Note to self

coming out of the cold induced fuzz that was my brain i discover some things...

firstly; my room is a total mess. A week of living in PJ's has not been good for the laundry and tidying prospects. never mind. life is bigger.

secondly; when did i last feel alive. what last moved me?? when did i last need to sing my heart out in order to express something of what was going on inside. when did i last have a conversation that had me thinking for days after. when did i really really laugh. when did i really cry. when did i pray beyond words. when did i view god afresh and it take my breathe away. when was i last really grateful to be alive and thankful for this life i lead?

or have i just been moaning. have i just been dashing through, one pay check to the next. have i been silencing thoughts in order to have space to eat and sleep and work. have i been surrounded by crowds, noise, i-pod drone, tv static, soul static, traffic jams and washing machines, deadlines, obligations, life draining compulsions, fast food friendships and coffee froth faith.

when did i last dream and see it as a possibility rather than an escape from reality. When did i last see mighty walls of injustice and shout them down. When did i last see the walls?
When did i last do an random act of kindness. when did i last pray for someone and mean it more for them than for me. When did i last smile at a stranger, or go out of my way to help someone without that begrudging, this is such a nuisance vibe, coming out of my every pore. When did i last sit on a park bench without looking at my watch. when did i sit in a coffee shop and waste a few hours in books, in conversation, in being.

when did i last notice i was breathing?

Only now I notice I haven't been fully alive.