Anonimous amoung a heavy throng,
The forgotten and never seen
Theirs is the side street
Strewn with rubbish
Theirs the rotten park bench.

Not so the rich
With regents street
And oxford circus
Ever seen faces in venues plenty.

With two pennies between them
And a long walk home
Despair creeps in
Laying heavy hands
On stooping shoulders

Why hold a head high
When there is nothing to look for
Nothing coming on the horizon
Coppers are only found
At your feet

And even these tokens
Of light relief
Taste like gravel
In your parched mouth
They serve only as a reminder
Of your bitter position
The reality you facee
Of paving slab
And the frozen bites of wind

Light relief though
To those shedding weight
Of loose change and heavy conscience
Ever aware of your horrid state
They try to forget their own
throught world dulled senses

Paralysed by fear
And safe little cacoons
They limp past you
Expressing rigid helplessness
UNable to free themselves
From such binding comfort
They resist reaching out
Lest they come face to face
With themselves.

buses

i love them... they never fail top surprise or entertain me. Yesterday some kids broke open a stink bomb just as they got off the bus, in rush hour, leaving the rest of us to breathe in slightly rotten air. SOme of us found it quite funny, but the more serious minded thought it v immature - thats right, but they are Kids!!!!

another one this week had a not nice pong from a slight puddle of baby vom. so everyone out and cram onto the next one! a few days ago though, at quite an early hour of the morning, one guy was left asleep by his friend... so no doubt ended by in watford or somewhere, rather than at home in his bed! But people tend to talk more at 2am then 2 pm..... funny that you can spend so many hours of your life with random people and never talk to them. seems a bit rude.... oh how we love the british reserve!!

learning to play the guitar, even wrote a song today... but now my fingers really hurt and i have had to stop. boo. but i am surprised i never did it before, feels like the most natural thing in the world for me to do.

found an amazing house just off brick lane (london equiv of curry mile) that we would love to make a bit of a community house.
so am currently dreaming lots. and dreaming bigger.....

went to sleep last night and then woke up again this morning (usual i know) with the thought - dream bigger!!!

and so i shall....

a big lush, community, boiler, many roomed, huge kitchened house perhaps

a job, but bigger than i am seeing at the mo...

note to self - there are no limits to God, other than those we chose to put on Him!

this week...

so its ben an interesting week....

last weekend was one long chill time with hatts inc a great film, good food and lots of laughs.
There was then the setting off of the fire alarm in the boiler - pork kebabs! This would have been ok if it wasn't for the office upstairs working, or the fire brigade NOT coming, till we called them saying "don't come", at which point they have to!! Oh dear. But they were lovely and, well fire men!!!! ohhh.

Met up with an good firned from Manchester - always good. Had a phone crisis, not good. only then for the Lord to interviene in His timing - always good. if not a touch confusing at times!

Friday night was contempary dance - not me i might add. I just watched the performance. Was v cool... esp the one about violence against women. v v powerful!
Saturday was chilling with g and c
sunday was more chilling with friends and then going home with a huge bunch of flowers - left overs from a party! They are lush.

In all this has been the on-going 'find a job, career, life thing'..... which has been hard and frustrating at times. But more importantly than that I know there is something about knowing me in Him which He is doing.... which is way more important for now. Everything else will no doubt follow - but what would be the point if it wasn't going to Glofiy Him? and someone once said I most Gloify God when He is most Alive in Me!

So i think i am just finding out what that actually means.....

Dreams and reality

the dream - to somehow speak into global structures, in a constructive way, and call for justice....

the reality - there are mice in our house!!! oh and i live on a street called the murder mile (please don't tell my mum!)

so life is beginning to be filled with dreams. they are still quite shaky, and v out of focus but the are there none the less. now i just need to find a road to start to walk there....

London, other than its sky (perpetual grey), continues to give life in multi-colour and surround sound (not always good i might add!!). am loving finding the new creative side of me. well not new, just v well hidden. and really enjoying meeting new poeple and laughing v hard.
Job hunting continues
East london is v cool, although there is a real violence in the streets here (well in the spirit anyway) that i have not totally learnt to deal with yet. But at the same point i am beginning to see why..... the desperate poverty and harshness of reality here - not exactly the 1st world eutopia!!! But in the midst of it all generous community and pushing on through whatever.....

Its just such a contrast from the streets of Kensington and other such lovely places!! Not sure which one i prefer - maybe neither. maybe just something else.

But life is Good and am learning heaps at the mo....

currently reading - in Priase of Slow. v good.

Little presents

Last night i was lying in bed and just trying to let my mind calm down from the days busy-ness, when i became aware that for some reason the main road next to my house became still and silent. So for the first time in days i just lay there listening to nothing, it was amazing, like taking a deep deep drink....

Been doing more exploring and getting lost and things recently. The city is quite amazing (in the shocking sense) at points, esp the square mile. the east side of the city sits next to the borough of tower hamlets. As we walked the boundry between the two i was just shocked at such a contrast - beautufil marble offices and expensive bollards next to tenaments, boarded up buildings and one of the poorest neighbourhoods in London. The richest square mile in the world next to the most deprived, urban dwellings to be found.

THis is the sort of stuff you expect to see in the middle east or the third world - but bobbins, we are meant to be one of the wealthiest nations on earth!! Someone, can't recall who but they were very good, once said that a measure of a nation is how they treat their poor. So we suck.
I have no idea how, but know that the poor is one of the main reasons i am here. but it is increasingly grabbing hold of my heart as i walk around.

oh and i am hopefully soon to start working for a cleaning company. Why climb a ladder when the people i want to meet can't even reach the bottom rung, but are stuck in the pit of minimum wage.

2006

Happy 2006 everyone...... had a chilled new year in the hills. loved it, although the local killer cows did put me on edge a little. haha. can't quite work out if i am a townie (ie being scared of farm animals and struggling with large wooden gates), or a country girl (who crosses roads without looking and can't understand why so many people live so far from something green.)

perhaps i just belong in the subburbs.... arhggggg noooooo.

crashing on...

So been trying to think of top 5 of 2005, could think of a few

1. being in New York, they let me into the UN!!! how bonkers is that!
2. claire and george's wedding, tissues please.
3. the little kitchen in blair road with ben and drago

.... other than that i realised that the highlights of 2005 where not ness what i did or where i went, but the people i was with and the friendships that developed from it. So thanks heaps for being part of my journey, its been bonkers so far and i look forward to more craziness this year.

I am seriously happy at the mo but not entirely sure why. Hope has totally appeared in an unsurpressiable balloon inside me, bringing unexpected joy with it. Just realising that God totally loves me and that it brings total freedom. Am also excited about the open doors in London...

so i am seriously looking forward to 2006.
not much else to report. ALthough have discovered a new liking of ironing.....

Home at last

so for the first time in 10 years my parents are home..... great! We gave them flowers and a great surprise party - much bubbly flowing, was wonderful. Christmas has been great - much food and hanging out with family before we all part ways again. well until 351 boxes arrive and we are summoned home to unpack! oh dear.

But it has been a wonderful old time - i have been on very long walks over green hills and finally it feels like the rush and chaos of london has left me to be replaced by the stillness i find here. Its like soaking a sponge, trying to get as much in as possible in the next week before i head back. But i have also been rereading narnia - everytime i do i see something different and love God more, its just really beautifully written yet powerfully simple. It also leaves me saying things like, golly gosh. and 'thats just beastly' haha....

But at points this time has been strange. I am aware that God really loves all the feasting and family and celebration, but is really mourned by the fact that few see the reality of what it is we celebrate. But i have Hope afresh and can't be down hearted too long.
Its also been strange because i catch myself in the mirror and suddenly don't recongnise the person looking back. I think its more than a new hair cut, i think this last 12 months, although hard, has changed me in ways that at the mo i just can't quite pin down. But i do really like them, the little hints and glimpses that i catch....
I am also more and more aware of what a beautiful and precious thing a relationship with Jesus is, or perhaps closer to the point - Him.

So like lovely Oz, who i miss heaps, i am also looking forward to 2006. I know it will be fuller, more different and unexpected than this last year and i can't wait. I don't know how, but it will - maybe its 2006, maybe i have got my eyes open further and am more willing to see it - or maybe both. Either way it smells good.

So Merry Christmas and all the unexpected things God can throw at you in a year, for 2006.......!!!!!

got my stuff from manchester this weekend - happy days. my room is now my own, and even though i don't have huge buckets of stuff, the more personal touch can totally change a room!!

The dream wall is still under construction, but am looking forward to seeing it form. new wall, new year new dreams!!!! come on!!!

Am currently spending time at boiler. In true boiler style this involves much tea drinking, nattering and chilling out... oh and some prayer too. out for curry down brick lane tonight with random boiler people - much fun to be had.

other than that life is good. going home to the sea and hills of dorset on friday so am v excited. meeting parents at the airport - tissues at the ready.

Feels like i have been given a gentle intro to life in london before the new year and all that it holds in store. But loving london and all its london-ness......

nothing else to report.
wanting snow.

its a bit rough, but my thoughts for today

The bus drives past
I count my change
Not a ride or a sandwich
For 27p, not a crumb
And so I stow it
And plod on

My feet ache
The sreet continues
Buses fly past
Houses stand tall
Warm and smug

Other days i have sat
On bus tall
Or cafe warm
To turn to see a walker
Plodding ever on
Or sitting, exhausted
With blankets wrapped around
Sodden, dirty.

Pity rose, compassion flooded
The gangle of coins
Yet warm, dry and moving
I continued
On my speedy way
Not so them.

Now however I am one
Little keeps me from that fate
Only faith andpatient Grace.
We are the same
Only flesh and bones
Yet simple paper and coins
Changes everything

PLatforms are made,
To distinguish or remove
Some from the biting reality
Of an empty purse
And sore feet
Humanity at its most human
Yet most hidden
But why hide
Who we truely are
Naked, shivering and broke
Only then can we not
Hide who He
Truely is.

reality bites

so been here just over 2 weeks and it is starting to hit me a bit. So many people. bobins!!! Its like walking down market st in manchester, on a saturday, all the time!!!!

Hackney has character, quite the same feel as heald place - ghetto one might say. but its good, i love the feel of it.
Am currently sat in the boiler after having a fun time with jude and george. It seems that crazy boiler ideas are being sent from heaven to all 3 of us, seperately. fun. so we shall see where it goes, but there is space for me to do some stuff here, help out.

Missing manchester a lot today. being able to see people with ease, walk places with ease as opposed to walking for miles. cozy places. my room is not quite yet my own, need to get my stuff from manchester.

Learning lots about the poor at the mo, and what it means to be on the other side of the city. not the side seen on the postcard. the hidden side. Just really impacting me, mainly because i have about 27p. Am really peaceful about it, but know that there are somethings you can't learn or see or feel when you have a bus fare or food for a coffee.

So there are many more challenges but in a really good amazing way. God is being super as normal (a great english word that, super). Life feels colourful and hidden but growing all at the same time. Not found a green place in hackney, but the suggestion of churches sounds good - thanks, (although i don't actually recogn who you are...)

oh and congrats to paul and penny for the arrival of Lucy Hope. beautiful.

london

so i am here at last......

its good. am enjoying the change, but it is so big i can't seem to get my head round it fully. so many people, so many faces...... can get a bit much. but there is a v cool vibe, and i love it.

am staying in pimlico for the next few days before i move into a new house in hackney. been to camden town - love it. seems to be a totally bonkers place where people from all over the world just come and do their thing.

am not making much sense, but it is 10 am and i am having to rush. soz.

but am learning to get about, even without the use of my a-z. well done me! trying to find still or even vaguely quiet places here is clearly my challenge for the next wee while. or finding something green and living.... the city parks and i are already becoming firm friends!!

Have met Jude, who runs the city boiler - what a raondom but great idea. a boiler room on the edge of the square mile!! Hoping to help out there..... even though it is a v hard place to buy milk and bread on a sunday!! (have tried, the only thing open is McD's)

Saw the constant gardner last night - a v good movie in every way i can imagine! Great acting, photography - all good. but made me realsie how much i love africa and long for it to be free.....

anyway time is short so must dash. hope some of the above makes sense....

Its beautiful here, but freezing!!!!!

It's high noon
As the far sun
Barely streaches over rooftops,
Causing long winter shadows.

Grey skies
Interupted with flash
And springs of colour
As trees,
In autumn splendor
Shake off last year
In hope of greater things.

In nakedness they stand
Tall and proud
Disregarding such mortal offspring
Which, like pages of time
Fall, one by one.
Their final act.
From treetop heights,
Withstanding gale and rain,
To gentle descent
Amoung comrades,

Where they become
Canvas to frosty
Morning dew,
Outlining their delicate frame.

Birds, their waters transfixed
By winters sudden arrival,
Skate over watery depths
As icey creaks
Join bird song.

Coming here
As leaves fall
And frost nips
Calls to remembrance
Times steady passing,
Whiich all our innovation
Cannot cease.

And so we pause,
Soaking up nature's wealth,
In the hope
That we too
Could be so effortlessly sublime.

holiness?

been reading a book called "The challenge of Jesus". I may have mentioned it before because I am loving reading it. In it the author, Tom Wright, discussing, amoung other things, the fact that Jesus was totally subversive (i think thats the right word for it) in everything He did. Always challenging the status quo. But in both obvious and really sublte ways that would only make sense if you were a first century Jew living under occupation.

As a bunch of friends who want more of God, we have been thinking about consecration and holiness. So there has been prayer and talking and challenge. All good. But what does holiness mean in this culture?

In Jesus' time the Pharisees thought they had holiness down to a T - all the outward signs said they had. So in todays day and age it would look like a bunch of people not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, sleeping around and defo staying away from non Christians - ie 'sinners'.

But Jesus came along and asked for a holiness which was not like that. He asked us to get in with the sinners and remember mercy and love - which clearly the P's had totally forgotten. But Jesus also challenged, not only the religous culture of the day, but also the regime of the day - the Romans.

What is the regime of today? What are we, the general people (not just the church, but that too) being opprressed by. What is it that is dominating the way we think, talk and live. What is it that is imposing its ideas about life, culture and civilisation on us. What gods are we being forced to worship and what ceasars do we have to bow to??

I am beginning to realise that there are all the really obvious ones - materialism, wealth and celebrity. These were also around at the time of Jesus - and are signs of an empire just about to decline (so say historians). But what about the more sublte ones - the ones which are bigger than us and our cities. The ones that are so big that they streach across countries and continents...

Because if i am to be consecrated to God, I want to be aware of them, challenge them and hopfully in the process, allow others to get free of them to.

I realised that when I first came to Manchester i was introduced to this whole idea through friends and things like Adbusters. But for some reason it just fell of my mental map. I can't work out if it was me being lazy or if it was a lack of space for it in life and relationships in general. But i want to carve out that space again, learn how to live this life out of a heart of love for God and people, not one of militancy (as seen in the anarchists) and destruction.

Holiness can't just be internal, it must have manifestations in my everyday life that reveals to people that I do not serve the same god or system. That I am free from it.

All this would be much easier if I lived in a cave. Or not.... 1)i would be on my billy tod, so making no impact, just more of a statement to people who once knew me. 2)i guess much of this stuff is just residing in my mind through mindsets and ideas. So i could be in a cave, but still servant to someting other than God.

all this was inspired, along with other things, by a quick trip to the Howies clothing web page (www.howies.co.uk). I want to discover holiness that liberates and revolutionises continents.

So should be pretty straight forward then...... haha

Notes

I was shopping in boots recently while trying to buy shower gel. Not complicated I know. So i picked up one bottle and, wanting to have a quick smell, i gave the bottle a v gentle squeeze, at which point a huge blob came out and splattered me on the nose, and then down my jacket...... i could feel the lady behind the cash desk giggling at me. So trying to recompose myself I realise i have no tissue and have to try to clean myself by other means.

so in the ensuing flurry, trying to maintain any last trace of respect, I choose a different type of shower gel and go to a different cash desk. So imagine my continued embarressment when using the newly purchased shower gel, i step out of the shower surprised by the pong of alpine-toilet duck aromas.......Not good.

Green "refresh" radox - false advertising if there ever was!!!!

Also a new helpful hint - storing tea bags of any desctription (esp Mint ones) above the kitchen sink is a receipe for a soggy disaster!

Other random things worthy of note from this week
- I have discovered quite a wide selection of hankies in my undies draw. Anyone who even thinks about a lifestyle of prayer should have one or be sponsered by Kleenex!! I have Santa and my Dad to thank.....
- why would anyone have 5 bra straps? Not even connnected to bras, just the straps. and 5 (a disconcerting number for such things). Well me - the secrets of my undies draw laid bare..... weird i say!

- also found an undeveloped film from goodness know when - so am looking forward to seeing the pics.
- was in Liverpools boiler room this weekend. Well I say boiler room. Its more rooms, or complex even. One could go so far as to say a hotel that just happened to enjoy praying people coming to stay. Us manchester people came a touch over prepared - many layers of clothing and sleeping bags. They have beds and heating!!!

Its a boiler - but not as we know it!! So we had much fun and tea, hopefully even the dead batteries got started.

As for manchester - could it be dreamers are dreaming again?

As for me - I'm still here.

congrats

realsied on bonfire night that i was not here in Manchester last year... took me a while to work out why. But i was in Greece chilling out at Resa and Krister's wedding. Congrats on your first year.

Also congrats to tony drago who as of tomorrow is 25!!!! oh my, happy birthday beautiful

yup, still in manchester. and i forgot just how much it rains here. it really does.

But since i last wrote i have realised i have been pushing out of old manchester boxes and looking for a new space. (a bit like the slightly overused catapiller - butterfly analogy). so its been hard, but feel like maybe something is shifting. The boxes you're in never feel small till you try to get out.

Also feel challenged to let go of the good i know of God in order to recieve the best. Exciting but am finding it hard, mainly down to lack of trust that He will give me the best rather than just leave me empty handed. But i am realising the way he fills our hands isn't ness what or how we would have guessed.
sneeky, but good.

oh and sorry for all the typos in the last entry. dyslexic typing.....

I am trying to leave, honest! It just seems that i often pick dates which clash with the almighty's calender. And I defo don't want to be doing that.

So after a week of getting a tad frustrated in the effort of pushing against His hands, I then realsied what on earth I was doing, decided against it and chilled out.

Now feeling much more peaceful. As anna h said - just wait for the green man!!

so sometime in the next wee while i shall be off - but am no longer rushing or pushing. Just sat here as the night sky is lit with pops and colours and things. off for fire and food soon......

happy days

for all the sun babies

this post is lovingly dedicated to all my friends who moan about the cold wet british winter when africa or a small tropical island is much more suitable!!!!

In the Observer mag this sat one of the columns was talking about "reverse SADo's" - ie people who LOVE the winter.

The writer in question (Barbara Ellen) is taling about the change of season from summer to autumn

"now, though, things are v different - the world is so beautiful it takes your breathe away. Leaves falling from the trees, puddles as permenant fixtures, fresh chilly mornings, face slapping breezes, lots of excuses to wear coats, boots and plum red scarfs........And, day or night you can walk around without worrying that the heat is going to melt the nose straight off your face! (at this point i wondered if she had a real nose!)

But i still agree - i love the heat, but there is something about winter. Lying in bed with ONE toe (big one on left foot) freezing cold, air so cold inside your nose hurts, getting up while its dark, being inside when its dark in big jumpers with hot tea, going out in said coat and scarf, only to find that the sun comes out, you roast alive and arrive at destination looking hot and bothered - not fresh and wind swept as hoped!!!

So not so much that last one.... but still i love it.

This time of year also brings about a Watson tradition - Bonfire treacle toffee!!! I got a huge bag full of it this morning. Thanks mum (there go my teeth!)

So to all my frineds all over the planet, just to say i hope you are loving the sun. I am loving the cold and not at all jealous (well, not much haha).

Who said chivalry?

Before anyone decides to start rumours about me (HDC) i thought i would step in with my quote of the week....

" I have a real thing about men " - which taken out of context could be a bit tricky!!!!

What i actually meant by the above is I have a real thing about men being Men. I am not even sure what that means or looks like. But I do get frustrated when I see guys being prevented from (or in some cases just not bothering) being the Men they are meant to be.

Last week I had a really good conversation in which a friend and i discussed the old fashioned notion of 'chivalry' - does it still apply in our post modern, empowered women world?? Do we want men to treat us well, opening doors, paying for drinks, buying us roses etc..... or do we want to be seen as equals with them, splitting everything by half and stuffing old traditions as crushing to the "weaker sex".

Tricky..... I don't know any woman who wants to be seen as weak, but then again i don't know many who don't like being treated really nicely, treated like they are worth something to the guy in question.
I think a whole lot of good came out of feminism (i say at this point that i know v little about the movement so may have picked up the wrong end of the stick!!), we got to vote, equal pay and rights which expanded our world to go beyond the school run and the kitchen. We have so many things that so many women in the world do not have - and that is something i am really grateful for.

But did it maybe go a bit too far?? Did we, in saying that we can do anything a man can, make men a bit redundant. Or at least feel like they are easily expendable - who needs a man when we can multi-task to such an incredible degree? Perhaps that is why so few men feel empowered to be who they really are - either there is no space for them to do that (due to multi-tasking, all powerful woman in their lives) or that even if they did try, a woman would come and do it anyway, so why bother!!

So somehow I want to encourage the men in my life (Dad, brothers, in Christ) to be all they can. Does that mean me being weak? the damsel in distress looking for a knight to come and save me - only from the dishes!! No. well not totoally i don't think.

I think it means recognising that neither me or the men, can be all we are meant to be without the other sex. We both need to partner, together, to get to the end. That means me trusting him, and not taking control, while he values what I have to bring to the partnership and allowing our gifts to compliment each other.

That will look so different in every relationship, friendship etc - but its defo something i am out to encourage in those i have the privaledge to be in.....This is defo not new thoughts, but just thought i would share mine. although the above is not complete or fixed. am open to suggestions!

Other exciting news includes I got a new camera bag (for xmas). Its Crumpler and ruby red..... it makes me smile a whole lot. It has v useful but ingenious pockets and velcro in all the right places. Has given me a great level of satisfaction. Thanks cate for leading the way!!! (and yes i probably need to get out more if i get so giddy about a camera bag. but i think cate will understand!)

Next week - packing and london........

my new motto - be realistic. Demand the impossible.

London seems like a good place to start living that one out!

moss side is strangely beautiful at 7 in the morning when the sun is only just starting to rise behind the clouds. It makes the sky a funny blue purple colour which somehow sits well with the bright orange street lights. everyone is asleep save for a baby crying, and two kids on bikes going down the middle of the road. why not - its empty!!!!

Its really peaceful and the birds are starting to twitter - its almost like its not moss side or something.

You know weekends are good when you see faveorite people, chill out in lovely ways (like reading in trof when surrounded by friends, noise and drinking a great hot chocolate), and then stay up half the night nattering about everything under the sun and drinking lots of t.

I have been trying to find a new winter coat - to no avail. They ar either grey and black (boring and far too london) or not really coats at all, not much thicker than a summer coat. boo.

but i did find a great bottle green one - thinking on that one. A friend of mine has some great winter coats though, perhaps i should ask her.

Mum is flying over this week to do the christmas shopping - she's the most organised santa i have ever known, sometimes she starts in febuary.
More exciting than christmas shopping and the christmas market here (which i will miss, boo!) - my parents are returning to LIVE, in britain, after 10 long years in the desert. (now come on - there must be a prophetic word in there somewhere - how much biblical imagery does one need!!! they are even coming back from Egypt!)

I am v excited for them - they get to do normal things and remain in the same place for years on end, not needing to jump on a plane. Trust me - it can get reaaaally boring!!! So this christmas we will have even more reason to celebrate and eat lots of amazing mum food for days on end!!!! not only that but we will be in the hills and by the sea - oh my.