have you ever tried to describe water to a man living in a desert?

or light to a person born blind?

Whatever words you use, you can't fully describe what it is like; that first drop as it splashes on the lips; the first ray to illunimate the world.

thats what it felt like when people tried to describe Joy to me, and i think the same applies to the journey I am taking with knowing God's unconditional Love for me. Not there yet, but the clouds are brewing.

But its not just people struggling to communicate but God too. He does his best, with creation, Jesus' life and death and all that is entailed in that beautiful love story, with friends and family...

But our minds are so darkened, we really do see through a mirror darkly. He is trying to communicate his very essence, in all its freedom, beauty and simplicity, and yet we just don't get it. even when we do, and want to share it, it gets lost in translation between hearts and minds.

How his heart must break as we fumble around in the dark, clueless to it all.

I am staggered at his patience. And amazed at my inability to communicate the little specks of light that i have seen, to those i love most.

efforts seem to be like the dust, floating in the rays of light sneaking through the cracks.

and then I realise i don't really know how to love.

Not like Him.

Keep showing us Jesus, we need your help.

hello 2007!!!

sorry its been a while but what with the 'tinternet down and lots of running round, i only just got the chance.

generally v much looking forward to this coming year - one of fun, rest, vision and enjoying having a wage....

and so far i have seen much of the above. I went shopping - for clothes, real clothes that i chose and like with no holes and in a style that i like. lush!!!!

i have also been to the ballet - the male version of swan lake at sadlers wells in london. totally amazing. never seen a ballet before, but it was beautiful - the combo between the music and the visual dancing/movement thing - great!!!

so I look to 2007 with hopes and an increasing sense of joy. It feels blank, but not in a bad way, in a surprise me, sort of fashion.

I think my reflection of 2006 could be "failure is an under-rated success".

So many times in the last year i have felt like i failed, falling flat on my face.

But failed in what - generally nothing other than my own high expectations, or one i falsely think other people have. Even if they did - should i be that worried abouot them??

For me, my "failure" helped me see where my aim was not Jesus, or my expectations wrong. It also helped me realise, its not fatal.... if anything i know more now then i did then.

And in London we do a good job of defining people by their successes or failures - i don't want to see things that way. But if i have to be seen that way then maybe it should be as someone who did fail and fall, but was forever trying to get back up.

I also realised Jesus never sees failure the way we do..... when Lazurus was dead in his grave - Mary and martha saw it as failure and massive dissapointment, Jesus saw it as opportunity.

When people saw the cross they saw failure, even Peter. But now we see eternal Hope.

funny old world.
Nice to be in you 2007. sorry for the belated welcome... xxx

finger tips only

i have a picture that used to be on my dream wall. it was of a man free climbing (ie no ropes and helmets etc), hanging by his hands from a overhang, legs swinging in the air. I really like the picture; the look of the the challenge, the seemingly insane activity and the remoteness of his success.

On reflection, a silly thing to pin on a wall where pictures are like prayers.

I took it down a few weeks ago after realising it described my situation with God quite well - ie barely holding on by my fingertips.
Now though, thankfully, it seems like i made it up and over.... am lying on the top of the rockface, panting for breath as my arm muscles scream at me and my legs wobble.

But the bit that surprises me most - is the exhiliration i feel having got this far! I would expect to feel it in real life, after something so challenging, but it seems silly to feel it when describing my 'journey'.

But i really do.

I think the last few weeks have happened by grace alone. Jesus asked me to walk down a previsouly unwalked path, named 'Doubt, Disbelief and Dissapointment', which had previsouly been out of bounds due to fear of never returning.
So with much trembling and not much of a clue, off i wandered to face some of the above.... hence why i ended up, what felt like, just hanging on.

yet here i am - surprised because at the end of it all I still want to know Jesus as my Friend and Lord. There were parts when i didn't at all - and thats why so much of it was by grace. I didn't get me here. it wasn't my arm muscles that lifted me up, but God's grace. I wasn't able to face those fears and overcome them, without some divine hope of something bigger, something more to live for, rather than just being trapped by all the above.

Its not even that I have answered all the questions or doubts, but i know i have walked to the edge i feared to see and God has not let me go. I have faced the cliff face and he has kept me safe, even when it felt he had left me alone.

Part of me, as ever, in such a moment of exhiliration after sheer terror, shouts "let's do it again, again!!". while the rest of me wants to just sit here and take in the view. But at least now i know there is a view to be had, that it wasn't mindless struggle for nothing.

and more importantly i know He carried me and is truely faithful.

Pink house festivities

the turkey is cooked,
its only 11 am
the bread sauce is burnt
and the cranberry jelly is done

but the sproats are pilled high
(URG)
and potatoes are going soggy
we have a fire place
made of cardboard
and an 8ft inflatable santa
who is taking over the kitchen

the tree is squint
the piano is out of tune
the mulled wine a bit too hot
we have lost the mince pies
and run out of pans

we can't all fit round the table
and there is no snow. boo.

But we are singing a 4 part harmony
about a sheep
and making melodies on a kazoo

we are laughing and having fun
singing
eating food
and havig afternoon naps

Perfect.

Merry Pink House Christmas everyone!!!

ps sorry to the manchester crew - but i wouldn't miss this for the world!!

So this week has been a bit bonkers. fairly major house upsets ..... but through all of this God has just done the most amazing things (as is His want).

I have been here in London a year almost exactly. I am still not sure why - but I have fallen on my feet again. When the poo hit the fan this week community here just sprung into life in the most amazing way..... its not that it wasn't there before, i just didn't realise they were there for me. I haven't done anything to earn it, or been here long enough to deserve such genuine offers of help. Being friends with people over time is great, and i do really love and appreciate all my long standing friendships. But there is something quite amazing when people you hardly know, but are connected to through a bunch of friendly people (aka known as church/community), go out of their way to help and be supportive. really great.

in all the upset, somehow i feel more settled.

But it was also a challenge to the independant streak in me - i could have tried to do all the coping and crying by myself. Instead it was about learning how to let others support me and love me without trying to give it back or feeling like i owe them something.

As someone said this week, community is not about 'you scratch my back' etc..... but about serving each other out of worship to Christ. and this week i was pleasently taken aback by its beauty and simplicity.

It wasn't planned. It already was.

did you know....

a pigeon at full flight goes at 30 mph.

who knew....

positively dangerous at eye height.

so its been a while but life has just been ticking over really.

reading lots of history.
Random factoid: richard 2nd, enthroned in 1370 something, was the first guy, in recorded english history, to request a handkerchief to wipe his nose with.
bonkers... we have had a lot of monarchs, so after a while its just a bit confusing. Elizabeth was pretty cool, but james and charles sucked really.

there you have it - english history, by anna. hehe

also i disocvered an shop that sells tropical fish etc on great portland st... i don't ness agree with lots of little nemo's swimming around. but from a totally shelfish (get it!!) point of view, it was a really peaceful place to be. just wandering around, looking at the weird and wonderful world that God created, just because... in the hope that one day we would see it (preferably in nature not in glass).

and fish are just chilled out. I need to go diving.

went to see the Blue Man Group last night - for free. winner!! They were so so good. the best thing i have seen in ages. one good thing about doing something totally new and cutting edge - old rules don't apply. traditions don't hold you back.

other than that life is a bit of a head mess.... when a relationship becomes a desperate list of requests, it makes me really sad. Where has the passion gone?Its not even that the passion has gone, but been smothered by rubbish, by worry, by not understanding, by feeling sqeezed.
6 years in - does it remain like this all the time??

I know it doesn't - as so many friends attest to (nice one ozza), and i am not going to give up. But where do the things growing in my heart lie with the small but somehow suffocating things of life.

At the same time though i am learning lots, reading heaps and meeting lots of great new people. I may not understand what is going on - but i'm not going to stop and be suffocated. But try, even when i don't know how, to trust in that Hope and know Goodness in the land of the living - cause it is here.
Even though I have only had the vaguest scent of heaven - its too good to give up just because i don't fully get it.

so there

tea anyone?

still reading

although winston churchill is now finished. the end is sad - he dies. just incase you were left wondering, or have i just ruined it for you haha
but his life was amaizing - PM at 79, seeing things that other people where too blind or naive to see. People say he was not a good peace time PM - true his best work was during the wars....but before both the wars he had thought about minimum wage, the NHS and social security. so far ahead of the pack....

and v inspiring. It also showed me some good sides in our history and culture which are so easily blasted because of the bad things that came from them, such as colonialistion. But things like when he was voted out of power after WW2, his response was "its what we have been fighting for all along"....

(it could be said that WW2 came out of WW1, which has v doubtful motives - ie prob not for democracy, but empire building)

but a simple view of the start of ww2 is that Poland had been invaded by a tyrannt and not allowed to hold votes to get him in or out - so we wanted to help them. So when he was voted out in a demcratic process he could only rejoice that the process could still happen - when so many were behind the iron curtain without that right. (this in turn got me thinking about politics today - where do we fit into them today - dunno)

anyway, am getting distracted - i think i jsut learnt a lot. and stopped being quite so cynical about it all. Yes we are fallen, not v nice people, but behind so much there is a hint of the purer version that God had intended. I think it has reinspired that hope. We, well me anyway, are so quick to shout at the bad stuff, without making a good hard search for the good stuff, even if it is well hidden.

am also thinking a lot about lots of other things - like politics and the church etc. did you know that in the 1st century - the kiss of peace was full on the lips, so outsiders thought we were a sex cult, because they loved each other so much. (I might add this was not just shown in the kiss, as they could only do it once, but in general lifestyle choices).....

so lots of questions and interesting thoughts, but other than that life is really normal for once. and i am quite enjoying that. i can't say how long it will last though.

reading

so i have been reading some really great stuff recently. Winston churchill is on going and as inspiring as ever.

but just started a study group re church history and read this great quote from a first century christian......

"We do not talk about great things; we live them."

my preference exactly.

life as it is

man - time is flying by and suddenly we are in mid october (soon be christmas i hear you shout!!)

life is wonderfully full of colour, diversions and lots of laughter, with a healthy dose of brain sqeezing and muscle pulling!!

The colour and diversions have come in the form of my housemates and various free tickets to west-end shows. If you ever get the chance you should try very very hard to NOT go and see 'Daddy Cool'.... its music taken from ronnie m (whoever he is - clearly an historically famous singer). The plot is as thin as a thin piece of paper, (although they do make camden market quite realistically), singing quite bad, acting slightly better. But the show truely finds its own "special' form 20 minutess before the end. clearly the writer was getting bored with his own ideas, took some 'exotic herbs' and then continued to jazz it up a bit. the adjustments include a giant parrot being suspended from the ceiling, lowered and lifted up again, followed by a giant mechanical snake where you can almost see the guys working the winch in the background....

they did manage to recieve a standing ovation, but only by the fact that they had everyone up dancing and singing to the last song where the most hiddeous costumes were worn. suddenly it was the end of the show and the audience were clapping and standing - cheeky me thinks....

anyway, don't bother.

did go see some comedy though, david o'doherty was great.

Brain sqeezing is coming through meeting people who totally disagree with many aspects of church/God (or rather totally don't think he exists)...... love the challenge of learning to communicate clearly and making sense of ideas i thought i really knew. the most interesting so far being with a sheik mystic.

Muscle twanging has come from dancing, prob quite badly on various occasions, and walking really quite far shopping or in parks. it autumn and lush outside!!!

Other news is that i am now the owner of a lush red, bright red, dress. can you believe it - the pastels have gone, long live all the others!!!

so life is god and full. although sadly the flipflops have been put away. I will miss them, but i do love the seasons....

as the one and only fleetwood mac sing "I don't care for sunny weather, I like the change of seasons better". amen to that sister.

is it totally ridiculous that i have just had my first mince pie?

or that i am still wearing flipflops??

upside down world

since my last post a lot has happened.....

hooked up with 4 crazy international friends for an evening of laughter, chinese, beer, tears and prayer - perfect, but defo not often enough. This happened after a shock visit to gatwick to pick up the lovely oria dale, and then travel to the middle of nowhere, to meet the others and laugh at thier totally shocked faces. 10 points to ozza for shock potential!!!

It was then onto Uganda, via a miracle last minute ticket, to see the people i am going to be working with and the children i will be working for. They are amazing - after enough trauma for a life time, are only just beginning to live. But when they laugh and smile - its amazing..... especially when you see the context from which they come, the slums or the north.

The combination of bad news from home and seeing such back breaking and shocking poverty, made it an emotional week. But all the way through God was successfully turning my world upside down.

What does it look like to be prophetic amoung countries which are so well labelled as "diseased, dying, starving, war ravaged, corrupt" etc. Everyone knows what a bad state the third world is in, even if it can't imagine the scale or depth of depravity. And i don't want to be someone who denies the level of human suffering. But as part fo the church, surely we should be speaking words of life and hope, not just confirmation of what is already there. Jesus so often called things by what they would become, not by what they were. and i think that is where my heart lies....

anything we do in partnership with 'the thrid world', should not be about last ditch effort to maybe save some lives, although that is so needed... but it shoudl be about unlocking potential that is there.

i realise i say this with no study of development, no practicl outworking, nothing really to say this is it - the answer.... it was just an observation and thought. might be totally wrong.... i have no idea, but i look forward to finding out.

just a quick one - to say welcome to my sister (v on rhs), she has joined the bloggin world with "rantings of a political pulse" (nick name is chickpea, amoung others....)

also a quote which i found

"we are all worms, but i do believe i am a glow worm."
Winston Churchill, 1906

His biography is really great by the way. its my current book and its amazing to see that before he was this great war leader, he stood for the poor and really led the way in terms of social security, miniumum wage etc..... he had some crazy adventures, went through uganda and most of north eastern africa. He really stood for what he believed in even if it meant he was at odds with his party and his friends.

v inspiring.....

its great discovering a good, fruitful outlet for passion, when it comes from a solid source. I think i have realised that 2 years ago it came from insecurity and other rubbish, like trying to prove myself or something. now hopefully the source and reason for it is purer, from God's heart, as opposed to mine.

anyay a slight queue for the computer so will sign off, xxxx

my 90th blog entry

.... well done me. never figured i would have stuck at it so long!

Why is it that when britain decides to go on holiday, either camping or away on the bank holiday one of two things happen. either it rains like there is no tomorrow and people walk around saying "drought, what drought?", or the government decides to rip up all the major roads!! - heyho - life on the little island continues as normal!!

the camping trip of this week was indeed more of a swimming expedition than camping. on the first day sharon and i had to set up our tent inside someone elses and then dragged it outside such was the downpour - by the end of it i had realised my waterproof coat was perhaps only shower proof (am not going to test it again to check mind you!!), and i had soaked through a third of my clothes for the few days - let the fun begin!!!

but we did laugh lots, and the week continued in much the same vein. crazy dancing to cheesy beats, crazy God times and great worship - there is nothing quite like it when there are thousands of you together - blows my mind a bit!! We realise our insignificance in the light of the body, individualism has to die, and God gets v big indeed!

i then returned to the parents house to join my siblings in some diy decorating. i forget how much fun it can be - deep down i think i might be a bit of a decorating genius - it is fairly deep down though hehe. the cunning plan is to then miss the holiday traffic and head back to london and normal life (if there is such a thing) for a week before i fly out to Uganda and my new job!!!

I am so excited and also a little scared. One thing that i was reminded of lots this week while camping in sunny (or not) shepton mallet, was how much God loves the poor and forgotten, how His favour is totally directed toward them. And i have the privilege of serving them..... i just hope i don't mess up. Well, even if I do He has got it covered, but when other people are involved i would rather not!!

I think i was also reminded of the things which make me tick most, the stuff that gets me fired up - and it is the poor, the lost and injustice. At the same time though i was shocked at my total lack of commitment, prayer or action toward them uptil now. Yes there maybe valid reasons (or vague attempts) for that but now i am all out of excuses. How can i have been a christian for 6 or so years, and not led anyone to Him...... basically that bit in James (if you read these things and don't do them youre faith is foolish, or words to that effect)..... i could keep on making excuses, getting leasons in how to.... or i could just do it and trust that he is able to help me in everything.

He spent his whole life in action and word, for the poor, the lost and the oppressed. He served, he washed feet..... now me thinks it is about time i did the same.

It feels like this new part of my journey is like the blind man healed in John.... his eyes were covered in mud, and he had to walk to the well to wash, before he could see and know he was healed. It feels like there is so much i don't yet see or understand about God's love or the kingdom, but He is telling me to walk forward. and i will, in faith that as i do, i will see more of His love... not just for me but the world.

I can't just have faith for me anymore - my healing, my money, my future - its too me focused if nothing else. I need to have faith that Uganda can be healed and brought to peace, that lives can be transformed, and the oppressed go free.....That is the sort of God worth telling people about!!! amen...

ok rant over. realising me fires have been relit. oh my....

so its hot and funny here again. september get back you fiend - winter shall not be here just yet!!!!

so have almost moved house, v exciting, although quite sad. this week have laughed sooo much i have a new flat tummy!!! discovered the more theatrical side of me coming out as well as the dancer inside - the kitchen dancing is improving all the time!!!!
so life is lots of fun.

it seems like the 'season' of the last 2.5 years is coming to an end and god is giving me hints about what is coming up next. as ever it is a bit like a tube map for a pedestrian - everything is on there, but it looks much more simple than it is above ground! So i look forward to the unexpected. even the stuff he is talking about is great, and i just can't stop laughing when i think about it. life is, and will no doubt continue to be good..... better even!!!

so not much to report. well done to anna p, who has an amazing job. basically written for her personally - isn't he good. well done my sister who is soon to be living in tooting, nice.
me, i will be living in the pink house..... it has a pink fence!

not much happening on the anna front right now.....

reading Romans like it is going out of fashion - what a great book!!!

About to move house
about to start a job with arnold..... v excited!!!!

my suntan has improved

as have my dancing-round-the-kitchen skills!!!
oh, and someone thinks i am funny!!! what is the world coming too hehe

my housemate thinks i am like mary poppins - i appear, cause some well needed chaos, and then go again! How cool is that - but i do lack in the cool shoes and carpet bag dept!! Wind from the east anyone???

so all is good. laughing lots!

nothing else to report....

oh otherthan the film 'sideways' is totally rubbish, don't even bother!

after a few days of grrrrrrr and not really understanding much i have just had a bit of an ohhhhhhhh moment, you know when things just fall into place. Learnt what the word justified meant, in a biblical context - i.e. God sees me as perfect, 'cause i believe in Jesus dying for me - how cool is that!!!..... and this was only 3 chaptrs into the book!!!

i love it when words you have heard for ages just suddenly make sense - having a dictionary helps!!

had a great morning this morning in true anna styleee - listening to a cd, dancing round the kitchen and cleaning all at the same time. my ide of fun - sad i know. but satisfying.

got locked into regents park yesterday - had to do a break out. hehe.

settled - perhaps not

on returning home from a weeks travelling around with the family, i realised i must have 'settled' here - simply because i was so joyful on my return. I do really love living here and hanging out with sharon, the garden and the park posse. This feeling means only one thing - i am soon to be moving! which is infact right, end of this month i shall pitch my tent 1 min from here - but in a v different house. life is never boring when you ask to be moved on from any comfy zones!!!

The last week though has been family filled. My lil' sis got a 2;1, as well as being 21 the day before - so this called for much eating, drinking and general family merriment. was execllent. although i always eat too much and don't have to eat for a week! But there was much driving up and down the nation, long train journeys and a large horse fly bite - so i am glad to be back.

Victoria has said she has only been mentioned once before in my blog, so at this point i would like to say something more about her. (at this point she is blushing and getting mad at me.... hehe, its what big sistrs are for). She is my height, normally has curly brown hair (these 2 factors are variable), and is beautiful. She is also v funny, cheeky and is about to start being an accountant in london, while also wishing to go into politics. She also has a thing for news readers on the bbc, esp the welsh one whose name i forget. She likes to carpe deim - seize the carpe ;) and can be v fiesty if injustice or tickling is about. She is the opposite of me in so many ways - except that we both want to save the world (just in different ways).

Basiclly she is amazing and i love her to pieces. so there. (no escaping it now titch, its in the public domain)....


On a different note - london is hot. but wifi works in my shady garden so its job hunting in the shade. nice.

Other than that life is good. am reading lots of the good book - named because surely it is good, as i am finding.

Someone said this week that our generation is unique in that we are likely to have 4 careers - 3 of which haven't even been invented yet. And suddenly the limiting lid of possibilities is blown right off, again. Its happening a lot recently, to my surprise and joy!!!

i love community

I love community for many reasons

big bbq's when you get given more food than you bought, and your fridge ends up full of scrummy things

interesting kitchens to have t in

when its 10.55 pm and all the shops are shut, even the dodgy corner one which is perhaps a front for, i dunno, m-and-m smuggling.... you can call the pink house and ask for a spare loo role, so you don't pee your pants before bed.

laughing about totally inane things, and going purple in the face, not being able to speak, and people not thinking you are totally weird at the end of it all.

borrowing most of the ingredients for cake, but then having people to share it with.

....... guess what i did today. lovely.

He who binds himself to joy
Does a winged life destroy
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternities sunrise


William Blake