Hello Me

Just come back from nearly a week in Dorset, doing very little. Some sun, some rain, but mainly just chilling with Hattie, one of the best.

After doing nothing for 4 months I realise I am only just learning what it means to rest. Rest is not the absence of work, but, for me, the absence of needing to do something, anything. To find myself useless, completely jobless and redundant was quite hard, as I feel loved when I feel useful. But when the God who made everyting, including me, tells me he doesn't need me to do anything for him ('cause he can do it all himself anyway...) it takes me a little while to be quiet, stop having a strop, and begin to realise a bit of that unconditional love He wants me to have, but I am normally too busy to recieve.

So in that place of stillness and, to be honest, brokenness, something begins to flow which has not done for years. The other bit of me which has been shut up and boxed away by self condemnation and intimidation. I can't quite put words to it - but i love it and am going to enjoy discovering how to express it - this being one of those places.

I was really challenged this morning to put some of the words I scribbled down yesterday onto this blog. I dont even know who reads it, but I was challenged to let other people read it, think over it - and dare I say it, even form some sort of conclusion from/on it. But not to be scared of that, or let it hold me back - there are worse things to fear. If this is a journey of discovery, then the bits in-between are going to be messy and probably quite naff - but to fold to fear would be boxing it all up again. I think this is one box I am outgrowing quite quickly...

I am enjoying finding Anna too much....