finger tips only

i have a picture that used to be on my dream wall. it was of a man free climbing (ie no ropes and helmets etc), hanging by his hands from a overhang, legs swinging in the air. I really like the picture; the look of the the challenge, the seemingly insane activity and the remoteness of his success.

On reflection, a silly thing to pin on a wall where pictures are like prayers.

I took it down a few weeks ago after realising it described my situation with God quite well - ie barely holding on by my fingertips.
Now though, thankfully, it seems like i made it up and over.... am lying on the top of the rockface, panting for breath as my arm muscles scream at me and my legs wobble.

But the bit that surprises me most - is the exhiliration i feel having got this far! I would expect to feel it in real life, after something so challenging, but it seems silly to feel it when describing my 'journey'.

But i really do.

I think the last few weeks have happened by grace alone. Jesus asked me to walk down a previsouly unwalked path, named 'Doubt, Disbelief and Dissapointment', which had previsouly been out of bounds due to fear of never returning.
So with much trembling and not much of a clue, off i wandered to face some of the above.... hence why i ended up, what felt like, just hanging on.

yet here i am - surprised because at the end of it all I still want to know Jesus as my Friend and Lord. There were parts when i didn't at all - and thats why so much of it was by grace. I didn't get me here. it wasn't my arm muscles that lifted me up, but God's grace. I wasn't able to face those fears and overcome them, without some divine hope of something bigger, something more to live for, rather than just being trapped by all the above.

Its not even that I have answered all the questions or doubts, but i know i have walked to the edge i feared to see and God has not let me go. I have faced the cliff face and he has kept me safe, even when it felt he had left me alone.

Part of me, as ever, in such a moment of exhiliration after sheer terror, shouts "let's do it again, again!!". while the rest of me wants to just sit here and take in the view. But at least now i know there is a view to be had, that it wasn't mindless struggle for nothing.

and more importantly i know He carried me and is truely faithful.