Note to self

coming out of the cold induced fuzz that was my brain i discover some things...

firstly; my room is a total mess. A week of living in PJ's has not been good for the laundry and tidying prospects. never mind. life is bigger.

secondly; when did i last feel alive. what last moved me?? when did i last need to sing my heart out in order to express something of what was going on inside. when did i last have a conversation that had me thinking for days after. when did i really really laugh. when did i really cry. when did i pray beyond words. when did i view god afresh and it take my breathe away. when was i last really grateful to be alive and thankful for this life i lead?

or have i just been moaning. have i just been dashing through, one pay check to the next. have i been silencing thoughts in order to have space to eat and sleep and work. have i been surrounded by crowds, noise, i-pod drone, tv static, soul static, traffic jams and washing machines, deadlines, obligations, life draining compulsions, fast food friendships and coffee froth faith.

when did i last dream and see it as a possibility rather than an escape from reality. When did i last see mighty walls of injustice and shout them down. When did i last see the walls?
When did i last do an random act of kindness. when did i last pray for someone and mean it more for them than for me. When did i last smile at a stranger, or go out of my way to help someone without that begrudging, this is such a nuisance vibe, coming out of my every pore. When did i last sit on a park bench without looking at my watch. when did i sit in a coffee shop and waste a few hours in books, in conversation, in being.

when did i last notice i was breathing?

Only now I notice I haven't been fully alive.

that same old theme

can you believe I am still trying to learn this lesson...... its not about what I do!

been really wrestling with my job recently (until I have 2 days of filing and I realise kids screaming in your face is better by far haha!!)

anyway...... its slowly dawning on me that as ever it is not about what I do, but rather continuing to discover who I am. I first thought this was horribly selfish, but I realise that in London its quite a shocker.

I don't work to earn lots of money or to climb that far off ladder to some unknown destination. But instead, this job gives me a chance to read lots of books, find out what I think of things, learn what I enjoy, dream and love people around me with a bit more energy than I might otherwise have.

I am released from that pressure to perform, to win, to get the next biggest, best whatever. Not to say that I don't do my job well, or look to learn and improve, or that seeking those things are bad in themselves.......


So many people spend years dashing about earning lots of dosh but never quite having the time to enjoy it or enjoy life. I am not saying life should be one big knees up. Not at all. But as Howies say..... there are only 5 people in your life you get to know really well. Shouldn't one of them be you??

I always thought I should know myself by now - but clearly the learning has only just begun.
But I don't think its cool to be self indulgent or selfish - however what if by knowing yourself and walking in the freedom from pressure that that brings, you free others. What if by loving life and walking with light steps you help people realise there are other ways to walk instead of dashing, or plodding with ever increasing heaviness.

I don't want to become a late 20 something who is cynical and narked that life is not full of the promise that I saw ten years before.

But amongst all the rushing and worry I feel around this town, I want to walk with eyes seeing even more promise and adventure ahead of me, not less. Not just work, mortgage payments and a pension......these are all good but not it. Not life, not me.

Finally I see He is letting me be me, but I had not heard him for all the other voices. But now what I hear most clearly amongst the rabble is "further up and further in".

maybe the adventure has only just begun.......

Life seems really full of lots of different things right now - it seems hard to know where to start. the art course continues to be a real release and an eye opener. It seems that my problem is not ideas so much as the application of said ideas onto paper. But that is just skill and I guess will come with time.

Am reading and thinking a lot about fundamentalism, in all its forms at the mo, and what I would do if i was faced with it. A challenge to love and radical peacemaking...... but am I that chilled out in the heat of the moment? A stressful day at school shows me up as not being there yet, when I would rather shout at a girl for what she is doing, than deal with it 'kingdom style'.

On a different note however I am journeying with some of the CG guys here, through the beatitudes and that whole chunk of Matthew. Its amazing what God is doing in all of us as we take ourselves back to the root of this gospel and look at its building blocks. I find myself looking at the bible differently, at God with new eyes and seeing the goggles I put on. Its refreshing and painfully challenging. But I am relishing moving forward with a random bunch of people on a common path.

In all of this though I find London has been forcing me to rush through life and book my diary two weeks ahead. That is not who I want to be, and an exhausting week shows me why. So the plan for November is to get back to basics, back to what this blog is all about - simplicity.

In Life, in God and in Love.