An invitiation

Come to him

When you are ugly,
Broken and messy.
Without cover up or make up.
Head down, hair down
Undone

With your rage
Hidden under a small stone heart
Or erupting in volcanic flashes

With your failed perfectionism
and messy failures
With your corrosive addictions and compulsions
With loathing and frustration
With your inability to be
Even vaguely who you hope to be.

Don't try to tame your dangerous dislike
Of who you think you are
Or make yourself who you think you should be.

Bring your need to be known
Your longing for approval
Your disbelief with love
Bring your selfish hope
And small dreams.
Bring your guilt laden religion
and lack of faith.

He's not asking you to be perfect
He's inviting you to come.

Be loved.

you'll never know until you try....

why are you so elusive?
why do you want to pin me down?
why are you so messy?
why are there so many boxes?

is there an answer
or is it all shades of grey?
is this chaos
or merely beautiful fractals?

have you got me
shall we run
the road seems hidden
or is it just undiscovered?

fear is overpowering
and cramping my style
but freedom seems terrifying
yet so dangerously attractive

can i step out?
what's holding us back?
things in my head.
exactly.

I can't believe this is my first '09 blog. Gosh - where is the year going??

Following the theme of my previous post, I've been thinking about Big Vision vs daily living....

Although it's relatively easy for me to have an idea, a big vision to chase and dream about, I'm realising the character building challenge is to consistently do the small things.

It's exciting to have a big idea to talk about, a dream to sketch out and embellish. But it draws me away from here, from now and from the people around me. It is here, now, that Jesus has put me and here that he wants to meet me.
To do the dirty dishes day after day, to remember people's birthdays and find Jesus in the commute is no small task (esp on the tube or london traffic). Its the challenge for it not to be about my vision, but about His Family, His Kingdom.

So I thought I would make a list of things/values/practices that I would aim to do consistently whenever, wherever I happen to be. Two that leap to mind are hospitality and creativity - not too hard I thought, surely I can do that. Perhaps my list should be longer??

But then I went into the kitchen, to dirty dishes and two people round for dinner. and I was grumpy, fed up with community living and all out of patience.

Suddenly it's not so easy.

and I haven't had a creative thought, brush stroke or guitar cord in ages......

So maybe I'll just start with those two and patiently allow patience grow in the shadow of His love and grace.
and the Big Vision.? Well, I haven't given it up, but I'll entrust it to His Big Hands. It seems my little hands are full for now.

I have a vision, alteration

I had a vision

It was a big one, it covered continents and would last a lifetime. At its center was a longing to do what was right; to help the poor and marginalized and to be a radical peace maker, to be about Kingdom business and not church busy-ness, to bypass the normal and walk along the roads less travelled, to reject mediocrity and embrace the radical Jesus I met nine years ago.

However I was recently shocked to discover that for me it was all based on a rocky foundation. One of striving, of proving my love to God, of earning his acceptance, of letting him know how much i would do for him. But also of assuming to know what that meant, what it might look like, to serve him and love him. Obviously it meant doing BIG things for him

On return from Ch. that was all undone. The idols of what I could do for God had to go.

He wanted to be my vision. He wants to fill my line of sight, so that all I see is Him.


I may, or may not, go and do all of the above. I hope to live them for sure. But it may well be in the small and unseen ways of just living life as an ordinary radical, resting in His love.

If he calls me away, it will be as friends, not as the master shouting at the striving servant. If he doesn't call, then I will have lost nothing, but gained him.
So as i staple the 100th booklet of carols together and wonder what it is all about I remember not what I can do for God, but what he has done for me. For now, that's enough.

Something I heard recently...

"Deconstructionism.

Its destruction(ism) with a con at its centre."

Discuss.
Wha'dya think.....

I would rather be a nobody, living nowhere special, doing a nothing job and know His love, than go to some far flung place to do some big ass thing and know nothing.

trains

I feel like I am sat on a train which is passing by a fence or forest or something. It causes the light to flash if its a sunny day - from overwhelmingly bright to deep gloomy grey, all of a sudden. In and out, light and dark.

Thats how I'm feeling. Either feeling fine and cheery, as per the past few months, or really not. Its disorientating, exhausting and I don't know where I am half the time. Its has also led to what some might see as a productive cleaning streak. Its true, I have cleaned a lot, my hands now stink of bleach and the house is cleaner than it has been in decades (who knew that dust could sit on walls?). But it has been more of a manic, must keep busy, type action than a determined effort to be domestic.

And so the trouble comes when I sit still, when thoughts collide in my head and sprinkle shrapnel over my heart.
I'm hoping its just a being bored, end of august thing.

I'm hoping the train stops soon, its hurting my head.