Running nowhere

Today i tried running, really hard from God. Only to find He is obviously there at the otherside of my little sprint - because he is that big!!

Its not even that I meant to, or tired to but, as He showed me later, I so seriously scared and thought that Scotland would be a good place to try and hide from it. Nice try!!!

So, for now I am not going anywhere - why pay the money when He wants me here in the first place!!

But its all really good actually. He is v cool - showing me that I was running and stopping me from ensuing dash, because it was not right, and because He loves me. Thanks.

So Blair road it is - but I do love it so thats ok. The leaves have started falling and its turned a bit cold and grey - one of my faveorite times of year.

Also today I met this great Irish man by the name of Jerimiah Oliver O'Brian (Job for short). We sat and spoke for a good hour, while he sang me songs and made up poetry about flowers and trees and things. He was not a drunk, although it took me a while to realise. So we laughed and had a good time. He told me some fun things about God and informed me that to improve poetry I need to try rhyming and read the psalms!

So i shall endevour to read more of the psalms qwith my poems in mind.

I would also like to welcome Sally W to the page - her blog (to the right) is so v funny, if you're having a bad day go there!!!

N.B.

I love blogs, they make me laugh after a pooey week.

stops me taking myself too seriously.

think i need to think about the title of this blog..... simplicity.

not confusion.

huh.

No 2 - cars

So the second of these revelations (as you can see, its been a busy week)

He showed me that all this time, ie the last 18 months or so, He has been removing my engine from within me. (nice)

basically it goes like this - beforehand i was driven and motivated by fears, doubt and serious levels of insercurity, so that even when i was doing 'good' stuff, for God, it was all for the wrong reasons. I am a big believer in ghandi and MLKjr and their thoughts on the means being just as importany as the end reached. Therefore if the means, ie the fears etc, were naff, then the ends were not so great.

i hope that made a little sense!

anyway, back to cars. so He has systematically taken away my previous engine of the above fears etc, and left a hole, mentioned previously,in which one would hope He is going to place a better, God sort of engine, probably focused on Love.

So that is how things are currently - although i freely admit that with all this time on my hands to think, the above my change/develop or otherwise not fit with my life at the next blog!

Sorry for any ensuing confusion. Such is my life. But I am trying to learn to trust, not in what I know but In God.

.... cause He is good, and I have no engine!

No 1 - helpless but hopeful

this week has been a bit of a weird one - crashing from being fine to grumpy and shouting, to crying to rejoicing.

Feel a little messed up.

Am bored of waiting and as such a little frustrated.
My head hurts from too much thinking

But two interesting revelations i thought i would share.

in the mess that was my head this week, i thought i would stuff all this and go and save the world! (go me!). But then i realised that people were already trying that and failing so why should i bother. and even if i wanted to i couldn't without God, or even know where to begin for that matter. phew

At which point God pipes up informing me that He can save the world, so I don't need to try. Then it hit me. I have nothing to offer Him at all. nothing that he can't do already, and probably much better.

man that sucks - when we like to think we are good people by what we can offer others. there is nothing to offer here that he has not given.
Instead, i realised, that all He is asking for is this cracked, and slightly confused, shell into which and through which He might choose to pour some of His spirit which could then help to bring in the Kingdom. but only if He wanted to. Not even essential. He could do it without me.

pants.

why on earth am i here?

I guess at this point i should jump up and say "to worship Him", and that is true and i totally believe it and love it. I just figured it would be through what i do rather than not.
tricky... and yet in that helpless place before Him, when you have nothing but to plead mercy, Hope rises from the ashes.

Things can only get better from here!! If there is something empty - He (i say this tentitavely) may fill it with Joy and Love and His fab Spirit, who I love!

tissues please

so the wedding - was LUSH!!!! absolutely perfect in so many different ways. below are but a few -

a great couple, who i love dearly ( i don't use that word enough i just realised). Both of them looked great.
fab friends and therefore many laughs and much wine
great food, including a chocolate fountain thing (going on my christmas list!!)
random meeting with a girl i went to school with
great music and bad dancing (the latter by yours truely!!)
much crying (joy and wonder at God) BUT no running eye makeup (10 points to me!!)

oh and i got to wear lovely clothes and a hat - go figure for the girl who is rarely seen out of a pair of jeans!!

So was fab, really felt like the last year has been so worth it for those guys. It reminded me that actually He has got it all covered even when we don't believe it.

And Hope was rekindled.....

nice.

New York etc

so the last few days have beena little mental but really fun.

So New York.....

is mostly BIG. the only descriptive word i could find for it for 2 days. But i really love it and was surprised that i even really loved the people. Americans don't seem quite so, you know, American when they are on home Turf. Me, I was an english person in New York, and i knew it!!!

Observations include
- clearly in the 80's the city decided to print lots of postcards, so many in fact they have lasted 25 years, so there is not a nice postcard in the city!! sorry for anyone hoping for one but i could not force myself to buy one!

- the road system is so easy, i did not get lost once (except inside the UN and that is a warren!). why did we not think of it - mainly because we have been going for much much longer!!

- strangely I much prefer the american muffins sold in the uk, than those sold in america, just nicer really. as to whether they are still american if there are here - well tricky!

So anyway, i loved it. The UN was big and full of people trying very hard, in very tricky places, to save the world. I felt so inspired just listening to some of their stories, amazing. But at the same time you look at this huge machine, which is the UN, full of people who want things to be better, but they are totally resticted and limited by the machine and the people who control it. It sucks!

But hey, my thought is that if people are as determined as say Ghandi or Martin Luther King, Jnr, to see a change - then it will happen. and it really felt like there is just this huge ground swell, this masss people movement rising up and saying NO MORE - about a lot of things, but esp about the third world and war etc.

So, lots to chew over, but v inspiring. Oh and if you ever have the chance to meet, hear, or share the same room as Whaoo Karaa from Kenya, then do. She rocks. She does lots of saving the planet stuff and is being nominated for the nobel peace prize this year. A great woman african leader of our time!!

Since the business of the US I returned to apprecaite silence - a city that never sleeps is never silent - and clean clothes. the laundry done, I headed down to Bath for a fun hen night with 6 courses at dinner!!! oh my. Tomorrow i have to squeeze into a dress (6 courses and american waffles do not help) for one of the weddings i have looked forward to most - claire and george. I love them i think they are great!!!

Tomorrow will be much fun, but for now i am drinking wine and chilling out quietly before many people arrive at Anna H's house in the shire, at which point I am likely to get just a little to giddy and need to calm down before i try and sleep!
ohhh i just can't wait this part of the country with this collection of people at this occasion... oh my i just don't know if i can handle it all!!!

this is what life is about, NYC... well that was just a trip. but friends and fun times, much more important!

just when you can last no longer, in God steps with a big dollop of peace with understanding in there somewhere.

So just had a great week with family in cornwall, helping prep for a wedding. Really felt like it was how things are meant to be like, everyone mucking in, making bunting (iam now an expert!) and having tea on the lawn with a marque, before a great bash under the stars atfter a teary wedding.

Am now back in London about to go to the airport to fly to New York (first time to states, whopeee). Last night I didn't really have enough money to go to pay for accomodation and food etc, but had just knew I was meant to be going. So this morning after a snotty (On my part i might add)encounter with The Lord, I had understanding as to why I found myself in this situation, and what the outcome would be... obviously there is a happy ending, because He is good like that!!

And now i look back and think, why on earth did i end up in such a pickle in the first place when part of me knew that He was going to do his thing anyway!!

Last week I also had a great chat with an old friend and have just been chewing it over since. the bit in Matt. where Jesus says look for the Kingdom and all the rest will come to you.... I have only just found that after 2 years of living by faith! Doh!!!

So NYC bekons, and i can't wait 'cause its going to be hot and fun and a little bonkers in there at the same time.
have to dash only 1 min left....
xx

yeppies

.... young expermineting perfection seekers who do not collect worldly good but as many experiances as possible.

I read an article about the above section of society, a bunch of people who choose not to run the rat race, but rather travel and do random jobs in different destinations in order to seek out that "thing" which will make their life.
Some of the stories were depressing to say the least; people who for example, DJ in all the best places all over the world til they are forty. They then get scared, come home only to find they have no property, career and a mountain of debt..... and end their life wondering where it went.

The article was defo written as a warning to those contemplating finding "happiness/ success" outside of the normal framework of house, job, family....

As i started to read the article i identified strongly with the yeppie group - mainly because i am not too fussed by belongings and don't ness suit a 9 - 5.
The yeppies are onto something - because happiness is not found in the normal patterns of the world. This is obvious from the sheer number of people on anti-depressants at the mo. Something has been missed out somewhere.

But as i read on i was struck by the equally empty yeppie lives. They went from one destination/relationship/job to another in fear that they were possibly missing the best that was out there, during which time the best of life just passed them by as they were enslaved by fear.

I was briefly scared that my life would end up like that, with people shaking their heads at me wondering where it had all been wasted. But then I realised you can be in any lifestyle and be desperately unhappy or looking for something yet still enslaved by fear (of missing out or stepping out).

Its not about what we do, because clearly you can be happy with a job, house and car, or fishing off the coast of brazil. But it is about knowing who we are, and where we belong. Then there is peace and assurance to step out or remain still, knowing that some parts of who you are, the important bits, are unchangable and secure.

At which point there is freedom to 'love God and do what you want' (st Augustine of Hippo), knowing that by loving Him, His Kingdom will come.
Nice.

Home, unexpectedly

Just got back from a week up north, in Shetland, my childhood home. I was at a conference ( not my normal style but still....)and met lots of really fun people who are as bonkers as me. Its always fun to find comrades in this journey of ours!

Being back there though was a bit weird, as its the first time I have been back and walking with God..... and boy did He have lots to say on the matter! But it was all good, and it was a pleasure to find that actually a bit of me does come from Shetland. You can't spend 8 years in a place and not be impacted by it! So finding that part of me and claiming it back, rather than denying it and resisting it was defo the biggest battle.

But once I had it sorted, things in me just seemed to make much more sense, both the good and the bad. I guess now is a journey of putting down the bad stuff and wiping clean the good.
What i had not expected however, was for Shetland to be added to the equation which is my future. Suddenly I had another unknown constant to take into account... not in a complicated way, just a little surpirsed! It defo did feel more like home by the end of the week, which is good considering i think i will be up there again.

The future, however close, remains strictly off limits for me and God at the mo.... a new juoorney of trust i guess. Blind until He lets it be otherwise. But I am enjoying my response to that - not total panic, but a supernatural peace.

That seems to be a theme with me and God at the moment; me being surprised by my response to new situations, where 2 years ago it would have been quite diferent. Clearly not a wasted time after all!!

So I am looking forward to the next two years being even more bonkers than the last two - bring it on!!!

oh bobbins..... time flies while checking the email!

Oh well, it is saturday after all!

So was in london again this week, rather unexpectedly, but it was good - was there just to love a friend. Realised that that is what i want my life to be about - loving people further than is normal/expected/polite or whatever haha..... it fun. hard sometimes but really fun mostly.

After london came a nasty bout of food poisoning and a day in bed, but now i am back full spring!! I am trying to get my head around all this travelling because this tuesday I am off to the shetlands, just about as far as you can go and still be in britain. I grew up there for 8 years, so it will be strange to go back, but good... returning to roots.

I am being really challenged recently by friends who look at the world with a decreasing number of barriers, in terms of boarders or restrictions to crossing each and every one. So now i am trying to look bigger than i have before, and do it in faith so that it becomes a reality and my norm. If I have such a big God why should i limit the way i see him!!!!

So places i would love to see in the next 12 months include - Israel and Canada..... maybe even brazil and another corner of africa.....

But then again i don't want to limit Him by my list - but i guess i have to start somewhere.
For now though, I will just catch a v little plane (a shoe box with wings!!) to shetland, and see where the path goes from there.

All change

so its been about a month since my last blog and it seems like so much has changed since then.

I spent 10 days in the highlands of scotland, doing some prayer work stuff with an amainzing team of people. It was lots of fun and felt like being with family. I am really looking forward to journeying with those guys some more....

London was bombed - was awful. Didn't kow what to do or say..... and then it happened again today. Suddenly so many people's everyday reality finds its way onto our streets. You would think that such a visible sign to the nation would raise questions as to why it happened, that we would be looking for answers in order to prevent it happening again. Like the link with Iraq perhaps....

but instead we just carry on, with our foreheads of flint pushing on through.

There is so much to this that confuses me, and yet it is simple in so many ways.

So, i feel like i have turned a corner with the global team etc, but it seems like the nation is turning a corner to. I only hope we respond to it with honesty, humility and love......

techno bits

ok, for those of you who say my friends links to the right dont work, i just tried them all. they seem fine to me......

computers - i really don't get them. Was thinking of setting up an internet bank account until i realised it would involve computers.... oh dear.

Had a fab weekend, alughed lots and just had plain old fun with friends.

Off to scotland this week, i can't wait. It has been far too long. I really miss it, so much a good bagpiper can cause me to get weepy on market street - how soft am I!!!

oh and i found another amazing site re a woman who set up a charity looking after the rights of civialians in war zones, and holding governments (namely america) accountable. It sounds great, but she was unfortunately killed in Iraq in April, only 26. Brave and sensitive - a good combo.

www.civicworldwide.org

gutsy in a whole other way.....

riverbend blog

for those of you interested in world stuff and Iraq have a look at

http://riverbendblog.blogger.com

its amazing. written by a woman inside occupied iraq. the life and struggles of the normal people.

that is what a blog is for.......

she will now become a permenant feature in my links to the right because she deserves to be heard above the roar of propoganda.

xx

chilling

current occupation - mostly chilling before work starts again.

The tricky things about blogs is that everytime i write one, I always rewrite it about 3 times before i get annoyed at myself and press 'publish'. (this is the second draft so far.)

I always begin with a normally rather mundane - this is what i am doing thing- followed by random thoughts. This is fine, esp for anyone who lives far away and doesn't know what i'm upto. But is it what this is for, for me?? Dunno?

I think that in the next few months quite a few things in my life, like geography, are going to be changing, so communication is going to become more important. But what is it that I want to communicate - why on earth am i sitting here at 11pm typing away?

I think there is something of this journey and adventure that i want to share with whoever reads this, mainly because its great to be on, and great to share stories, as my friend Emma c has taught me. So perhaps this is just a bit of a story board, where a random selection of scences from my life pass, in the hope that something funny, or true or lovely will strike the reader as they pause here in their day. who knows...... perhaps its just a little rectangle of verbal processing space for me.

Either way, as i am currently learning, it probably doesn't matter a great deal.....

So stories (or random bits of information)

I am currently living by the motto : He loves me, so chill out. I realised that often my response to life was one of nerves and worry, mainly because i did not know with all certainty that God loved me. (I know the books say he does, but this was something else, deeper). Now however I am beginning to realise that He does, totally, with out escape. Therefore whatever i do or wherever i go, He is still there, still loving......

that kind of blew my mind. And totally released me in an unexpected way.... to fully embrace life and Love, a slightly more prickly subject in my book.

So far, I am enjoying the consequences.

For example; I am finding that I love music and dancing to it. I recently acquired a small electric-blue music playing object (its v cute!), and have loved listening to new music. What has surprised me though is how much i enjoy and want to dance.... most of the time. Those of you who know me well, know that i am NOT a good dancer by any streach of the imagination, but i feel inspired to learn!!!! and i love the fact that i can

So life seems to be taking on a fuller, more colourful version. There are definately some big changes afoot - but at the mo i just can't quite pin them down. But the small changes are doing just fine for now.

Only the Brits...

Oh the sun - how i had forgotten how much i enjoy having a tan!!

Am in egypt with the parents. Flew in and then that night went to a ball, by the pyramids!!!! It was great fun, the views were great, although it did feel a bit weird, as someone pointed out, to dance on other peoples graves!

Cairo is currently having a heat wave, so i have a slightly pink shoulder (only on one side as i forgot that the sun moved, so i forgot to move with it!! Doh!). But I am enjoying being tanned, and being in this city. Everytime I come I see more of the poverty, but at the same time more of the beauty. Between the nile (the city) and the pyramids there are rough brick houses and piles of rubbish with kids playing on them, right next to the lushest, greenest fields.
Yesterday I was eating scrummy egyptian food on the edge of the nile while this family went past in this little row boat. The children were beautiful and the wife had amazing eyes, yet they floated past in this tiny boat wearing rags, and there was I eating scrummy food.

It just didn't sit right with me, especailly in this place of "empire". Like Oria, I really feel like something is being stirred in me re justice, the poor and what on earth am I doing about it!!!!!

A good but uncomfortable place to be.

Wales

is mostly green and welsh. I loved the freshness in the colour, came as a real surprise after the grey of manchester. But i really could not get to grips with the lingo. It sounds amazing though...

Just come back from a bit of time with t and a, much fun and enjoyed the head space. It was just really easy to sit and listen there....

Am now back in Manchester, where it is really busy in town (really got me earlier....) . A man was playing the bag pipes really well in town today (not normal this far south of the border) and suddenly i was all teary eyed for Scotland. It has been a very long time since I'v been back, and i miss it much more than i realised.

Other than that life is unpredictable at best, but the sun is around more and the days are longer, so things must be looking up. bring on the flip flops and sunnies I say!!!

I played squash last night for the first time in years. It was a lot of fun, although i admit to having pulled muscles in my bum, which makes sitting fun for everyone else but me - they get to laugh at the face i pull!!! But saying that it was good to have a made dash through the court with Sophie - who i hit twice (!!) with the ball. Having only known her for half an hour, this was not the best basis for a friendship. But next week we signed up for it again, only then i will be sufficently stretched out.

Currently job hunting and trying to sort out my CV. So very boring, but needs doing. Boo. But this weekend am off to a concert with my siblings and then Wales to chill with the pinees...
no time left xx

all change

yesterday as i typed i was still every much waiting for something to move, esp in terms of money. So imagine my surprise when getting home i recieve an anonymous, and certainly not insignificant contribution to my bank account.

After 3 months of praying like crazy, really wanting god to be the God that i think he should be, but we rarely let him be over here in the west, He does it, beautifully, simply. He is becoming that BIG God that i long to see operating over here. So letting go of everything but holding onto Him, maybe just makes space for Him to be that - Creator and Lord. I just need to make more space for him.

So now I'm in london, drinking smoothie and loving it. This city has a great vibe, esp the free internet in snow and rock. sorry that you're not here G. But the miffins are good, will have one for you.

I am really wanting the unpredictable now though, however crazy it might be, it feels like an amazing way to live. Not to let go of responsibilities, or not live in the real world - but rather see them from a different perspective and learn to live a full life from that. It feels really exciting to finally be stepping a little closer to that, after learning to let go of those mental chains that stopped me before.

so where now - who knows, but thats the bit I am loving.

Uncertain

I have just re-read my last blog. It was a little obscure to say the least, sorry about that. But I just write what I'm thinking sometimes, and that is not always a lot!!

" Gracious uncertainty - to be certain of God means we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow will bring... it should be an expression of breathless expectation." Oswald Chambers.

I know that I have been learning to let go of all of my expectations and ideas but not in a hopeless way. With me it is the way that God wants to make space in order to bring about His bigger and better plans. It just means that can often be found wandering around not entirely sure what is going on. If you find me like this, don't be overly conerned, Im not dangerous!

So, Easter (and any other dates that I had hoped might be significant....) has passed, and I am still here. But that is ok. It feels like the pace of life has begun to pick up and that there is focus coming. Next week I am off to the south coast and then to wales. From there who knows....

I know that I have finished the waiting (horah!) and so now its just a case of walking the path in front and seeing that appears. But as you might have guessed, I am not entirely sure what that might be. I have tried to work it out. But He is not letting on, but thats the point. If I knew then I would know.... therein lies the problem. He is God, I am not.

So this is a walk, one step at a time..... but imagine where I might end up!!!

where i am, sitting

so, i know it has been a while but been somewhat laking in anything to say. My life at the mo - mainly just waiting. Literally, just sitting and waiting, hoping and dreaming. But when it feels like there are no boundaries, (a good thing i know), it leaves me a little stuck of where to begin. But I have started, and looked in different directions, but still not found "it", that thing that makes me tick, and come alive. That thing which will keep me up with mad ideas and excitment, that thing that i grab hold of and run with as far as i can as best as i can.

I don't even know if that is what I mean or what I am waiting for, but I think so. Destiny, the reason I am me. I know that it is about worshipping Him and loving Him, with all my talents and mess ups which means I will do it in a way that only I can......

Perhaps if I just keep on walking I will find myself on the path, doing the 'thing'. I am already. He has got it covered....

In the meantime however I am realising that Home is where you make it. Recently I have been very good at not making it where it needs to be. Life is easier when people aren't asking tricky questions, but that doesn't make it better. So I am learning to love the places that are a little uncomfortable, yet entirely filled with Love. I am enjoying the challenge of forcing myself out of the shell I have made, and being surprised that there is more of me to be found outside of it. I am enjoying the deepening friendships and other bits of me which are not what I thought they should be - so a life giving and releasing shock to the system.

Looking forward to Easter and everything that comes after it - hopefully a lot of resurrection life!!!! some feasting!! and a few giggles .....