I can't quite decide which is worse.....

being disapointed, or no longer being surprised when it happens.

on that note...

I saw the first line in a newspaper...
a little rough around the edges, but hey, for now it flowed, that's what matters...

Love has defeated me.

I wait, broken,
For it to conquer

I stand, rejected,
Despised yet hopeful
Many have walked here
Yet none stand
And so I wait

I have been undone
Crumpled and dug out
But unlocked and restored
I stand in darkness
And in faith

Love has crushed me
Melted me
Forced me to stand
To shake off the dust
Of lies,
The dust of others

Love has defeated me
And my hiding
It has stripped me
Bare and torn apart
With pain no longer
Hiding
There is no fear

And so I stand
I wait
Rejected or accepted
In love
It defeated me
It created and
It restores me.

Hello Me

Just come back from nearly a week in Dorset, doing very little. Some sun, some rain, but mainly just chilling with Hattie, one of the best.

After doing nothing for 4 months I realise I am only just learning what it means to rest. Rest is not the absence of work, but, for me, the absence of needing to do something, anything. To find myself useless, completely jobless and redundant was quite hard, as I feel loved when I feel useful. But when the God who made everyting, including me, tells me he doesn't need me to do anything for him ('cause he can do it all himself anyway...) it takes me a little while to be quiet, stop having a strop, and begin to realise a bit of that unconditional love He wants me to have, but I am normally too busy to recieve.

So in that place of stillness and, to be honest, brokenness, something begins to flow which has not done for years. The other bit of me which has been shut up and boxed away by self condemnation and intimidation. I can't quite put words to it - but i love it and am going to enjoy discovering how to express it - this being one of those places.

I was really challenged this morning to put some of the words I scribbled down yesterday onto this blog. I dont even know who reads it, but I was challenged to let other people read it, think over it - and dare I say it, even form some sort of conclusion from/on it. But not to be scared of that, or let it hold me back - there are worse things to fear. If this is a journey of discovery, then the bits in-between are going to be messy and probably quite naff - but to fold to fear would be boxing it all up again. I think this is one box I am outgrowing quite quickly...

I am enjoying finding Anna too much....

Thoughts in my head...

I should have been a plumber. The one coming to install our new gas oven (whopeee) is charging a sweet (for him) 45 english pounds, not including VAT!! Ohh i can see the student debt disapearing in front of me...

We are all GEEKS! I have been discovering recently that many of my previously quite cool friends, are secretly geeks! (note to reader - a geek is above a dork and a nerd, both of which are not to be sought after - or so i am told??).
I am a geek for (on a good day) geology but always quantum physics... all those quarks!
TD loves her maps and Salford
AKH her stationary, punctuation and more besides..
HMC loves thermo-haline circulation
HDC loves words (one each day), Mr bean mugs and being on TV

.... have you found your inner-geek!

Other than that, August continues in the rain.
I am learning about reading and thinking, about love and sacrifice, and about anger and truth.


But more on them later - I'm going outside to enjoy the rain!