear, or share the same room as Whaoo Karaa from Kenya, then do. She rocks. She does lots of saving the planet stuff and is being nominated for the nobel peace prize this year. A great woman african leader of our time!!

Since the business of the US I returned to apprecaite silence - a city that never sleeps is never silent - and clean clothes. the laundry done, I headed down to Bath for a fun hen night with 6 courses at dinner!!! oh my. Tomorrow i have to squeeze into a dress (6 courses and american waffles do not help) for one of the weddings i have looked forward to most - claire and george. I love them i think they are great!!!

Tomorrow will be much fun, but for now i am drinking wine and chilling out quietly before many people arrive at Anna H's house in the shire, at which point I am likely to get just a little to giddy and need to calm down before i try and sleep!
ohhh i just can't wait this part of the country with this collection of people at this occasion... oh my i just don't know if i can handle it all!!!

this is what life is about, NYC... well that was just a trip. but friends and fun times, much more important!

2005-09-05T12:18:00.000+01:00

just when you can last no longer, in God steps with a big dollop of peace with understanding in there somewhere.

So just had a great week with family in cornwall, helping prep for a wedding. Really felt like it was how things are meant to be like, everyone mucking in, making bunting (iam now an expert!) and having tea on the lawn with a marque, before a great bash under the stars atfter a teary wedding.

Am now back in London about to go to the airport to fly to New York (first time to states, whopeee). Last night I didn't really have enough money to go to pay for accomodation and food etc, but had just knew I was meant to be going. So this morning after a snotty (On my part i might add)encounter with The Lord, I had understanding as to why I found myself in this situation, and what the outcome would be... obviously there is a happy ending, because He is good like that!!

And now i look back and think, why on earth did i end up in such a pickle in the first place when part of me knew that He was going to do his thing anyway!!

Last week I also had a great chat with an old friend and have just been chewing it over since. the bit in Matt. where Jesus says look for the Kingdom and all the rest will come to you.... I have only just found that after 2 years of living by faith! Doh!!!

So NYC bekons, and i can't wait 'cause its going to be hot and fun and a little bonkers in there at the same time.
have to dash only 1 min left....
xx

yeppies

2005-08-18T15:44:00.000+01:00

.... young expermineting perfection seekers who do not collect worldly good but as many experiances as possible.

I read an article about the above section of society, a bunch of people who choose not to run the rat race, but rather travel and do random jobs in different destinations in order to seek out that "thing" which will make their life.
Some of the stories were depressing to say the least; people who for example, DJ in all the best places all over the world til they are forty. They then get scared, come home only to find they have no property, career and a mountain of debt..... and end their life wondering where it went.

The article was defo written as a warning to those contemplating finding "happiness/ success" outside of the normal framework of house, job, family....

As i started to read the article i identified strongly with the yeppie group - mainly because i am not too fussed by belongings and don't ness suit a 9 - 5.
The yeppies are onto something - because happiness is not found in the normal patterns of the world. This is obvious from the sheer number of people on anti-depressants at the mo. Something has been missed out somewhere.

But as i read on i was struck by the equally empty yeppie lives. They went from one destination/relationship/job to another in fear that they were possibly missing the best that was out there, during which time the best of life just passed them by as they were enslaved by fear.

I was briefly scared that my life would end up like that, with people shaking their heads at me wondering where it had all been wasted. But then I realised you can be in any lifestyle and be desperately unhappy or looking for something yet still enslaved by fear (of missing out or stepping out).

Its not about what we do, because clearly you can be happy with a job, house and car, or fishing off the coast of brazil. But it is about knowing who we are, and where we belong. Then there is peace and assurance to step out or remain still, knowing that some parts of who you are, the important bits, are unchangable and secure.

At which point there is freedom to 'love God and do what you want' (st Augustine of Hippo), knowing that by loving Him, His Kingdom will come.
Nice.

Home, unexpectedly

2005-08-10T16:33:00.000+01:00

Just got back from a week up north, in Shetland, my childhood home. I was at a conference ( not my normal style but still....)and met lots of really fun people who are as bonkers as me. Its always fun to find comrades in this journey of ours!

Being back there though was a bit weird, as its the first time I have been back and walking with God..... and boy did He have lots to say on the matter! But it was all good, and it was a pleasure to find that actually a bit of me does come from Shetland. You can't spend 8 years in a place and not be impacted by it! So finding that part of me and claiming it back, rather than denying it and resisting it was defo the biggest battle.

But once I had it sorted, things in me just seemed to make much more sense, both the good and the bad. I guess now is a journey of putting down the bad stuff and wiping clean the good.
What i had not expected however, was for Shetland to be added to the equation which is my future. Suddenly I had another unknown constant to take into account... not in a complicated way, just a little surpirsed! It defo did feel more like home by the end of the week, which is good considering i think i will be up there again.

The future, however close, remains strictly off limits for me and God at the mo.... a new juoorney of trust i guess. Blind until He lets it be otherwise. But I am enjoying my response to that - not total panic, but a supernatural peace.

That seems to be a theme with me and God at the moment; me being surprised by my response to new situations, where 2 years ago it would have been quite diferent. Clearly not a wasted time after all!!

So I am looking forward to the next two years being even more bonkers than the last two - bring it on!!!