great days

what can i say - have just had the best few days in ages....

went up to whistler to ski, its totally amazing up there. clear air, huge mountains and forests.... i could try and describe it but it totally would not do it justice - suffice to say God was having a good day when he made the rockies!!!!

My ski-ing was not great but soooo much fun. laughed a lot when wiping out. Enjoyed the amazing silence, pushed myself hard in terms of speed and challenging my own fear - felt so exhilerated by it all...... now i ache. all over.

I am all up for more adventures and my body goes 'on your own mate, i'm done!!" so its going to be a few days of mind over muscle pain... but it was soo worth it!!!

Ozza and i hitched back last night with a guy who had the most amazing blue eyes. we then walked over lions gate bridge for sun set, then sat on English bay looking at the stars and the sea - where else can you go from opuntain top to see level in a day!!!! on the way back we picked up a great falafel and stopped into ER for her stitchs - she had 3 from 10 days ago. A meat chopping blade... ouch! But a bit silly though, it wasn't even on or moving.... in true oz style!

so a great weekend. now i have a few days enjoying the sun of vc - it is v sunny here. yipeeee. am not even thinnking about england yet - the local beauty and body pain have got my attenion for now.

hobbling

today felt truely felt like a holiday - i was noticebly more chilled than the last few.... horrah!

The sun has come out, which is great, but most of the mounts are still in clouds. but the water and bits of hill that i can see from the roof, look amazing in the light. Not doing much, just hanging out and hobbling everywhere... somehow, and i have no idea how, i hurt the arches in my foot, so its seriously sore to walk. but its kinda good - an exercise in slowing right down. not so good a am meant to be ski-ing tom - so out with the tigerbalm and on with the prayer!!!

Remembering that north americans only tend to eat carbs and MEAT!!! (what would atkins say).... and it feels like they nly serve tea to be polite, but not because they like it! SO bring on some fresh fruit. saying that though i went to grenville island market yesterday - its great and huge and i would sooo shop there if i lioved here. its got loads of diff stuff, all local and from the farmers - so there wal mart!

Being over here is also showing me what an english person i am (the good and bad). but also that somehow i have allowed it to seep into my relationship with God. He is many things - but a polite english gent is not one of them (although, for the picky of you out there He does have traits found in a polite english man...)

I find myself craving, to His relief i suspect, a real relationship with Him. Not something oh so polite and english - but real and raw and if needs be, noisey, messy and rude!!! So far its been a bit scary but refreshing all the same.

As i discovered afresh thihs morning, and in the words of bridget jones diary (the film) - He loves me, just the way I am.... even if that means stinking of tiger balm ( as i currently am) and eating way too many muffins - cause they are v good over here....

other than all that life is good. ozza is well but looking forward to getting out of here and her job. We are enjoying many glasses of fine red wine and just catching up..... sometimes its just better face to face.

today the roof garden - tomorrow the mountains!!!!!

hols in the rain

so i have inherited the 'twitchy traveller syndrome' from my dad - give yourself at least 3 times the amount of prep time before travel in order that you don't miss your plane - but are left waiting for agggggggessssss!!!

so packed my bag and room on monday morning - with lots of time to spare. then caught the plane to vancouver..... yipeee. but who should be getting on the plane at the same time as me - the one and only Colin Firth!!!! I stood 5 feet from Mr Darcy!!

I am not normally a celeb spotter - in fact the whole idea of it is a bit wierd to me..... but knowing that quite so many of my friends fully appreicated the bbc addaption of P and P - i figured you would all be exicted by this rare spotting! I also saw ant and dec on the way back from Manchester - but bothered!

So Vancouver is mostly rainy!!!! there rae mountains, so i have been told... but they are currently hiding behind said rain clouds. But if its raining here then its snowing in Whistler - where i shall be heading on fri night for a day of pure bliss - ski-ing!! oh my i just can't wait!!!

Ozza and i are eating like kings and drinking lots of lovely redwine - happy days!! while she works I wonder about, generally getting lost and soaked in the huge forest which to hard canadians is just a small park. today though i am just staying in a bit longer til the rain has passed its worst!!

Manchester this weekend was great - lots of firm friends all in one place. I realise now that when i was there i totally took for granted the amazing gift that was my life there. I spent sunday cooking and chatting with 2 friends - haven't done that for ages. really missed it - felt sooooo loved after! But made me realsie what an exceptional time i had there - being able to do that all the time - its just not possible so much in london. or here in VC according to ozza.....

so we are both missing life in manchester but defo looking forward to the next thing. for oz is brazil, for me - london?? but different i hope. we shall see. for now its mainly muffins and hot chocolate, even though it feels warmer here than england....

so realised that i have spent the last few weeks in a worry induced fog..... totally not good. wrecks my perspective and peace, joy and general fun-ness. boo to worry.

but - i had a lady bird in my bedroom. totally surprised me and then i got totally lost watching it... it was like a little 4x4 going over my bobbly carpet. so cute, and v condusive to all round sense of well being and peace.

but why are they called lady birds? and not lady bugs?? perhaps the namer thought it was more polite or something. i wonder how the male lady birds feel about it?

maybe i need to get out more....

booked travel insurance, beginning to get v excited about general holiday vibe. although i do have to sqeeze my bedroom into a few boxes over the next two days..... but with the airport and oria waiting i think i'll manage!!!

you know its been a long time when....

there is a layer of dust on your camera bag and you have no idea where you put your charcoals.....

after what can only be described as a heavy week i had a great weekend starting with wagga mamma's with jude, south bank with my camera and great light, hanging out with zanna, walking through parks and eating pizza with hatts....

great.

guitar playing going well, now have 6 cords.... still confused about the right hand rythmn thing, but no doubt i have my own style in this!
london is cold but with a dissapointing lack of snow - 5 flakes on last count! but no doubt vancouver will have more - whistler for sure. oh my - skiing. really can't wait......
but before that manchester and baby josh's dedication... horay. haven't seen those guys for ages. but missing the global family who seem quite far away at the mo.... thinking of y'all xxxx

so since i last wrote things have been a bit busy...

Helped out at soundcheck, SPEAK's national conference. it was great to get back into the speak family, and realsie just how much i love it and how much i believe in what they do, even if i am not the conference type. But seeing old friends and making new ones,while hearing some amazing people wrestle with the issues of power and the church.... great. a real chllenge. why should we, the church be looking to have power when the v guy we worship gave all his up in order to win after all.....

a paradox i just don't understand.

since then i have had two batches of pancakes (!!!) v scrummy, walked down the banks of the thames - really pretty, and been given tickets to go on holiday- to VANCOVER!!! so i am off to see the lovely ozza, who i miss heaps!!! horray for random God provision - who ever said he was stingy!!

So amlifting my eyes to what is coming, feel like a new thing is about to unfold,interms of work and vision. Am moving soon hopefully, and feel like after a few months of being introduced to London, i will soon be right in there, living life more fully than i am now.

Boiler stuff is going well, family being built. Am continuing to drink large volumes of tea and talk lots with jude - but feel that its a good time. in fact today we discussed that some of the most 'kingdom' things we have ever done have been while drinking a cup of tea. the stuff we think is great history shaping stuff is maybe not so important in this bonkers upside down kingdom that we are trying to find/build/usher in or someting.....

other than that life is good, if not v v cold. am loving the guitar at the mo - just a great new creative medium for me. and ejoying dreaming, without London squishing all thoughts of a different life.

a new month...... a new view.... and hopefully a bit more sun, cause i'm cold!

runied tea....

So got some new housemates this week -but we are not getting on well. They smell, use my room when I am in it, eat little corners off my food and scare us all - not my normal choice.

But i didn't have any - they invaded us. We have mice!!! urghhhhh
found one this week red handed. Was coming home after a long day when i thought i would have tea, crumpets and cake - a winner combo. As i open the bread bin i notice little bits of foil by my nice foil wrapped, italien cake. On opneing it i see that it has in fact been nibbled on by the little bliters. So i sigh i go for the crumpets..... only to discover they too have been munched on. A perfect tea time in ruins!!!

So as i stand there and have a well earned sulk, i notice from the back of the bread bin two little black eyes peering out at me - the little thief is still in the bread bin!!! I didn't quite know what to do - shout at it in righteous, cake stolen rage, or scream and run a mile, 'cause well its a mouse and they scare me!!
So i did a combination - of screaming, and slamming down the front of said bread bin in frustration and anger. That showed him!! Well not really - now i was in said kitchen with a mouse still able to eat my cake and crumpets in my bread bin. Oh the injustcie of it all!!! So my house mate (a welcome one) and i decide to take action - by taking the breadbin and emptying it out onto the street in the hope the mouse will follow. Its not my normal way of things, emptying out bread and crumpets onto an urban street, but thats how they do rubbish here in hackney, and it does in fact get removed, which is a tribute to our council!
ANyway - we troop downstairs, and onto our strret. With the bread bin open, i chuck the contents out. As i do so, the slide door thing on the bin slams down, and i disocver to my horror that the uninvited guest is left there dangling by his tail, trapped in the breadbin door!!! At this poiunt i scream in a oh this is just horrid sort of way, drop the bin and give a bit of a shudder. Thew mouse runs away round the corner - no doubt straight back into the house, and the whole street stops to stare at the white girl who is screaming at bread!

If i had any street cred it would be gone by now. i don't so im not worried!
since then no mouse has been seen - they have perhaps taken pity on me and decided not to tourment me any more. But they should know that it is now war - you eat my crumpets, and you cross a line!
in the words of winston churchill - we will fight them on the breadbins, we will fight them in the kitchen corners...

perhaps i'm taking this too far. maybe i just need to get out, of london that is!!! Am off to oxford this wekend to see good old friends from uni, can't wait. fresh air and fun... nice!
and it finally seems that spring has sprung - still cold, but now sunny and not that awful grey hanging everywhere!

Anonimous amoung a heavy throng,
The forgotten and never seen
Theirs is the side street
Strewn with rubbish
Theirs the rotten park bench.

Not so the rich
With regents street
And oxford circus
Ever seen faces in venues plenty.

With two pennies between them
And a long walk home
Despair creeps in
Laying heavy hands
On stooping shoulders

Why hold a head high
When there is nothing to look for
Nothing coming on the horizon
Coppers are only found
At your feet

And even these tokens
Of light relief
Taste like gravel
In your parched mouth
They serve only as a reminder
Of your bitter position
The reality you facee
Of paving slab
And the frozen bites of wind

Light relief though
To those shedding weight
Of loose change and heavy conscience
Ever aware of your horrid state
They try to forget their own
throught world dulled senses

Paralysed by fear
And safe little cacoons
They limp past you
Expressing rigid helplessness
UNable to free themselves
From such binding comfort
They resist reaching out
Lest they come face to face
With themselves.

buses

i love them... they never fail top surprise or entertain me. Yesterday some kids broke open a stink bomb just as they got off the bus, in rush hour, leaving the rest of us to breathe in slightly rotten air. SOme of us found it quite funny, but the more serious minded thought it v immature - thats right, but they are Kids!!!!

another one this week had a not nice pong from a slight puddle of baby vom. so everyone out and cram onto the next one! a few days ago though, at quite an early hour of the morning, one guy was left asleep by his friend... so no doubt ended by in watford or somewhere, rather than at home in his bed! But people tend to talk more at 2am then 2 pm..... funny that you can spend so many hours of your life with random people and never talk to them. seems a bit rude.... oh how we love the british reserve!!

learning to play the guitar, even wrote a song today... but now my fingers really hurt and i have had to stop. boo. but i am surprised i never did it before, feels like the most natural thing in the world for me to do.

found an amazing house just off brick lane (london equiv of curry mile) that we would love to make a bit of a community house.
so am currently dreaming lots. and dreaming bigger.....

went to sleep last night and then woke up again this morning (usual i know) with the thought - dream bigger!!!

and so i shall....

a big lush, community, boiler, many roomed, huge kitchened house perhaps

a job, but bigger than i am seeing at the mo...

note to self - there are no limits to God, other than those we chose to put on Him!

this week...

so its ben an interesting week....

last weekend was one long chill time with hatts inc a great film, good food and lots of laughs.
There was then the setting off of the fire alarm in the boiler - pork kebabs! This would have been ok if it wasn't for the office upstairs working, or the fire brigade NOT coming, till we called them saying "don't come", at which point they have to!! Oh dear. But they were lovely and, well fire men!!!! ohhh.

Met up with an good firned from Manchester - always good. Had a phone crisis, not good. only then for the Lord to interviene in His timing - always good. if not a touch confusing at times!

Friday night was contempary dance - not me i might add. I just watched the performance. Was v cool... esp the one about violence against women. v v powerful!
Saturday was chilling with g and c
sunday was more chilling with friends and then going home with a huge bunch of flowers - left overs from a party! They are lush.

In all this has been the on-going 'find a job, career, life thing'..... which has been hard and frustrating at times. But more importantly than that I know there is something about knowing me in Him which He is doing.... which is way more important for now. Everything else will no doubt follow - but what would be the point if it wasn't going to Glofiy Him? and someone once said I most Gloify God when He is most Alive in Me!

So i think i am just finding out what that actually means.....

Dreams and reality

the dream - to somehow speak into global structures, in a constructive way, and call for justice....

the reality - there are mice in our house!!! oh and i live on a street called the murder mile (please don't tell my mum!)

so life is beginning to be filled with dreams. they are still quite shaky, and v out of focus but the are there none the less. now i just need to find a road to start to walk there....

London, other than its sky (perpetual grey), continues to give life in multi-colour and surround sound (not always good i might add!!). am loving finding the new creative side of me. well not new, just v well hidden. and really enjoying meeting new poeple and laughing v hard.
Job hunting continues
East london is v cool, although there is a real violence in the streets here (well in the spirit anyway) that i have not totally learnt to deal with yet. But at the same point i am beginning to see why..... the desperate poverty and harshness of reality here - not exactly the 1st world eutopia!!! But in the midst of it all generous community and pushing on through whatever.....

Its just such a contrast from the streets of Kensington and other such lovely places!! Not sure which one i prefer - maybe neither. maybe just something else.

But life is Good and am learning heaps at the mo....

currently reading - in Priase of Slow. v good.

Little presents

Last night i was lying in bed and just trying to let my mind calm down from the days busy-ness, when i became aware that for some reason the main road next to my house became still and silent. So for the first time in days i just lay there listening to nothing, it was amazing, like taking a deep deep drink....

Been doing more exploring and getting lost and things recently. The city is quite amazing (in the shocking sense) at points, esp the square mile. the east side of the city sits next to the borough of tower hamlets. As we walked the boundry between the two i was just shocked at such a contrast - beautufil marble offices and expensive bollards next to tenaments, boarded up buildings and one of the poorest neighbourhoods in London. The richest square mile in the world next to the most deprived, urban dwellings to be found.

THis is the sort of stuff you expect to see in the middle east or the third world - but bobbins, we are meant to be one of the wealthiest nations on earth!! Someone, can't recall who but they were very good, once said that a measure of a nation is how they treat their poor. So we suck.
I have no idea how, but know that the poor is one of the main reasons i am here. but it is increasingly grabbing hold of my heart as i walk around.

oh and i am hopefully soon to start working for a cleaning company. Why climb a ladder when the people i want to meet can't even reach the bottom rung, but are stuck in the pit of minimum wage.

2006

Happy 2006 everyone...... had a chilled new year in the hills. loved it, although the local killer cows did put me on edge a little. haha. can't quite work out if i am a townie (ie being scared of farm animals and struggling with large wooden gates), or a country girl (who crosses roads without looking and can't understand why so many people live so far from something green.)

perhaps i just belong in the subburbs.... arhggggg noooooo.

crashing on...

So been trying to think of top 5 of 2005, could think of a few

1. being in New York, they let me into the UN!!! how bonkers is that!
2. claire and george's wedding, tissues please.
3. the little kitchen in blair road with ben and drago

.... other than that i realised that the highlights of 2005 where not ness what i did or where i went, but the people i was with and the friendships that developed from it. So thanks heaps for being part of my journey, its been bonkers so far and i look forward to more craziness this year.

I am seriously happy at the mo but not entirely sure why. Hope has totally appeared in an unsurpressiable balloon inside me, bringing unexpected joy with it. Just realising that God totally loves me and that it brings total freedom. Am also excited about the open doors in London...

so i am seriously looking forward to 2006.
not much else to report. ALthough have discovered a new liking of ironing.....

Home at last

so for the first time in 10 years my parents are home..... great! We gave them flowers and a great surprise party - much bubbly flowing, was wonderful. Christmas has been great - much food and hanging out with family before we all part ways again. well until 351 boxes arrive and we are summoned home to unpack! oh dear.

But it has been a wonderful old time - i have been on very long walks over green hills and finally it feels like the rush and chaos of london has left me to be replaced by the stillness i find here. Its like soaking a sponge, trying to get as much in as possible in the next week before i head back. But i have also been rereading narnia - everytime i do i see something different and love God more, its just really beautifully written yet powerfully simple. It also leaves me saying things like, golly gosh. and 'thats just beastly' haha....

But at points this time has been strange. I am aware that God really loves all the feasting and family and celebration, but is really mourned by the fact that few see the reality of what it is we celebrate. But i have Hope afresh and can't be down hearted too long.
Its also been strange because i catch myself in the mirror and suddenly don't recongnise the person looking back. I think its more than a new hair cut, i think this last 12 months, although hard, has changed me in ways that at the mo i just can't quite pin down. But i do really like them, the little hints and glimpses that i catch....
I am also more and more aware of what a beautiful and precious thing a relationship with Jesus is, or perhaps closer to the point - Him.

So like lovely Oz, who i miss heaps, i am also looking forward to 2006. I know it will be fuller, more different and unexpected than this last year and i can't wait. I don't know how, but it will - maybe its 2006, maybe i have got my eyes open further and am more willing to see it - or maybe both. Either way it smells good.

So Merry Christmas and all the unexpected things God can throw at you in a year, for 2006.......!!!!!

got my stuff from manchester this weekend - happy days. my room is now my own, and even though i don't have huge buckets of stuff, the more personal touch can totally change a room!!

The dream wall is still under construction, but am looking forward to seeing it form. new wall, new year new dreams!!!! come on!!!

Am currently spending time at boiler. In true boiler style this involves much tea drinking, nattering and chilling out... oh and some prayer too. out for curry down brick lane tonight with random boiler people - much fun to be had.

other than that life is good. going home to the sea and hills of dorset on friday so am v excited. meeting parents at the airport - tissues at the ready.

Feels like i have been given a gentle intro to life in london before the new year and all that it holds in store. But loving london and all its london-ness......

nothing else to report.
wanting snow.

its a bit rough, but my thoughts for today

The bus drives past
I count my change
Not a ride or a sandwich
For 27p, not a crumb
And so I stow it
And plod on

My feet ache
The sreet continues
Buses fly past
Houses stand tall
Warm and smug

Other days i have sat
On bus tall
Or cafe warm
To turn to see a walker
Plodding ever on
Or sitting, exhausted
With blankets wrapped around
Sodden, dirty.

Pity rose, compassion flooded
The gangle of coins
Yet warm, dry and moving
I continued
On my speedy way
Not so them.

Now however I am one
Little keeps me from that fate
Only faith andpatient Grace.
We are the same
Only flesh and bones
Yet simple paper and coins
Changes everything

PLatforms are made,
To distinguish or remove
Some from the biting reality
Of an empty purse
And sore feet
Humanity at its most human
Yet most hidden
But why hide
Who we truely are
Naked, shivering and broke
Only then can we not
Hide who He
Truely is.

reality bites

so been here just over 2 weeks and it is starting to hit me a bit. So many people. bobins!!! Its like walking down market st in manchester, on a saturday, all the time!!!!

Hackney has character, quite the same feel as heald place - ghetto one might say. but its good, i love the feel of it.
Am currently sat in the boiler after having a fun time with jude and george. It seems that crazy boiler ideas are being sent from heaven to all 3 of us, seperately. fun. so we shall see where it goes, but there is space for me to do some stuff here, help out.

Missing manchester a lot today. being able to see people with ease, walk places with ease as opposed to walking for miles. cozy places. my room is not quite yet my own, need to get my stuff from manchester.

Learning lots about the poor at the mo, and what it means to be on the other side of the city. not the side seen on the postcard. the hidden side. Just really impacting me, mainly because i have about 27p. Am really peaceful about it, but know that there are somethings you can't learn or see or feel when you have a bus fare or food for a coffee.

So there are many more challenges but in a really good amazing way. God is being super as normal (a great english word that, super). Life feels colourful and hidden but growing all at the same time. Not found a green place in hackney, but the suggestion of churches sounds good - thanks, (although i don't actually recogn who you are...)

oh and congrats to paul and penny for the arrival of Lucy Hope. beautiful.

london

so i am here at last......

its good. am enjoying the change, but it is so big i can't seem to get my head round it fully. so many people, so many faces...... can get a bit much. but there is a v cool vibe, and i love it.

am staying in pimlico for the next few days before i move into a new house in hackney. been to camden town - love it. seems to be a totally bonkers place where people from all over the world just come and do their thing.

am not making much sense, but it is 10 am and i am having to rush. soz.

but am learning to get about, even without the use of my a-z. well done me! trying to find still or even vaguely quiet places here is clearly my challenge for the next wee while. or finding something green and living.... the city parks and i are already becoming firm friends!!

Have met Jude, who runs the city boiler - what a raondom but great idea. a boiler room on the edge of the square mile!! Hoping to help out there..... even though it is a v hard place to buy milk and bread on a sunday!! (have tried, the only thing open is McD's)

Saw the constant gardner last night - a v good movie in every way i can imagine! Great acting, photography - all good. but made me realsie how much i love africa and long for it to be free.....

anyway time is short so must dash. hope some of the above makes sense....

Its beautiful here, but freezing!!!!!

It's high noon
As the far sun
Barely streaches over rooftops,
Causing long winter shadows.

Grey skies
Interupted with flash
And springs of colour
As trees,
In autumn splendor
Shake off last year
In hope of greater things.

In nakedness they stand
Tall and proud
Disregarding such mortal offspring
Which, like pages of time
Fall, one by one.
Their final act.
From treetop heights,
Withstanding gale and rain,
To gentle descent
Amoung comrades,

Where they become
Canvas to frosty
Morning dew,
Outlining their delicate frame.

Birds, their waters transfixed
By winters sudden arrival,
Skate over watery depths
As icey creaks
Join bird song.

Coming here
As leaves fall
And frost nips
Calls to remembrance
Times steady passing,
Whiich all our innovation
Cannot cease.

And so we pause,
Soaking up nature's wealth,
In the hope
That we too
Could be so effortlessly sublime.

holiness?

been reading a book called "The challenge of Jesus". I may have mentioned it before because I am loving reading it. In it the author, Tom Wright, discussing, amoung other things, the fact that Jesus was totally subversive (i think thats the right word for it) in everything He did. Always challenging the status quo. But in both obvious and really sublte ways that would only make sense if you were a first century Jew living under occupation.

As a bunch of friends who want more of God, we have been thinking about consecration and holiness. So there has been prayer and talking and challenge. All good. But what does holiness mean in this culture?

In Jesus' time the Pharisees thought they had holiness down to a T - all the outward signs said they had. So in todays day and age it would look like a bunch of people not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, sleeping around and defo staying away from non Christians - ie 'sinners'.

But Jesus came along and asked for a holiness which was not like that. He asked us to get in with the sinners and remember mercy and love - which clearly the P's had totally forgotten. But Jesus also challenged, not only the religous culture of the day, but also the regime of the day - the Romans.

What is the regime of today? What are we, the general people (not just the church, but that too) being opprressed by. What is it that is dominating the way we think, talk and live. What is it that is imposing its ideas about life, culture and civilisation on us. What gods are we being forced to worship and what ceasars do we have to bow to??

I am beginning to realise that there are all the really obvious ones - materialism, wealth and celebrity. These were also around at the time of Jesus - and are signs of an empire just about to decline (so say historians). But what about the more sublte ones - the ones which are bigger than us and our cities. The ones that are so big that they streach across countries and continents...

Because if i am to be consecrated to God, I want to be aware of them, challenge them and hopfully in the process, allow others to get free of them to.

I realised that when I first came to Manchester i was introduced to this whole idea through friends and things like Adbusters. But for some reason it just fell of my mental map. I can't work out if it was me being lazy or if it was a lack of space for it in life and relationships in general. But i want to carve out that space again, learn how to live this life out of a heart of love for God and people, not one of militancy (as seen in the anarchists) and destruction.

Holiness can't just be internal, it must have manifestations in my everyday life that reveals to people that I do not serve the same god or system. That I am free from it.

All this would be much easier if I lived in a cave. Or not.... 1)i would be on my billy tod, so making no impact, just more of a statement to people who once knew me. 2)i guess much of this stuff is just residing in my mind through mindsets and ideas. So i could be in a cave, but still servant to someting other than God.

all this was inspired, along with other things, by a quick trip to the Howies clothing web page (www.howies.co.uk). I want to discover holiness that liberates and revolutionises continents.

So should be pretty straight forward then...... haha

Notes

I was shopping in boots recently while trying to buy shower gel. Not complicated I know. So i picked up one bottle and, wanting to have a quick smell, i gave the bottle a v gentle squeeze, at which point a huge blob came out and splattered me on the nose, and then down my jacket...... i could feel the lady behind the cash desk giggling at me. So trying to recompose myself I realise i have no tissue and have to try to clean myself by other means.

so in the ensuing flurry, trying to maintain any last trace of respect, I choose a different type of shower gel and go to a different cash desk. So imagine my continued embarressment when using the newly purchased shower gel, i step out of the shower surprised by the pong of alpine-toilet duck aromas.......Not good.

Green "refresh" radox - false advertising if there ever was!!!!

Also a new helpful hint - storing tea bags of any desctription (esp Mint ones) above the kitchen sink is a receipe for a soggy disaster!

Other random things worthy of note from this week
- I have discovered quite a wide selection of hankies in my undies draw. Anyone who even thinks about a lifestyle of prayer should have one or be sponsered by Kleenex!! I have Santa and my Dad to thank.....
- why would anyone have 5 bra straps? Not even connnected to bras, just the straps. and 5 (a disconcerting number for such things). Well me - the secrets of my undies draw laid bare..... weird i say!

- also found an undeveloped film from goodness know when - so am looking forward to seeing the pics.
- was in Liverpools boiler room this weekend. Well I say boiler room. Its more rooms, or complex even. One could go so far as to say a hotel that just happened to enjoy praying people coming to stay. Us manchester people came a touch over prepared - many layers of clothing and sleeping bags. They have beds and heating!!!

Its a boiler - but not as we know it!! So we had much fun and tea, hopefully even the dead batteries got started.

As for manchester - could it be dreamers are dreaming again?

As for me - I'm still here.

congrats

realsied on bonfire night that i was not here in Manchester last year... took me a while to work out why. But i was in Greece chilling out at Resa and Krister's wedding. Congrats on your first year.

Also congrats to tony drago who as of tomorrow is 25!!!! oh my, happy birthday beautiful

yup, still in manchester. and i forgot just how much it rains here. it really does.

But since i last wrote i have realised i have been pushing out of old manchester boxes and looking for a new space. (a bit like the slightly overused catapiller - butterfly analogy). so its been hard, but feel like maybe something is shifting. The boxes you're in never feel small till you try to get out.

Also feel challenged to let go of the good i know of God in order to recieve the best. Exciting but am finding it hard, mainly down to lack of trust that He will give me the best rather than just leave me empty handed. But i am realising the way he fills our hands isn't ness what or how we would have guessed.
sneeky, but good.

oh and sorry for all the typos in the last entry. dyslexic typing.....

I am trying to leave, honest! It just seems that i often pick dates which clash with the almighty's calender. And I defo don't want to be doing that.

So after a week of getting a tad frustrated in the effort of pushing against His hands, I then realsied what on earth I was doing, decided against it and chilled out.

Now feeling much more peaceful. As anna h said - just wait for the green man!!

so sometime in the next wee while i shall be off - but am no longer rushing or pushing. Just sat here as the night sky is lit with pops and colours and things. off for fire and food soon......

happy days

for all the sun babies

this post is lovingly dedicated to all my friends who moan about the cold wet british winter when africa or a small tropical island is much more suitable!!!!

In the Observer mag this sat one of the columns was talking about "reverse SADo's" - ie people who LOVE the winter.

The writer in question (Barbara Ellen) is taling about the change of season from summer to autumn

"now, though, things are v different - the world is so beautiful it takes your breathe away. Leaves falling from the trees, puddles as permenant fixtures, fresh chilly mornings, face slapping breezes, lots of excuses to wear coats, boots and plum red scarfs........And, day or night you can walk around without worrying that the heat is going to melt the nose straight off your face! (at this point i wondered if she had a real nose!)

But i still agree - i love the heat, but there is something about winter. Lying in bed with ONE toe (big one on left foot) freezing cold, air so cold inside your nose hurts, getting up while its dark, being inside when its dark in big jumpers with hot tea, going out in said coat and scarf, only to find that the sun comes out, you roast alive and arrive at destination looking hot and bothered - not fresh and wind swept as hoped!!!

So not so much that last one.... but still i love it.

This time of year also brings about a Watson tradition - Bonfire treacle toffee!!! I got a huge bag full of it this morning. Thanks mum (there go my teeth!)

So to all my frineds all over the planet, just to say i hope you are loving the sun. I am loving the cold and not at all jealous (well, not much haha).

Who said chivalry?

Before anyone decides to start rumours about me (HDC) i thought i would step in with my quote of the week....

" I have a real thing about men " - which taken out of context could be a bit tricky!!!!

What i actually meant by the above is I have a real thing about men being Men. I am not even sure what that means or looks like. But I do get frustrated when I see guys being prevented from (or in some cases just not bothering) being the Men they are meant to be.

Last week I had a really good conversation in which a friend and i discussed the old fashioned notion of 'chivalry' - does it still apply in our post modern, empowered women world?? Do we want men to treat us well, opening doors, paying for drinks, buying us roses etc..... or do we want to be seen as equals with them, splitting everything by half and stuffing old traditions as crushing to the "weaker sex".

Tricky..... I don't know any woman who wants to be seen as weak, but then again i don't know many who don't like being treated really nicely, treated like they are worth something to the guy in question.
I think a whole lot of good came out of feminism (i say at this point that i know v little about the movement so may have picked up the wrong end of the stick!!), we got to vote, equal pay and rights which expanded our world to go beyond the school run and the kitchen. We have so many things that so many women in the world do not have - and that is something i am really grateful for.

But did it maybe go a bit too far?? Did we, in saying that we can do anything a man can, make men a bit redundant. Or at least feel like they are easily expendable - who needs a man when we can multi-task to such an incredible degree? Perhaps that is why so few men feel empowered to be who they really are - either there is no space for them to do that (due to multi-tasking, all powerful woman in their lives) or that even if they did try, a woman would come and do it anyway, so why bother!!

So somehow I want to encourage the men in my life (Dad, brothers, in Christ) to be all they can. Does that mean me being weak? the damsel in distress looking for a knight to come and save me - only from the dishes!! No. well not totoally i don't think.

I think it means recognising that neither me or the men, can be all we are meant to be without the other sex. We both need to partner, together, to get to the end. That means me trusting him, and not taking control, while he values what I have to bring to the partnership and allowing our gifts to compliment each other.

That will look so different in every relationship, friendship etc - but its defo something i am out to encourage in those i have the privaledge to be in.....This is defo not new thoughts, but just thought i would share mine. although the above is not complete or fixed. am open to suggestions!

Other exciting news includes I got a new camera bag (for xmas). Its Crumpler and ruby red..... it makes me smile a whole lot. It has v useful but ingenious pockets and velcro in all the right places. Has given me a great level of satisfaction. Thanks cate for leading the way!!! (and yes i probably need to get out more if i get so giddy about a camera bag. but i think cate will understand!)

Next week - packing and london........

my new motto - be realistic. Demand the impossible.

London seems like a good place to start living that one out!

moss side is strangely beautiful at 7 in the morning when the sun is only just starting to rise behind the clouds. It makes the sky a funny blue purple colour which somehow sits well with the bright orange street lights. everyone is asleep save for a baby crying, and two kids on bikes going down the middle of the road. why not - its empty!!!!

Its really peaceful and the birds are starting to twitter - its almost like its not moss side or something.

You know weekends are good when you see faveorite people, chill out in lovely ways (like reading in trof when surrounded by friends, noise and drinking a great hot chocolate), and then stay up half the night nattering about everything under the sun and drinking lots of t.

I have been trying to find a new winter coat - to no avail. They ar either grey and black (boring and far too london) or not really coats at all, not much thicker than a summer coat. boo.

but i did find a great bottle green one - thinking on that one. A friend of mine has some great winter coats though, perhaps i should ask her.

Mum is flying over this week to do the christmas shopping - she's the most organised santa i have ever known, sometimes she starts in febuary.
More exciting than christmas shopping and the christmas market here (which i will miss, boo!) - my parents are returning to LIVE, in britain, after 10 long years in the desert. (now come on - there must be a prophetic word in there somewhere - how much biblical imagery does one need!!! they are even coming back from Egypt!)

I am v excited for them - they get to do normal things and remain in the same place for years on end, not needing to jump on a plane. Trust me - it can get reaaaally boring!!! So this christmas we will have even more reason to celebrate and eat lots of amazing mum food for days on end!!!! not only that but we will be in the hills and by the sea - oh my.

welcome to the newly updated blog..... the orange stripe had it coming!

new city, new season..... new blog.

almost finished....

my time here in manchester. phew i hear some of you say. me too. I have been talking of leaving for about 6 months, so its good to finally see the door out.
Am off to london in pilgrim style. back pack on back and a place to stay for a few weeks. no "proper job" (whatever that is) and a few pounds. i can't wait. it feels like the adventure has been a little static these last 12 months, so am looking forward to being more mobile.

the leaves are b-e-a-utiful at the mo.
I have discovered that canadian geese are not the brightest birds in the sky . yesterday while in a cleaning frezy in the local pond one decided to do the head down - bum up pose, only to tip a bit too far and end up on his back, legs flapping and all!!!!! He quickly righted himself only then to fly around swarking at the seaguls in an embarressed, i've just ruined my rep sort of way. defo kept me chuckling.

also reminded me of another type of canadian, prone to random acts of silliness, like putting knickers in the deep freezer! miss u lots - bring on the harley!

Having seen so many friends leave here, it feels a bit late to do the "last things to do in the city" thing, but I am enjoying seeing manchester with fresh eyes - taking notice of the little things which for the past 2 years i have walked past. But moe than that, I have realised more and more what an amazing bunch of people i have known here.
Every time i go to the park i find myself talking to strangers, who are generally lonely and just looking for a bit of company. But in my time here i have been really fortunate to have people about, who although did not always get me, at least wanted to try.

Soon however i will join the "they used to live here" group, who seem splattered all over the world. I look forward to that, but for now i'm really thankful that i live here.

Running nowhere

Today i tried running, really hard from God. Only to find He is obviously there at the otherside of my little sprint - because he is that big!!

Its not even that I meant to, or tired to but, as He showed me later, I so seriously scared and thought that Scotland would be a good place to try and hide from it. Nice try!!!

So, for now I am not going anywhere - why pay the money when He wants me here in the first place!!

But its all really good actually. He is v cool - showing me that I was running and stopping me from ensuing dash, because it was not right, and because He loves me. Thanks.

So Blair road it is - but I do love it so thats ok. The leaves have started falling and its turned a bit cold and grey - one of my faveorite times of year.

Also today I met this great Irish man by the name of Jerimiah Oliver O'Brian (Job for short). We sat and spoke for a good hour, while he sang me songs and made up poetry about flowers and trees and things. He was not a drunk, although it took me a while to realise. So we laughed and had a good time. He told me some fun things about God and informed me that to improve poetry I need to try rhyming and read the psalms!

So i shall endevour to read more of the psalms qwith my poems in mind.

I would also like to welcome Sally W to the page - her blog (to the right) is so v funny, if you're having a bad day go there!!!

N.B.

I love blogs, they make me laugh after a pooey week.

stops me taking myself too seriously.

think i need to think about the title of this blog..... simplicity.

not confusion.

huh.

No 2 - cars

So the second of these revelations (as you can see, its been a busy week)

He showed me that all this time, ie the last 18 months or so, He has been removing my engine from within me. (nice)

basically it goes like this - beforehand i was driven and motivated by fears, doubt and serious levels of insercurity, so that even when i was doing 'good' stuff, for God, it was all for the wrong reasons. I am a big believer in ghandi and MLKjr and their thoughts on the means being just as importany as the end reached. Therefore if the means, ie the fears etc, were naff, then the ends were not so great.

i hope that made a little sense!

anyway, back to cars. so He has systematically taken away my previous engine of the above fears etc, and left a hole, mentioned previously,in which one would hope He is going to place a better, God sort of engine, probably focused on Love.

So that is how things are currently - although i freely admit that with all this time on my hands to think, the above my change/develop or otherwise not fit with my life at the next blog!

Sorry for any ensuing confusion. Such is my life. But I am trying to learn to trust, not in what I know but In God.

.... cause He is good, and I have no engine!

No 1 - helpless but hopeful

this week has been a bit of a weird one - crashing from being fine to grumpy and shouting, to crying to rejoicing.

Feel a little messed up.

Am bored of waiting and as such a little frustrated.
My head hurts from too much thinking

But two interesting revelations i thought i would share.

in the mess that was my head this week, i thought i would stuff all this and go and save the world! (go me!). But then i realised that people were already trying that and failing so why should i bother. and even if i wanted to i couldn't without God, or even know where to begin for that matter. phew

At which point God pipes up informing me that He can save the world, so I don't need to try. Then it hit me. I have nothing to offer Him at all. nothing that he can't do already, and probably much better.

man that sucks - when we like to think we are good people by what we can offer others. there is nothing to offer here that he has not given.
Instead, i realised, that all He is asking for is this cracked, and slightly confused, shell into which and through which He might choose to pour some of His spirit which could then help to bring in the Kingdom. but only if He wanted to. Not even essential. He could do it without me.

pants.

why on earth am i here?

I guess at this point i should jump up and say "to worship Him", and that is true and i totally believe it and love it. I just figured it would be through what i do rather than not.
tricky... and yet in that helpless place before Him, when you have nothing but to plead mercy, Hope rises from the ashes.

Things can only get better from here!! If there is something empty - He (i say this tentitavely) may fill it with Joy and Love and His fab Spirit, who I love!

tissues please

so the wedding - was LUSH!!!! absolutely perfect in so many different ways. below are but a few -

a great couple, who i love dearly ( i don't use that word enough i just realised). Both of them looked great.
fab friends and therefore many laughs and much wine
great food, including a chocolate fountain thing (going on my christmas list!!)
random meeting with a girl i went to school with
great music and bad dancing (the latter by yours truely!!)
much crying (joy and wonder at God) BUT no running eye makeup (10 points to me!!)

oh and i got to wear lovely clothes and a hat - go figure for the girl who is rarely seen out of a pair of jeans!!

So was fab, really felt like the last year has been so worth it for those guys. It reminded me that actually He has got it all covered even when we don't believe it.

And Hope was rekindled.....

nice.

New York etc

so the last few days have beena little mental but really fun.

So New York.....

is mostly BIG. the only descriptive word i could find for it for 2 days. But i really love it and was surprised that i even really loved the people. Americans don't seem quite so, you know, American when they are on home Turf. Me, I was an english person in New York, and i knew it!!!

Observations include
- clearly in the 80's the city decided to print lots of postcards, so many in fact they have lasted 25 years, so there is not a nice postcard in the city!! sorry for anyone hoping for one but i could not force myself to buy one!

- the road system is so easy, i did not get lost once (except inside the UN and that is a warren!). why did we not think of it - mainly because we have been going for much much longer!!

- strangely I much prefer the american muffins sold in the uk, than those sold in america, just nicer really. as to whether they are still american if there are here - well tricky!

So anyway, i loved it. The UN was big and full of people trying very hard, in very tricky places, to save the world. I felt so inspired just listening to some of their stories, amazing. But at the same time you look at this huge machine, which is the UN, full of people who want things to be better, but they are totally resticted and limited by the machine and the people who control it. It sucks!

But hey, my thought is that if people are as determined as say Ghandi or Martin Luther King, Jnr, to see a change - then it will happen. and it really felt like there is just this huge ground swell, this masss people movement rising up and saying NO MORE - about a lot of things, but esp about the third world and war etc.

So, lots to chew over, but v inspiring. Oh and if you ever have the chance to meet, hear, or share the same room as Whaoo Karaa from Kenya, then do. She rocks. She does lots of saving the planet stuff and is being nominated for the nobel peace prize this year. A great woman african leader of our time!!

Since the business of the US I returned to apprecaite silence - a city that never sleeps is never silent - and clean clothes. the laundry done, I headed down to Bath for a fun hen night with 6 courses at dinner!!! oh my. Tomorrow i have to squeeze into a dress (6 courses and american waffles do not help) for one of the weddings i have looked forward to most - claire and george. I love them i think they are great!!!

Tomorrow will be much fun, but for now i am drinking wine and chilling out quietly before many people arrive at Anna H's house in the shire, at which point I am likely to get just a little to giddy and need to calm down before i try and sleep!
ohhh i just can't wait this part of the country with this collection of people at this occasion... oh my i just don't know if i can handle it all!!!

this is what life is about, NYC... well that was just a trip. but friends and fun times, much more important!

just when you can last no longer, in God steps with a big dollop of peace with understanding in there somewhere.

So just had a great week with family in cornwall, helping prep for a wedding. Really felt like it was how things are meant to be like, everyone mucking in, making bunting (iam now an expert!) and having tea on the lawn with a marque, before a great bash under the stars atfter a teary wedding.

Am now back in London about to go to the airport to fly to New York (first time to states, whopeee). Last night I didn't really have enough money to go to pay for accomodation and food etc, but had just knew I was meant to be going. So this morning after a snotty (On my part i might add)encounter with The Lord, I had understanding as to why I found myself in this situation, and what the outcome would be... obviously there is a happy ending, because He is good like that!!

And now i look back and think, why on earth did i end up in such a pickle in the first place when part of me knew that He was going to do his thing anyway!!

Last week I also had a great chat with an old friend and have just been chewing it over since. the bit in Matt. where Jesus says look for the Kingdom and all the rest will come to you.... I have only just found that after 2 years of living by faith! Doh!!!

So NYC bekons, and i can't wait 'cause its going to be hot and fun and a little bonkers in there at the same time.
have to dash only 1 min left....
xx

yeppies

.... young expermineting perfection seekers who do not collect worldly good but as many experiances as possible.

I read an article about the above section of society, a bunch of people who choose not to run the rat race, but rather travel and do random jobs in different destinations in order to seek out that "thing" which will make their life.
Some of the stories were depressing to say the least; people who for example, DJ in all the best places all over the world til they are forty. They then get scared, come home only to find they have no property, career and a mountain of debt..... and end their life wondering where it went.

The article was defo written as a warning to those contemplating finding "happiness/ success" outside of the normal framework of house, job, family....

As i started to read the article i identified strongly with the yeppie group - mainly because i am not too fussed by belongings and don't ness suit a 9 - 5.
The yeppies are onto something - because happiness is not found in the normal patterns of the world. This is obvious from the sheer number of people on anti-depressants at the mo. Something has been missed out somewhere.

But as i read on i was struck by the equally empty yeppie lives. They went from one destination/relationship/job to another in fear that they were possibly missing the best that was out there, during which time the best of life just passed them by as they were enslaved by fear.

I was briefly scared that my life would end up like that, with people shaking their heads at me wondering where it had all been wasted. But then I realised you can be in any lifestyle and be desperately unhappy or looking for something yet still enslaved by fear (of missing out or stepping out).

Its not about what we do, because clearly you can be happy with a job, house and car, or fishing off the coast of brazil. But it is about knowing who we are, and where we belong. Then there is peace and assurance to step out or remain still, knowing that some parts of who you are, the important bits, are unchangable and secure.

At which point there is freedom to 'love God and do what you want' (st Augustine of Hippo), knowing that by loving Him, His Kingdom will come.
Nice.

Home, unexpectedly

Just got back from a week up north, in Shetland, my childhood home. I was at a conference ( not my normal style but still....)and met lots of really fun people who are as bonkers as me. Its always fun to find comrades in this journey of ours!

Being back there though was a bit weird, as its the first time I have been back and walking with God..... and boy did He have lots to say on the matter! But it was all good, and it was a pleasure to find that actually a bit of me does come from Shetland. You can't spend 8 years in a place and not be impacted by it! So finding that part of me and claiming it back, rather than denying it and resisting it was defo the biggest battle.

But once I had it sorted, things in me just seemed to make much more sense, both the good and the bad. I guess now is a journey of putting down the bad stuff and wiping clean the good.
What i had not expected however, was for Shetland to be added to the equation which is my future. Suddenly I had another unknown constant to take into account... not in a complicated way, just a little surpirsed! It defo did feel more like home by the end of the week, which is good considering i think i will be up there again.

The future, however close, remains strictly off limits for me and God at the mo.... a new juoorney of trust i guess. Blind until He lets it be otherwise. But I am enjoying my response to that - not total panic, but a supernatural peace.

That seems to be a theme with me and God at the moment; me being surprised by my response to new situations, where 2 years ago it would have been quite diferent. Clearly not a wasted time after all!!

So I am looking forward to the next two years being even more bonkers than the last two - bring it on!!!

oh bobbins..... time flies while checking the email!

Oh well, it is saturday after all!

So was in london again this week, rather unexpectedly, but it was good - was there just to love a friend. Realised that that is what i want my life to be about - loving people further than is normal/expected/polite or whatever haha..... it fun. hard sometimes but really fun mostly.

After london came a nasty bout of food poisoning and a day in bed, but now i am back full spring!! I am trying to get my head around all this travelling because this tuesday I am off to the shetlands, just about as far as you can go and still be in britain. I grew up there for 8 years, so it will be strange to go back, but good... returning to roots.

I am being really challenged recently by friends who look at the world with a decreasing number of barriers, in terms of boarders or restrictions to crossing each and every one. So now i am trying to look bigger than i have before, and do it in faith so that it becomes a reality and my norm. If I have such a big God why should i limit the way i see him!!!!

So places i would love to see in the next 12 months include - Israel and Canada..... maybe even brazil and another corner of africa.....

But then again i don't want to limit Him by my list - but i guess i have to start somewhere.
For now though, I will just catch a v little plane (a shoe box with wings!!) to shetland, and see where the path goes from there.

All change

so its been about a month since my last blog and it seems like so much has changed since then.

I spent 10 days in the highlands of scotland, doing some prayer work stuff with an amainzing team of people. It was lots of fun and felt like being with family. I am really looking forward to journeying with those guys some more....

London was bombed - was awful. Didn't kow what to do or say..... and then it happened again today. Suddenly so many people's everyday reality finds its way onto our streets. You would think that such a visible sign to the nation would raise questions as to why it happened, that we would be looking for answers in order to prevent it happening again. Like the link with Iraq perhaps....

but instead we just carry on, with our foreheads of flint pushing on through.

There is so much to this that confuses me, and yet it is simple in so many ways.

So, i feel like i have turned a corner with the global team etc, but it seems like the nation is turning a corner to. I only hope we respond to it with honesty, humility and love......

techno bits

ok, for those of you who say my friends links to the right dont work, i just tried them all. they seem fine to me......

computers - i really don't get them. Was thinking of setting up an internet bank account until i realised it would involve computers.... oh dear.

Had a fab weekend, alughed lots and just had plain old fun with friends.

Off to scotland this week, i can't wait. It has been far too long. I really miss it, so much a good bagpiper can cause me to get weepy on market street - how soft am I!!!

oh and i found another amazing site re a woman who set up a charity looking after the rights of civialians in war zones, and holding governments (namely america) accountable. It sounds great, but she was unfortunately killed in Iraq in April, only 26. Brave and sensitive - a good combo.

www.civicworldwide.org

gutsy in a whole other way.....

riverbend blog

for those of you interested in world stuff and Iraq have a look at

http://riverbendblog.blogger.com

its amazing. written by a woman inside occupied iraq. the life and struggles of the normal people.

that is what a blog is for.......

she will now become a permenant feature in my links to the right because she deserves to be heard above the roar of propoganda.

xx

chilling

current occupation - mostly chilling before work starts again.

The tricky things about blogs is that everytime i write one, I always rewrite it about 3 times before i get annoyed at myself and press 'publish'. (this is the second draft so far.)

I always begin with a normally rather mundane - this is what i am doing thing- followed by random thoughts. This is fine, esp for anyone who lives far away and doesn't know what i'm upto. But is it what this is for, for me?? Dunno?

I think that in the next few months quite a few things in my life, like geography, are going to be changing, so communication is going to become more important. But what is it that I want to communicate - why on earth am i sitting here at 11pm typing away?

I think there is something of this journey and adventure that i want to share with whoever reads this, mainly because its great to be on, and great to share stories, as my friend Emma c has taught me. So perhaps this is just a bit of a story board, where a random selection of scences from my life pass, in the hope that something funny, or true or lovely will strike the reader as they pause here in their day. who knows...... perhaps its just a little rectangle of verbal processing space for me.

Either way, as i am currently learning, it probably doesn't matter a great deal.....

So stories (or random bits of information)

I am currently living by the motto : He loves me, so chill out. I realised that often my response to life was one of nerves and worry, mainly because i did not know with all certainty that God loved me. (I know the books say he does, but this was something else, deeper). Now however I am beginning to realise that He does, totally, with out escape. Therefore whatever i do or wherever i go, He is still there, still loving......

that kind of blew my mind. And totally released me in an unexpected way.... to fully embrace life and Love, a slightly more prickly subject in my book.

So far, I am enjoying the consequences.

For example; I am finding that I love music and dancing to it. I recently acquired a small electric-blue music playing object (its v cute!), and have loved listening to new music. What has surprised me though is how much i enjoy and want to dance.... most of the time. Those of you who know me well, know that i am NOT a good dancer by any streach of the imagination, but i feel inspired to learn!!!! and i love the fact that i can

So life seems to be taking on a fuller, more colourful version. There are definately some big changes afoot - but at the mo i just can't quite pin them down. But the small changes are doing just fine for now.

Only the Brits...

Oh the sun - how i had forgotten how much i enjoy having a tan!!

Am in egypt with the parents. Flew in and then that night went to a ball, by the pyramids!!!! It was great fun, the views were great, although it did feel a bit weird, as someone pointed out, to dance on other peoples graves!

Cairo is currently having a heat wave, so i have a slightly pink shoulder (only on one side as i forgot that the sun moved, so i forgot to move with it!! Doh!). But I am enjoying being tanned, and being in this city. Everytime I come I see more of the poverty, but at the same time more of the beauty. Between the nile (the city) and the pyramids there are rough brick houses and piles of rubbish with kids playing on them, right next to the lushest, greenest fields.
Yesterday I was eating scrummy egyptian food on the edge of the nile while this family went past in this little row boat. The children were beautiful and the wife had amazing eyes, yet they floated past in this tiny boat wearing rags, and there was I eating scrummy food.

It just didn't sit right with me, especailly in this place of "empire". Like Oria, I really feel like something is being stirred in me re justice, the poor and what on earth am I doing about it!!!!!

A good but uncomfortable place to be.

Wales

is mostly green and welsh. I loved the freshness in the colour, came as a real surprise after the grey of manchester. But i really could not get to grips with the lingo. It sounds amazing though...

Just come back from a bit of time with t and a, much fun and enjoyed the head space. It was just really easy to sit and listen there....

Am now back in Manchester, where it is really busy in town (really got me earlier....) . A man was playing the bag pipes really well in town today (not normal this far south of the border) and suddenly i was all teary eyed for Scotland. It has been a very long time since I'v been back, and i miss it much more than i realised.

Other than that life is unpredictable at best, but the sun is around more and the days are longer, so things must be looking up. bring on the flip flops and sunnies I say!!!

I played squash last night for the first time in years. It was a lot of fun, although i admit to having pulled muscles in my bum, which makes sitting fun for everyone else but me - they get to laugh at the face i pull!!! But saying that it was good to have a made dash through the court with Sophie - who i hit twice (!!) with the ball. Having only known her for half an hour, this was not the best basis for a friendship. But next week we signed up for it again, only then i will be sufficently stretched out.

Currently job hunting and trying to sort out my CV. So very boring, but needs doing. Boo. But this weekend am off to a concert with my siblings and then Wales to chill with the pinees...
no time left xx

all change

yesterday as i typed i was still every much waiting for something to move, esp in terms of money. So imagine my surprise when getting home i recieve an anonymous, and certainly not insignificant contribution to my bank account.

After 3 months of praying like crazy, really wanting god to be the God that i think he should be, but we rarely let him be over here in the west, He does it, beautifully, simply. He is becoming that BIG God that i long to see operating over here. So letting go of everything but holding onto Him, maybe just makes space for Him to be that - Creator and Lord. I just need to make more space for him.

So now I'm in london, drinking smoothie and loving it. This city has a great vibe, esp the free internet in snow and rock. sorry that you're not here G. But the miffins are good, will have one for you.

I am really wanting the unpredictable now though, however crazy it might be, it feels like an amazing way to live. Not to let go of responsibilities, or not live in the real world - but rather see them from a different perspective and learn to live a full life from that. It feels really exciting to finally be stepping a little closer to that, after learning to let go of those mental chains that stopped me before.

so where now - who knows, but thats the bit I am loving.

Uncertain

I have just re-read my last blog. It was a little obscure to say the least, sorry about that. But I just write what I'm thinking sometimes, and that is not always a lot!!

" Gracious uncertainty - to be certain of God means we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow will bring... it should be an expression of breathless expectation." Oswald Chambers.

I know that I have been learning to let go of all of my expectations and ideas but not in a hopeless way. With me it is the way that God wants to make space in order to bring about His bigger and better plans. It just means that can often be found wandering around not entirely sure what is going on. If you find me like this, don't be overly conerned, Im not dangerous!

So, Easter (and any other dates that I had hoped might be significant....) has passed, and I am still here. But that is ok. It feels like the pace of life has begun to pick up and that there is focus coming. Next week I am off to the south coast and then to wales. From there who knows....

I know that I have finished the waiting (horah!) and so now its just a case of walking the path in front and seeing that appears. But as you might have guessed, I am not entirely sure what that might be. I have tried to work it out. But He is not letting on, but thats the point. If I knew then I would know.... therein lies the problem. He is God, I am not.

So this is a walk, one step at a time..... but imagine where I might end up!!!

where i am, sitting

so, i know it has been a while but been somewhat laking in anything to say. My life at the mo - mainly just waiting. Literally, just sitting and waiting, hoping and dreaming. But when it feels like there are no boundaries, (a good thing i know), it leaves me a little stuck of where to begin. But I have started, and looked in different directions, but still not found "it", that thing that makes me tick, and come alive. That thing which will keep me up with mad ideas and excitment, that thing that i grab hold of and run with as far as i can as best as i can.

I don't even know if that is what I mean or what I am waiting for, but I think so. Destiny, the reason I am me. I know that it is about worshipping Him and loving Him, with all my talents and mess ups which means I will do it in a way that only I can......

Perhaps if I just keep on walking I will find myself on the path, doing the 'thing'. I am already. He has got it covered....

In the meantime however I am realising that Home is where you make it. Recently I have been very good at not making it where it needs to be. Life is easier when people aren't asking tricky questions, but that doesn't make it better. So I am learning to love the places that are a little uncomfortable, yet entirely filled with Love. I am enjoying the challenge of forcing myself out of the shell I have made, and being surprised that there is more of me to be found outside of it. I am enjoying the deepening friendships and other bits of me which are not what I thought they should be - so a life giving and releasing shock to the system.

Looking forward to Easter and everything that comes after it - hopefully a lot of resurrection life!!!! some feasting!! and a few giggles .....

I have been wanting to blog for days but my words keep getting in the way. But having written reams of words, after being told, 'just put your pen to paper and let it happen', i feel it is less of a problem.

I am back in manchester seeing friends and verging on dreaming dreams. Something in the writing realm has exploded so I am happily occupied writing and listening. It seems quite chilled as I am not going out of the country for a few weeks at least (I am waiting for a new passport), but I am realising the importance of relationships and investing in them when I have the chance.

Waited for an hour and a half for a bus. It was very cold. boo.

Also still very much thinking over what i saw in Uganda, and the camps of people fleeing the civil war. I am happy to say, it is not something i can shrug off easily while living my comfy life over here.
but more on that later.....

Did you know there is no VAT on cake!! How cool!! Although, it did mean that the makers of the fab Jaffa Cake had to go to court to prove that they were cakes, not biscuit. (cakes go hard over time, while biscuits go soggy, obviously!!).

Oh dear, it makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.
Especially when in contrast to the above paragraph.

Its a funny messed up world......

winter sun

God was having a good day when he decided that all year round the sun would be availible to recharge the batteries and top up the tan! I am currently loving the ugandan sunshine!!

After last post, God showed me how much i needed a rest, and as such i have finally managed it. which is great. He has also done a bit of a spring clean on my head, as it seems that ideas which were workable for 2004, are indded not meant for 2005!!! So i am enjoying having my hopes raised, and my dreams reignited.

It really feels like i can breathe here.

Although i still don't have a v clear 'purpose' for 2005, i think this is just meant to be a day at a time journey, seeing him, and his abundance in the everyday small things. If i can't see them, and recieve them there, then when He does the massive world changing things that i know he wants to, i will just be walking on by, asking him why he is not moving!!!

I am looking forward to be amazed this year, amazed at his bigness and abundance. I am looking forward to more freedom, more joy and lots more love. A week ago, i didn't think i could know any of that. I didn't really believe that the god i knew in 2004 would do that. But now i know that is what this year is going to hold, because god is not one of years, but of love and journeys which never really have strainght paths.....

africa

well on my travels again after a long break (other than to see the folks)...

its january and its hot and sticky... perfect.
had a fab day with my feet in a pool, drinking an iced drink and having really good conversations with friends i miss. was perfect.

Am really looking for purpose or something for 2005, but am currently being told just to chill and let Him find me, rather than do my western searching thing.....

so tricky, but enjoying His biggness at the mo.

55 secs left. must dash.

for those who might be interested, poo is all fine. x

travels to the sun

well on my travels again after a long break (other than to see the folks)...

its january and its hot and sticky... perfect.
had a fab day with my feet in a pool, drinking an iced drink and having really good conversations with friends i miss. was perfect.

Am really looking for purpose or something for 2005, but am currently being told just to chill and let Him find me, rather than do my western running, being busy thing. life takes on a different pace here. still not used to it.
I am finding it quite strange that god is quite so 'here', i.e. accessible without a push. it completely disarms me when i turn to find him. I am looking expecting to see him a bit of a way away, when actually he may be sitting there next to me.... good. but unnerving.

Just realised this is the first blog of 2005, so happy new year. I have no idea what it holds for me, at all. I have nothing in my calender (yet, famous last words) and it feels v fuzzy. But i am looking forward to a year of joy, grace and favour (the no 5 thing...) after last years push and tears.

Exciting news though, my parents are hoping to return from the middle east after about 10 years over there. Its sooo time for them to come back and do normal things, like the garden or something. But may be a little wierd, knowing they are just a train away, rather than 5 hours away.....

so, a year full of empty space, but lots of potential. maybe for now, i'm just going to take one step at a time. otherwise i might just get scared.

currently feeling a little battered in my life choices at the moment - i.e. the whole not working in a "proper job" thing. It appears that the rest of the world thinks i am quite strange, which is fine, but I am realising the assistance of being around people who understand you. I am struggling to even work out why i am doing it at the mo, because it seems that i am quite scared even about the next month and all that it holds in store regarding travel, new people and places and money.

The first few of those list i normally love, but at the moment i am coming to loathe the restrictions, in my mind at least, even if nowhere else, that the latter, ££, force on me. So i think about going to new placces and am in fear because it is, in my head, just going to stress me out.
Now i realise, to all you lovely friends of Jesus out there, that I am being silly, and i should just go and have more faith......
But i am just writting it as it is - i do have faith. But currently it is just dwarfed by fear. boo. I hate it!!!

One inspiration I have found is a great book, which i mentioned before, culture jam. It just reminded me that i am not the only person (all those in manchester aside) not wanting to sit in an office and join the rat race.

I know that it will no doubt turn out fine, and in two weeks i will be in the tropical sun with some beautiful friends.... but right now i am just a bit scared.

thats ok though.

"it's all just part of the journey" (the very learn'ed HDC) haha

well.. it has been a little while, so have quite a bit to ramble about. but so i shall.....

I have finally moved house ( many of you will be happy to hear), on the week when 2 suspected terrorists were arrested on my street and a small riot ensued, rusholme is not what it used to be!!!!! But my new house, and new housemates are much fun indeed and i have already enjoyed an all day breakfast, for the whole day, and lord of the rings fest!!! fab!! but I did not even manage to spend much time there before i came down south to dorset for some fresh air, wellies and good food. The family is home for christmas, and we got a little snow (on the south coast!!) and a log fire - so i am quite content.

I am really enjoying reading the newspapaer a lot, along with "Culture Jam" by the adbusters posse in Vancover (big up ozza). A good mix me thinks. I am enjoying Culture jam, and the idea and the pure injustice of so much of what we count as society at the moment. But for some reason, and this is the bit that scares me more i think, I just don't feel inspired or empowered to do anything about it. When I hang out with various campaigning friends i feel i can find the vision to do something, but alone i feel the curse of this generation, apathy, hit me like i brick wall, and part of me just turns over and turns off. I know that this is one thing I just really need to shake myself out of, probably on a daily basis..... i guess i am just not sure where to focus my energies at the moment.

On a different note however, I would like to wish all my friends and readers a 'merry mass'. It seems, from my reading of the current papers today, that Christ has truely been taken out of our festive season. Carol concerts are being banned, nativity plays restricted, or worse, perverted to show the true Gods of this age (aka posh and becks and co).

There was an interesting article in the Times today, written by an aethesist, who was basically asking what the Christians where doing to protect their religous festival and british culture from those trying to shut them up?? He gave the example of Shieks (sp??) and Musilims doing everything they can to protect the sanctity of their religions, but proposed that the Christians in England were bowing to political correctedness and being silent. Why are we so scared and not walking as the 'children of another dimension', and putting Christ back at the centre, not just of these festivities but of our culture again?

Rant over, feeling i have just totally kicked myself up the bum (a good thing), told myself how to focus my energies (likewise), and then taken a huge sigh.... not really knowing where to go from here.

Computer time is now over however, so will continue this train of thought later.....

Happy days indeed

I am now a little older than i was before - but am finding that i am still younger than most people I know!! Whopeee! And not a grey hair in sight! (R and O!!).
My birthday was fab with breakfast at trof, happy indeed!, followed by supper at solomon grundies (thanks to tony for that!). However somehow i managed to make it last a little longer by organising a bit of a bash with beth at trof on saturday night. That was much fun and I loved sitting in a favorite place with some of my favorite people. The suddenly hattie, a v good friend and fellow crazy person, appeared at the top of the stairs - everyone else new she was on her way except me!!! Very Happy days!!

After being sqeezed out of trof (its a little too cool at night now, and so a bit too busy) we went home for a cup of tea and a natter. Much laughter and a few 'oh i miss you guys' tears later, we had a broken bed and sore stomachs.... it seems that my somewhat creaky bed could not handle 3 little bottoms on it for so long, and so gave up trying!!

All in all i very much enjoyed celebrating my birthday, and watching as £££ miracles unfolded before my eyes. He really is the Provider (even of nice new boots and a skirt to match!). So having now worn said skirt and boots, and felt rather girly, my eyes are looking to Christmas and much family fun on the south coast.

However I am realising that a month is a long time and there are many things I could do between now and then. So the first surprise up God's sleeve is a prayer conference thing, where basically i get to hang out with Him and lots of friends for 2 days!! Not in Manchester!! (I love it but just need to get out!!). I don't even have to worry about paying for it, cause He had that covered too..... oh the fun ahead. I can feel it in my bones!!!

Still I have boring things to do like pay libary fines, so will sign off. Much love to those beautiful people who are just a little too far away to hug. boo. I love you and thanks much for the b'day love!!

under pressure

from various comments to blog..... and so i shall.

two sweet hours of uniterupted computer time, and an inbox full of emails that are too old to be interesting. boo. so blogging it is!!

Am moving house!!! Whopeee!! The beautiful Laura and i are off to the dizzy heights of Whalley Range (still manchester for those outside this bubble), to live on blair road in a lush house with ben and hannah. I am really looking forward to it as my current housing situation is ok, but am realising that sometimes God just wants to give us the best, just cause he can.

I am learning a lot about how God sees me at the moment. Previously i had in my head that he only changes/ adds things in us to prepare us for something in the future. a new job, being a wife etc. When actually He showed me that He is the ultmiate geek... He gets this old style computer, strips off the naff stuff, adds in the essentials but then decides to put all this other stuff on the computer just cause its quite cool and its fun.... how cool is that.

So I am now very much enjoying finding out what fun stuff I am to do.... like dropping the current clothes style (mainly involves hiding) and celebrating instead!! Also crazy adventures, possibly the next to be in uganda. Possible modes of transport which have been suggested include
1) the private jet (hdc airlines)
2) the camel (from Egypt with love from parents)
3) just appearing there (possibly via a toilet cubicle in terminal 4 of Heathrow!!)

I am excited about the future, even though it is fuzzy/blank at the moment. But i am also really loving the Manchester posse right now (although i do always obviously), but after what seems like a bit of a 'mourning time' or something after the departure of many fine friends, the guys here are family to me now, and i am really loving it!

Other exciting news... the german market, and therefore bratwurst, gulhwein and mince pies, has landed in manchester... oh i love it!!! However i am resisting joining the shopping throng already; one, because i have no money, but two, because it seems silly to spend more than a month on it. That wont stop me from enjoying the odd bratworst though!!

I've just got back from fun and frolicks in Greece where a good frined got married in one of the worlds best spots, on the side of a volcano crater!! ( and all the geologists go oooooh!). It was really fun to get out of manchester, to chill out and do verylittle, but in a different place, with different people.
Especially loved laughing lots more, esp with HDC.... sore tummies and all!! Met lots of sweedish people who were v funny. Made me feel very english and realise that i do enjoy a good cup of tea with cake (who wouldn't???). They have this great saying in sweeden that if a drink is really amazing that it is like "angels pissing on your tongue"... nice!!
Anyway, crashing on..... very much enjoyed the advenutre of it all, the getting lost on the wrong side of the road, finding the nunnery and the french astro-physicist, all topped off by a beautiful sunset wedding with lots of new friends and good food. yum.

SO I am now back in manchester without a job, but definately knowing that i am not doing nothing. Friends have corrected my 'oh, im not doing anything' enough to make me realise that the life i am trying to eeck out here is in fact something. The next couple of months will hopefully be ones of travel through Britain, a pilgramage, some might say.... crazy prayer adventures me thinks!!
But having been surrounded by people who think the english/british are very funny and a little odd (although the exapmles they met were not typical me thinks), I would quite like to find out what makes the british who we are... other than Heinz tomato sauce, terry wogan and the bbc...

I am also quite giddy about discovering my girlie nature, which i am realising, thankfully, doesn't have to include either ribbons or small flwoer print dresses.... urgh! Even went so far as to do my nails yesterday... well as far as buffing anyway. quite enjoying their new look...... simple things!!

Enjoying Autunm colours in the trees/ parks/ pavement depending where the leaves are, oh and my mum's bonfire toffee
Not enjoying the Christmas adverts, its not even halfway through November!!! But somehow i still fancy a mince pie.... (sick and wrong this early on surely!)

Have finally had some web time and just done a grand tour of my friends blogspots...... I know some truely fab and exciting people!! Top marks goes to sprog blog - the cutest photies in the world!

hen nights and holidays....

started with one and got the other.....

Big up to clare for hosting a beautiful and relaxing weekend, congrats to resa... 12days to go!! Also big up to hatts who did a foot thing, and also gave me new socks... so my feet are in heaven!!

I love my girls, they pick me up and dust me off, and then tell me to go on holiday when I am at my most tired and stressed for ages!! So in a week I will be off on travels again, off to greece for the afore mentioned wedding, some sun, sea and adventure. Maybe even a bit of head space!! but lots of my favorite people will be there, and i won't be stressing about anything... whopee!!

But for the next week its sarnies and rain as usual..... oh hum.

Also, for the joy of any regular readers, I now have comments, big up to George for that one!! (resa ta for the pestering... )

Current Activities include

making sandwiches for business people in a posh part of town
reading many books at once
swishing through the leaves and getting very soggy feet.

A great quote i loved from a book i finished a week ago (first one in a while)

" We may be badly made, but we're not finished, and its the adventure of changing reality and changing ourselves that makes our blip in the history of the universe worthwhile, this fleeting warmth between two glaciers that is us." Eduardo Galeano, Upside Down.

Don't agree with the whole thing, but very much the idea behind it....

what do you do when you have a map, but the scale and street layout get changed without anyone asking you.....
I think that is how i feel at the moment. I am now walking blind with my old contexts being made redundant, while old ideas float about waiting to be pinned to something more concrete. But unexpected doors are opneing everywhere... so i guess i just need to put one foot infront of the other and look out for walls and the odd lamp-posts. Walking into them would hurt, and i would look a little silly....

Scary to think that 2004 is soon to be over.

why do so many of my blogs talk about just walking forward into life... i need to get a new train of thought or something.

Looking back

I think my last rant was me wanting to change pace and get into things, life, something more than was. And now I am very definately at that cross over, and looking back.

I am enjoying this new pace of life, but as i think over the last 6 months of .... well whatever it might be called, i realise how much has changed in me and how important it has been. I find myself with a new level of peace and assurance about me - and who i am. but also about just doing what i am meant to be doing, and not worrying about what i am not....
Some things don't even need to be 'done' but rather just happen. Even if that means i can't do them, or control them - and i like that. I find myself in a culture where people assume that for things to happen something needs to be done - when actaully it can be more simple than that, and more hidden than that.

So I am enjoying the hidden things of life, the tiny things that only I see with God. The times with friends that are not so impressive, but beautifully simple all the same, which make relationships what they are. But i am also realsing the power of that hidden-ness and anonimity, when your motive is nothing except to be before God in that place; rather than be before men.

One thing i love about this blog - i start with nothing really to say, but realising that i maybe i could put fingers to keys, and then it just rolls. it may not make sense to anyone - but as a place to process goes - it works for me!!!!

I can firmly say that, having been told to throw out ideas about what I think might be coming up next, i have a blank page before me. But i know that it is going to involve a change in pace, a change in scenery and level of relationship, with God and friends. But I am so grateful for this time, when so few people get the chance just to chill out and seek god for such a time, i recognise that although i don't know the full impact yet (if ever) that it has been important for this traveller. I hope to instill in my life a rhythm of rest, prayer etc - just like the monks i have thought so much about these last few months, in order that in the business of this life, that the source of it is not abandoned or neglected, and i end up weary and lost....

But in fact - i think it is more than that - its more than just coming to a well for a top up. But there is something new in my relationship with God that is, yes peaceful to a new level, but also so much more beautiful. I can't put my finger on it - but am really beginning to know something more of His beauty, which He is letting me find somewhere a little deeper than my gut. I am quite excited about that - it feels like i have been given permission to walk into a room he hasn't shown me before, one that you come into with a bit of awe and childish wonder.

But currently I am only at the door - so i'm off to find out what is behind it

rainy days

in september..... and so the students returned. Suddenly there are lots more people, and much more music and paper on the pavement. But it is part of the life of manchester, so let it roll!! Just lets make sure us oldies roll with it!!

Feel really pulled and streached in my thoughts at the mo, in tension between so many different poles. A tricky but fresh place to be, if not a little frustrating at times. Suddenly can't quite words to it, so will wait on that for a little while.

One question I have been wrestling with, is about being in the real world, not just a little bubble, but actually engaging with this city. But where and how. What is reality?? Do i go and work with the homeless, because that is a part of this place, or do i go and serve latte's to the coffee culture, another bubble in itself.

Perhaps the world is just full of bubbles??

But where am i am meant to be in this, what bubble should i be going to, learning from and hopefully impacting.
This little bubble, is comfy, but a tad too small. I have cramp. Life, me thinks, is also meant to be a tad fuller than what it is at the moment.

Why, so often, do I feel like i should be wearing tweed (its the season darling), and having my 35th birthday.
where has all the fun gone - and i'm only 21!!

Right, rant over - am off to find this thing called life, in its fullest!

busy busy

It appears that after 5 and a half months of not being busy that it may well continue. Not that I am going to be jobless, but rather the jobs are not going to be as i had hoped - keeping me busy!

They are instead going to be, well I am not quite sure, but what I have gleaned is that they are not going to keep me rushing about for 5 days a week. This is good, because it means i will continue to find out that my worth is not in the job or the paycheck. But it does come as a surprise, to someone who has found being still for this time so far, a bit of a struggle. But also, causes me to think a bit about the cost. Someone who i love once said that no-one starts something without first calculating the cost of the endevour. Its the same here - am i willing to be still, and let other people question it when it goes so strongly against our western busy busy mindset.....

Perhaps I should ask for an african holiday, as part of work experiance, in order to encourage me to not consider time, and work as what makes me a 'useful person'.

hello world

well... september is finally here!! I don't know a more eagerly anticiapted month in my whole life, new 'season', new times and hopefully a new direction on this path.

For the last few months I have been chilling and hanging out with the big man, while looking, in part, for a job. I said to a friend two weeks ago, that i felt i was just adrift and floating around. He replied, 'Anna, I think you are being moved with purpose and destiny into a new current of life..'!!!

And i think i may soon be reaching that point. horay!

The last few weeks have been a bit emotional, to say the least, but finished with a week camping with some of my favorite people in the world. Devon didn't know what hit it, quickly followed by a more gentle attack on the gower in Wales...
It was fun just to hang out with people, chat, catch up and make new friends. It was also good to be released just to be real with people when i was feeling pooey and in need of a good cry. Which, to be honest, has been quite a bit recently!

But now i am back, sleeping in a room which is bigger than me (short tents are not good), with two new house mates and a whole heap of hope for the future. I am not sure what it entails, and am beginning to think that any ideas i do have are so well of the mark that they are comical!

However, although by normal terms things seem a bit shot ( no job, little money, lots of debt, no career plan and a broken relationship)... I am feeling rather joyful and very hopeful. That, me thinks, is the paradox of faith.... (hoping in what we cannot see....)
but also the knowledge that the things of the world, in comparison to the things i treasure most (friends, love, intamacy and increasing depth with God) are really transitory. So I guess i am finding out how to be content in all (worldly) circumstances knowing that somethings can never be taken away!!!