Running nowhere

Today i tried running, really hard from God. Only to find He is obviously there at the otherside of my little sprint - because he is that big!!

Its not even that I meant to, or tired to but, as He showed me later, I so seriously scared and thought that Scotland would be a good place to try and hide from it. Nice try!!!

So, for now I am not going anywhere - why pay the money when He wants me here in the first place!!

But its all really good actually. He is v cool - showing me that I was running and stopping me from ensuing dash, because it was not right, and because He loves me. Thanks.

So Blair road it is - but I do love it so thats ok. The leaves have started falling and its turned a bit cold and grey - one of my faveorite times of year.

Also today I met this great Irish man by the name of Jerimiah Oliver O'Brian (Job for short). We sat and spoke for a good hour, while he sang me songs and made up poetry about flowers and trees and things. He was not a drunk, although it took me a while to realise. So we laughed and had a good time. He told me some fun things about God and informed me that to improve poetry I need to try rhyming and read the psalms!

So i shall endevour to read more of the psalms qwith my poems in mind.

I would also like to welcome Sally W to the page - her blog (to the right) is so v funny, if you're having a bad day go there!!!

N.B.

I love blogs, they make me laugh after a pooey week.

stops me taking myself too seriously.

think i need to think about the title of this blog..... simplicity.

not confusion.

huh.

No 2 - cars

So the second of these revelations (as you can see, its been a busy week)

He showed me that all this time, ie the last 18 months or so, He has been removing my engine from within me. (nice)

basically it goes like this - beforehand i was driven and motivated by fears, doubt and serious levels of insercurity, so that even when i was doing 'good' stuff, for God, it was all for the wrong reasons. I am a big believer in ghandi and MLKjr and their thoughts on the means being just as importany as the end reached. Therefore if the means, ie the fears etc, were naff, then the ends were not so great.

i hope that made a little sense!

anyway, back to cars. so He has systematically taken away my previous engine of the above fears etc, and left a hole, mentioned previously,in which one would hope He is going to place a better, God sort of engine, probably focused on Love.

So that is how things are currently - although i freely admit that with all this time on my hands to think, the above my change/develop or otherwise not fit with my life at the next blog!

Sorry for any ensuing confusion. Such is my life. But I am trying to learn to trust, not in what I know but In God.

.... cause He is good, and I have no engine!

No 1 - helpless but hopeful

this week has been a bit of a weird one - crashing from being fine to grumpy and shouting, to crying to rejoicing.

Feel a little messed up.

Am bored of waiting and as such a little frustrated.
My head hurts from too much thinking

But two interesting revelations i thought i would share.

in the mess that was my head this week, i thought i would stuff all this and go and save the world! (go me!). But then i realised that people were already trying that and failing so why should i bother. and even if i wanted to i couldn't without God, or even know where to begin for that matter. phew

At which point God pipes up informing me that He can save the world, so I don't need to try. Then it hit me. I have nothing to offer Him at all. nothing that he can't do already, and probably much better.

man that sucks - when we like to think we are good people by what we can offer others. there is nothing to offer here that he has not given.
Instead, i realised, that all He is asking for is this cracked, and slightly confused, shell into which and through which He might choose to pour some of His spirit which could then help to bring in the Kingdom. but only if He wanted to. Not even essential. He could do it without me.

pants.

why on earth am i here?

I guess at this point i should jump up and say "to worship Him", and that is true and i totally believe it and love it. I just figured it would be through what i do rather than not.
tricky... and yet in that helpless place before Him, when you have nothing but to plead mercy, Hope rises from the ashes.

Things can only get better from here!! If there is something empty - He (i say this tentitavely) may fill it with Joy and Love and His fab Spirit, who I love!

tissues please

so the wedding - was LUSH!!!! absolutely perfect in so many different ways. below are but a few -

a great couple, who i love dearly ( i don't use that word enough i just realised). Both of them looked great.
fab friends and therefore many laughs and much wine
great food, including a chocolate fountain thing (going on my christmas list!!)
random meeting with a girl i went to school with
great music and bad dancing (the latter by yours truely!!)
much crying (joy and wonder at God) BUT no running eye makeup (10 points to me!!)

oh and i got to wear lovely clothes and a hat - go figure for the girl who is rarely seen out of a pair of jeans!!

So was fab, really felt like the last year has been so worth it for those guys. It reminded me that actually He has got it all covered even when we don't believe it.

And Hope was rekindled.....

nice.

New York etc

so the last few days have beena little mental but really fun.

So New York.....

is mostly BIG. the only descriptive word i could find for it for 2 days. But i really love it and was surprised that i even really loved the people. Americans don't seem quite so, you know, American when they are on home Turf. Me, I was an english person in New York, and i knew it!!!

Observations include
- clearly in the 80's the city decided to print lots of postcards, so many in fact they have lasted 25 years, so there is not a nice postcard in the city!! sorry for anyone hoping for one but i could not force myself to buy one!

- the road system is so easy, i did not get lost once (except inside the UN and that is a warren!). why did we not think of it - mainly because we have been going for much much longer!!

- strangely I much prefer the american muffins sold in the uk, than those sold in america, just nicer really. as to whether they are still american if there are here - well tricky!

So anyway, i loved it. The UN was big and full of people trying very hard, in very tricky places, to save the world. I felt so inspired just listening to some of their stories, amazing. But at the same time you look at this huge machine, which is the UN, full of people who want things to be better, but they are totally resticted and limited by the machine and the people who control it. It sucks!

But hey, my thought is that if people are as determined as say Ghandi or Martin Luther King, Jnr, to see a change - then it will happen. and it really felt like there is just this huge ground swell, this masss people movement rising up and saying NO MORE - about a lot of things, but esp about the third world and war etc.

So, lots to chew over, but v inspiring. Oh and if you ever have the chance to meet, hear, or share the same room as Whaoo Karaa from Kenya, then do. She rocks. She does lots of saving the planet stuff and is being nominated for the nobel peace prize this year. A great woman african leader of our time!!

Since the business of the US I returned to apprecaite silence - a city that never sleeps is never silent - and clean clothes. the laundry done, I headed down to Bath for a fun hen night with 6 courses at dinner!!! oh my. Tomorrow i have to squeeze into a dress (6 courses and american waffles do not help) for one of the weddings i have looked forward to most - claire and george. I love them i think they are great!!!

Tomorrow will be much fun, but for now i am drinking wine and chilling out quietly before many people arrive at Anna H's house in the shire, at which point I am likely to get just a little to giddy and need to calm down before i try and sleep!
ohhh i just can't wait this part of the country with this collection of people at this occasion... oh my i just don't know if i can handle it all!!!

this is what life is about, NYC... well that was just a trip. but friends and fun times, much more important!

just when you can last no longer, in God steps with a big dollop of peace with understanding in there somewhere.

So just had a great week with family in cornwall, helping prep for a wedding. Really felt like it was how things are meant to be like, everyone mucking in, making bunting (iam now an expert!) and having tea on the lawn with a marque, before a great bash under the stars atfter a teary wedding.

Am now back in London about to go to the airport to fly to New York (first time to states, whopeee). Last night I didn't really have enough money to go to pay for accomodation and food etc, but had just knew I was meant to be going. So this morning after a snotty (On my part i might add)encounter with The Lord, I had understanding as to why I found myself in this situation, and what the outcome would be... obviously there is a happy ending, because He is good like that!!

And now i look back and think, why on earth did i end up in such a pickle in the first place when part of me knew that He was going to do his thing anyway!!

Last week I also had a great chat with an old friend and have just been chewing it over since. the bit in Matt. where Jesus says look for the Kingdom and all the rest will come to you.... I have only just found that after 2 years of living by faith! Doh!!!

So NYC bekons, and i can't wait 'cause its going to be hot and fun and a little bonkers in there at the same time.
have to dash only 1 min left....
xx