I have a vision, alteration

I had a vision

It was a big one, it covered continents and would last a lifetime. At its center was a longing to do what was right; to help the poor and marginalized and to be a radical peace maker, to be about Kingdom business and not church busy-ness, to bypass the normal and walk along the roads less travelled, to reject mediocrity and embrace the radical Jesus I met nine years ago.

However I was recently shocked to discover that for me it was all based on a rocky foundation. One of striving, of proving my love to God, of earning his acceptance, of letting him know how much i would do for him. But also of assuming to know what that meant, what it might look like, to serve him and love him. Obviously it meant doing BIG things for him

On return from Ch. that was all undone. The idols of what I could do for God had to go.

He wanted to be my vision. He wants to fill my line of sight, so that all I see is Him.


I may, or may not, go and do all of the above. I hope to live them for sure. But it may well be in the small and unseen ways of just living life as an ordinary radical, resting in His love.

If he calls me away, it will be as friends, not as the master shouting at the striving servant. If he doesn't call, then I will have lost nothing, but gained him.
So as i staple the 100th booklet of carols together and wonder what it is all about I remember not what I can do for God, but what he has done for me. For now, that's enough.

Something I heard recently...

"Deconstructionism.

Its destruction(ism) with a con at its centre."

Discuss.
Wha'dya think.....

I would rather be a nobody, living nowhere special, doing a nothing job and know His love, than go to some far flung place to do some big ass thing and know nothing.

trains

I feel like I am sat on a train which is passing by a fence or forest or something. It causes the light to flash if its a sunny day - from overwhelmingly bright to deep gloomy grey, all of a sudden. In and out, light and dark.

Thats how I'm feeling. Either feeling fine and cheery, as per the past few months, or really not. Its disorientating, exhausting and I don't know where I am half the time. Its has also led to what some might see as a productive cleaning streak. Its true, I have cleaned a lot, my hands now stink of bleach and the house is cleaner than it has been in decades (who knew that dust could sit on walls?). But it has been more of a manic, must keep busy, type action than a determined effort to be domestic.

And so the trouble comes when I sit still, when thoughts collide in my head and sprinkle shrapnel over my heart.
I'm hoping its just a being bored, end of august thing.

I'm hoping the train stops soon, its hurting my head.

feeling pulled between two different worlds and lives and ways of doing things currently. It seems to be how things will go for me here - and thats cool i guess, but just a bit uncomfortable....

and it leads me to an ever constant reminder to walk my own walk, with integrity and a judgment free heart; neither totally dismissing one and fully embracing the other, or vice verca, but seeing the good and the God in both, how ever contradictory!

i had a long chat with a friend recently. We got chatting about possible jobs for me down here in london.....

It was a good chat. She spoke, I listened, cried and tried to work out this muddlesome world. A week later its still going round my head, but not about the choice to be made (job or not), but about what we were really talking about.

Its been bugging me and I only realised today - we were talking about living from the heart. about being real and having integrity, even when asked to be in odd places and be an unfamiliar shape.

I have to be honest - part of me doesn't want to live from the heart. It seems to be the bit that gets rejected, ignored and broken the most. Its easier without it. Then it can be about what I know. I never have to make any real choices because I never know it all. I can sit on the fence til I have heard all sides of the story.....

But am I actually living?
These last few months I have been really happy, read lots of good books and had lots of great conversations. But nothing really moved me. I may be alive, but I may be lacking integrity.

I am not sure how to do that here. I don't know that I have the courage, to face those fears, to be that person.


But thank you for the reminder. I appreciate it.

"In solitude we can come to the realisation that we are not driven together but brought together. In solitude we come to know our fellow human beings not as partners who can satisfy our deepest needs, but as brothers and sisters with whom we are called to give visibility to God's all-embracing love.
In solitude we discover that community is not a common ideology, but a response to a common call.
In solitude we indeed realise that community is not made but given."

Henri Nouwen, Clowning in Rome

you spend enough time in a place and it'll either eat you up or spit you out.

and the scary thing is you don't realise until its almost too late. Its not like being eaten by a shark, with teeth and thrashing etc... no, much more deadly like sleep walking off a pier or something (don't laugh, for some its a possibility....ask the editor for details).

I got woken up this weekend and was shocked to realise how far down a throat I was.

It starts slowly with small bends and compromises in thoughts and expectations, nothing major, but it'll make life easier.

Then you're dreaming different dreams, big house, big dog, steady pay packet.

Dreams start influencing choices and you let go off the excess, the in the way bit (like chopping off grissle if we want to continue the eating picture). and thoughts you swore would not dominate your head, begin to seep in like mold (so if i want to live here, with house prices as they are I need a wage so large to pay the mortage, so better go find me a HUGE wage....).

the bit of you thats awake and not sleep walking, gets quieter but sits stubbornly in the corner and cries. Thank goodness for that!!

Because after a while, as your toes hit the tonsils, you wake up and realise this is not what you were made for - to try and fit in other peoples boxes, their dreams, or the ones you thought would make you happy. all that will happen is that you get eaten and have a bit of you quietly crying.

So, I guess I'll pick up my grissle, be an awkward shape and get spat out of here.....

There's dirt on the window
Rubbish on the street
Narrow roads limit the sky
And silence has not been heard
Since we started here.

Yet as I climb
With creaks
And close myself in
I begin to soar.
My hair scrapes the ceiling
But I could run for miles.

There's only one star
In the orange tinted dusk
But it's enough
A reminder.

As I close my eyes,
Expanse opens ahead.
The traffic roar
Is turned to a dull drone
As stillness rushes on me
Like a crowd.

I rest
Yet intrigued
I long to tred deeper
Where do you end?
Where do you lead?

This foolish mind restricts
Your limitlessness.
I stumble
Like a blind senseless brute,
Desperate to be free
Of those restraining lines.

Unused to space
To freedom
My steps unsteady
But courage grows
As those voices quieten,

And soon I'm running.
No idea where
Forwards, sideways
Onwards,
And joy rises
As the unseen
Becomes the explored.

Note to self

coming out of the cold induced fuzz that was my brain i discover some things...

firstly; my room is a total mess. A week of living in PJ's has not been good for the laundry and tidying prospects. never mind. life is bigger.

secondly; when did i last feel alive. what last moved me?? when did i last need to sing my heart out in order to express something of what was going on inside. when did i last have a conversation that had me thinking for days after. when did i really really laugh. when did i really cry. when did i pray beyond words. when did i view god afresh and it take my breathe away. when was i last really grateful to be alive and thankful for this life i lead?

or have i just been moaning. have i just been dashing through, one pay check to the next. have i been silencing thoughts in order to have space to eat and sleep and work. have i been surrounded by crowds, noise, i-pod drone, tv static, soul static, traffic jams and washing machines, deadlines, obligations, life draining compulsions, fast food friendships and coffee froth faith.

when did i last dream and see it as a possibility rather than an escape from reality. When did i last see mighty walls of injustice and shout them down. When did i last see the walls?
When did i last do an random act of kindness. when did i last pray for someone and mean it more for them than for me. When did i last smile at a stranger, or go out of my way to help someone without that begrudging, this is such a nuisance vibe, coming out of my every pore. When did i last sit on a park bench without looking at my watch. when did i sit in a coffee shop and waste a few hours in books, in conversation, in being.

when did i last notice i was breathing?

Only now I notice I haven't been fully alive.

that same old theme

can you believe I am still trying to learn this lesson...... its not about what I do!

been really wrestling with my job recently (until I have 2 days of filing and I realise kids screaming in your face is better by far haha!!)

anyway...... its slowly dawning on me that as ever it is not about what I do, but rather continuing to discover who I am. I first thought this was horribly selfish, but I realise that in London its quite a shocker.

I don't work to earn lots of money or to climb that far off ladder to some unknown destination. But instead, this job gives me a chance to read lots of books, find out what I think of things, learn what I enjoy, dream and love people around me with a bit more energy than I might otherwise have.

I am released from that pressure to perform, to win, to get the next biggest, best whatever. Not to say that I don't do my job well, or look to learn and improve, or that seeking those things are bad in themselves.......


So many people spend years dashing about earning lots of dosh but never quite having the time to enjoy it or enjoy life. I am not saying life should be one big knees up. Not at all. But as Howies say..... there are only 5 people in your life you get to know really well. Shouldn't one of them be you??

I always thought I should know myself by now - but clearly the learning has only just begun.
But I don't think its cool to be self indulgent or selfish - however what if by knowing yourself and walking in the freedom from pressure that that brings, you free others. What if by loving life and walking with light steps you help people realise there are other ways to walk instead of dashing, or plodding with ever increasing heaviness.

I don't want to become a late 20 something who is cynical and narked that life is not full of the promise that I saw ten years before.

But amongst all the rushing and worry I feel around this town, I want to walk with eyes seeing even more promise and adventure ahead of me, not less. Not just work, mortgage payments and a pension......these are all good but not it. Not life, not me.

Finally I see He is letting me be me, but I had not heard him for all the other voices. But now what I hear most clearly amongst the rabble is "further up and further in".

maybe the adventure has only just begun.......

Life seems really full of lots of different things right now - it seems hard to know where to start. the art course continues to be a real release and an eye opener. It seems that my problem is not ideas so much as the application of said ideas onto paper. But that is just skill and I guess will come with time.

Am reading and thinking a lot about fundamentalism, in all its forms at the mo, and what I would do if i was faced with it. A challenge to love and radical peacemaking...... but am I that chilled out in the heat of the moment? A stressful day at school shows me up as not being there yet, when I would rather shout at a girl for what she is doing, than deal with it 'kingdom style'.

On a different note however I am journeying with some of the CG guys here, through the beatitudes and that whole chunk of Matthew. Its amazing what God is doing in all of us as we take ourselves back to the root of this gospel and look at its building blocks. I find myself looking at the bible differently, at God with new eyes and seeing the goggles I put on. Its refreshing and painfully challenging. But I am relishing moving forward with a random bunch of people on a common path.

In all of this though I find London has been forcing me to rush through life and book my diary two weeks ahead. That is not who I want to be, and an exhausting week shows me why. So the plan for November is to get back to basics, back to what this blog is all about - simplicity.

In Life, in God and in Love.

happy half term!!!! hurrah!!!

Some people might say that the teaching establishment is plain old lazy for having so much holiday. A few years ago I might have even agreed with them. But then I entered it, had a term of work and slept for 3 days!!! So to those of you questioning our holidays..... its blooming exhausting!

Ok preach over. Yes I am enjoying my holiday thanks.

But i figure I should catch up with my life.....

Loving school, but teaching jobs remain elusive, so i am going to focus on working with physically disadvantged kids instead...... it is super rewarding anyway. so no worries there.

Loving my new house and the community of city gates..... lots of thinking and talking and doing re community and all that. Learning so much from these guys and how they work and love and live.... its a great challenge. But i love it.

Going to Art classes.... creative painting for beginners. Loving it. The first time I went I felt so totally free and weirdly courageous. loved being able to experiment and try new things and colours etc. Last week though was more of a challenge. I feel like I paint like I am in primary school. Its not at all representing what I feel. Also we are painting lots of still life etc - think I am more abstract than that - still it is good to learn the techniques etc. who knows where it might lead me!!!

Having read a book and an article sent to me (thanks) re women in the middle east who are risking life and limb to stand up for the rights of women in Afganistan and Iran, I have been really challenged and inspired. The life of Nobel peace prize winner Shrin Ebadi (her book is Iran Awakening) is amazing...... but what struck me most was not the cases she took to court, the people she represents or the injustice she brings to light (although all these are in themselves amazing), it is the tiny choices she makes every day to stand in integrity to what she believes. She is civil, holy and compassionate, even when dealing with the most monstrous of evils. She has failed and sees change at only snail pace. But through her life and those she represents she has sown seeds of the idea of rights and justice into the people of her country, which will no doubt reap a crop long after she has left us.

Both her and a woman MP from Afganistan realise that their life is as nothing in comparison to what they are fighting for. It has become and is bigger than themselves, but is impacted so strongly by how they live, the choices they make, the words they speak and the actions they live out.

My question - am I willing to do the same??

community is yet again challenging and humbling me. I really love it, however scary it might feel.

The guys here are great, for so many different reasons. But the main being they just love.

I turn up here and they just open their arms and love me.
But what strikes me is that it is not hinged on approval. I think I have been looking for approval in some shape, way or form. So i get here and get scared because they don't need to approve me to love me. they just do. and freely.

its almost shocking.

well for me anyway.

Cause i realise that this is how God loves. With no check list, no conditions, no certificate or anything...... he just does.
Its not like applying for a bank loan..."excuse me Lord, I would quite like you to pay off my debts please". At which point he checks your previous behavior and likely ability to reoffend. Oh sorry, it looks like you screwed up too much in the past and your current career is not suitable for the life of a Holy Joe. Approval denied.

Nope. Not him......

huh.

other than that life is quite good. bed is big and muscles are aching from first round of basketball in years....

apologies for my last blog...... don't get me wrong. I am excited about my new room, it is a real gift and i know it.

but i am fairly sure i was not created to get excited about a new bedroom! I, we, all of us, were made for more important things.... it is frustrating that life in london forces you to down size in so many ways.

Today in a training day at school I was struck by the futility of it all.... my whole dept was sat round the table trying to work out how to help the life of this one young girl..... to put things in perspective..... over half my school is poor enough to be able to receive free lunches (and even breakfasts) and most of that half live in the worst 30% of housing in Britain. So life is not great for them even before they reach the school gates.

I don't want to bring a wrong comparison or belittle the poverty of those I am about to mention, but merely to say that hearing about some of the situations today reminded me a bit of the IDP camps in northern uganda. Now in so many ways they are not even on the same scale....... but in terms of childrens lives being screwed over and me just sitting there and trying, in vain, to lift the sheer weight of oppression off them. thats where they are the same....

But it is so frustrating because there is so little i can do.

We spent a brief while flicking through the exam results today (not that relevant in our dept), only to find some the girls had exceeded our expectations.... they managed a couple of low level grades between them. A 'great success'.

for who i ask? for us, because we "added value"? For them, because now they fit the mold a little bit, even if badly. (they make everyone else feel better, so lets force them in the mold).

Would it not be better, rather than force them on a track which will only belittle them, make them feel worthless, not pay them enough to live on and leave them struggling..... would it not be better to help them carve out a new shape, a new path..... one that leaves them growing in a the sun rather than left to rot in the shadows. One that encourages dignity and esteem based on who one is rather than what one does.

Not that it will be free of struggles - but ones that they know they can overcome, rather than struggles that they know will only end in an 'F' (which we then falsely tell them is great!!).

..... i know, i know. a first frustrated day back.
and a rant. just had to get it out. was and still is, giving me a head ache.

answers on a postcard.

little green street, a new home

sometimes there are just no words.......

when you have your own double room with your duvet out and aired and your stuff littering the room. when you lie on your pillows and are able to stretch easily in every direction. When you have a window and a desk, a garden and roses, and even space for a window box of your own.

back in london, another room (my 5th i think) but the same odd assortment of things. Unpacking them however i realise life has been good in London. For a start my wardrobe has increased (not that hard really) and i have not found this city to be the isolating, lonely place people tell me. It may be lacking some of my more favorite nutters...... but it makes up for it in so many other ways. the NLC, a funny bunch, but so lovable and so loving.

So i know not what is coming up - but some readers will be excited to know the next 4 months will include...... some art school classes and no doubt a few parties. so please pop on down for the 15th, its the house warming of the lovely little green street!!! Hurrah!!!
(not the whole street i hasten to add, just no 6).

so it appears the long holidays are drawing to a close.....

I can't say I have done anything too exciting with them. No great adventure to the great unknown or unscaled mountain peaks climbed or anything.
But I have sat here with my crumblies (as my folks are affectionately known), done some gardening, made copious amounts of jam and otherwise got a little bored. Not in a bad way I don't think. In a way that is very hard to do in the middle of London. There are always things to do so having nothing to do is perhaps a good way to rest.

So next week is London, a new house, old job and perhaps a new hobby or two......beyond that I can't really tell. My heart is beginning to yearn for adventure again..... but perhaps this year it is adventure of a different sort. Discovering the unknown inside as opposed to out there, somewhere. The time for that will come too.......

A book making me v excited at the mo... the life of Gertude Bell (great name)... a Victoiran woman who defied tradition and went off into the desert looking for and finding an adventure her gender could only dream off..... (she then went on to help establish modern Iraq and was the source of many of todays problems.... but no ones perfect hey!!)

still, the idea of riding solo into the desert..... oh it still entrances me, just as it did her 100 years ago.

Holey buckets

Its funny how small things build up to something more enormous, like a cm a day of earth movements at plate boundaries can lead to giant earthquakes (or more minor ones in manchester! which is still amazing considering....anyway, back to the point)

So quantum leap by quantum leap.... its not like its anything major; short shorts that i said i would never wear, hair a different way, more writing and creative ideas springing off the walls. But its what these things represent that is important....

I realise as i step back from destructive things around me and draw a line, good must be the result.

Its like Liberty is being etched into my heart.... not marked in a bloody or sore way but a creative one, like the word is showing off or something.
Like a break in the surface of the earth can only create new land
or a new course for a river
or, like a red bucket being punctured with a nail, to give it holes all over. Now a useless bucket. We had lots of buckets already. But one where water flows out and catches the light - its beautiful

Useless and totally beautiful.
Thats liberty in me.
and its only just begun to put holes in my bucket.

i was speaking to two people who work in the middle of the middle of nowhere. you find a map and they are the furthest from the sea, blighty and cream teas anywhere... (this is not a fact, but they really do live v far away.).

Anyway, i asked them if they enjoyed it, living over there..... as I am thinking of doing something similar sometime and they said "why would we want to do anything else."

now that is my sort of answer... its not about socks and sandals, or any other poor preconceptions i might have - but about living life fully, even if you're hearts desire is to be somewhere completely inaccessible surrounded by people who speak a language few others do.

because anywhere else would just be compromise.

so this is my new back garden. Lush isn't it.

I sat there this avo after a day in school and watched a wee spider start to make a web, a butterfly fluttering everywhere and a small toad, which had leapt into a candle glass full of water.... it was so chilled. I love it.

it then started to rain, so i trotted inside. But it is nice to know its out there just waiting for me.

School is beginning to rub, I realised over the last week or so. It could be I am tired and need a holiday, the same with the girls. Or it could be that I am finding things about the way school happens which don't quite sit with me. I know people need to be taught, and they need to have someone to teach them. But do the need someone to tell them stuff, or should they discover it for themselves..... I find myself increasingly frustrated by girls not wishing to learn, only just willing to be told. It sucks. What happened to creative learning and initiative.....

No answers...... just an observation.

For now however I have a pot full of dreams brewing, with all their associated problems, and my lovely garden. I guess I just have to keep on hoping and stop being so old or som'it.